This will help me

 For years this place has been a place for all my embarrassing thoughts lol
Primarily boy stuff hahah cuz that's like HS stuff and I'm almost 30 damn it!

Anyways, speaking of which.

Hopefully tonight I will finally make it out of the very toxic "relationship" that I have with Michael.

He has bothered my peace for too long.

He has used me for too long.

If tonight he acted as if everything is my fault again.

I need to remember how much I have done for him and more than anything HE owes me.

I don't owe him anything.

Best thing he can do to me is to let me leave.

I wanted to make things work.

Not because I like him, because I thought that eventually he would treat me right.

And once he does, I can forget that I was in an abusive & toxic relationship.

I don't want to live knowing that I have that story...

Especially that I thought that by now that I should know better.

I have been healed by God and lived with God.

Then I ended up here.

I wanted to change the narrative so bad.

I don't deserve this.

But today, I need to come into an agreement that it did happen.

The more that I stay, the more that it will get worse.

He never respected me and that will never change.

He will continue to use me.

He will continue to take advantage of me.

He will continue to put all the blame on me.

I was never a person of value to him.

And that is okay.

Not because I agree with him, but because my value does not depend on him.

He can see me as someone that is completely worthless and that's fine.

That means that I can just easily walk away and get rid of the weeds off my life.

Like him.

What has he done for me?

He said he tried.

Tried to meet the bare minimum, that's for sure.

He put up with me, he said.

But compared to all the things I have to put up with and have to SACRIFICE for him.

INCOMPARABLE.

I guess, I stayed thinking that maybe someday I will see that he will realize that.

He doesn't like that I am clumsy, unaware, don't listen, etc.

Those are my flaws, agreed. It doesn't mean that I like to stay that way, but it is part of who I am.

If I got rid of those or have them, it doesn't matter. 

Because every good part in me is worth it.

For him, I have put up with SO MUCH.

The verbal abuse.

The gaslighting.

HIS TEMPER.

HIS INCONSISTENCY.

HIS LYING.

HIS CHEATING.

THE SEXUAL ABUSE.

Yes, its not all in my head.

I think I know when I am getting taken advantaged of.

It doesn't matter if you apologized after.

What is done is done.

I stayed IN SPITE OF those things.

He bothered my peace so much.

I love my routine.

I love sleeping next to my dog.

I love doing my own thing.

I was very stable and happy.

---

You have taken SO MUCH from me.

So tonight, I need to remember this.

I have given enough.

You are not a loss.

You have lost so much.

I am confident that you will miss me, a lot.

You will miss me when you want home cooked food.

You will miss me when you are eating alone.

You will miss me when you are alone at home.

You will miss me when Joey needs baby sitting.

You will miss me when you need someone to scratch your back or tickle your toes.

You will miss me when you are watching anything Disney.

You will miss me when you need help to shave your head.

You will miss me when you can't sleep.

You will miss me when you need someone to hold you at night.

You will miss me when you wake up and I am not there.

You have taken enough.

I am not a doormat.

A freakin' God died for me and IS pursuing me and I am doing this.

I am allowing this to be done to myself. Someone that a God died for.

I lack nothing.

More than anything I lost so much by being with you.

I was living in ABUNDANCE.

Food, money, love, joy, peace.

I have it all.

But even if, I know that I still lack nothing.

I still have everything.

I just can't continue to be treated the way that you do.

You will probably never see my worth or see me as someone that is great and beautiful overall.

But I know that I am.

Thank GOD that my identity is deeply rooted in Christ.

That in spite of all of these mistakes that I have done, I can still manage to see good and strength in me.

I hope that you don't treat anymore girls like how you treated me.

Nobody deserves anything that I've been through with you.

You truly are the worst kind of guy at this moment and I am glad you are getting help.

I did my best, I gave it all.

You deserve to be happy and be at peace.

I hope you get all that in this lifetime.

I deserve way more and hopefully you let me go now.

If you do, I will say "thank you for letting me go"