Lord,
Looks like I have to face this sooner than I thought.
I mean I can postpone this coming week then deal with it the following week...
I need to figure out what do I want...
A clear direction for myself.
God I need you to speak CLEAR sa discussion natin ngayon.
& I will accept whatever you say... I mean You always do what You wanna do anyways & You know what's best. You know my desires and His also. You know what is best for us...
Ugh, I am going through so much right now and I am scared... to entertain this again.
Alam mo yun, yung kahit friends lang okay. Babalik nanaman ako sa overthinking, sa asa...
God, isang sakit nanaman...
Okay eto, figure out ang mga bagay bagay....
Also apply na siguro ang cope ahead skills.
What am I feeling right now towards this situation?
-I feel anxious
-I am scared to feel the same kind of hurt.
-I am scared to see him not care as much about me anymore or see that he doesn't want to work on us anymore. I am scared to see that he realized that this is not what he wants anymore and he will tell me that it's best for us to just remain friends.
-I don't want to feel okay and accept that maybe it is best that we can just stay friends.
What do I really want to happen? What are my honest wants for MYSELF?
-I just want to live in peace
-I want to move on
-I want to be in control of my life
-I want to feel valued
-I want to be loved selflessly
Do I want us to get back together?
-I honestly don't know anymore.
Do I still want to work in our relationship, ever?
-I also don't know anymore. I want to say yes but I am asking myself... if it's worth it. I am thinking that maybe not because I feel like he is forcing himself to want me... Also, I don't know if he will ever realize how severe he hurt me without thinking of himself... I don't think he loves me the same way I love him. Unconditional. Deep inside, I know I am still hoping that we can make it work... but also I am thinking that could be a little too neglectful of myself.... or not letting myself look at the terrible parts of the relationship.
Can the relationship still be worked on? Is it too much work?
-Ang tanong, worth ba ng work? If you would ask me few months ago, I would 100% say yes. But now... I realized some things and... I feel like surrender na lang... kasi grabehan na....... sumusobra na si Jayro ng nde niya namamalayan. Kasi wala siyang empathy. I didn't think that his lack of empathy would affect our relationship this much but its a huge part...
Let's say, in an ideal scenario he tries to win you back and say that he wants to start over, would you be happy to do that?
-I don't know anymore...
-I am thinking that I have been disappointed and hurt way too much to even have room to allow reconciliation. I have given everything to him. I poured all I got plus more. I don't even think he appreciates that or sees that.
Do I trust him?
-I don't know too...
-I don't feel safe around him anymore.
Siguro nga, friends na lang.
Am I open to be in a relationship with him again someday if given a chance?
-Feeling ko sa ngayon. Move on na ko. Nde ko na siya nakikita sa future ko. Yah, I don't see him in my future anymore... I kinda don't want him there anymore...
Can I honestly say that I still love him?
-wow... I guess I have been too exhausted by life rn that... I don't know... I want to say yes but if I would look deep inside... I would say... I think so.... actually yah, I would not say no. Maybe because I haven't seen him in a long time....
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Well there seems to have a lot of "I don't know's" in here and not so good looking stuff.
Maybe I did move on na...
& I let go na.
not 100% may natitira prin pero... almost mga 98%
Okay lets look, bakit nde buo na 100% what is the 2%.
The 2%
-hope that things might be different this time around
-it was really good before when we figured it out, I was hoping that we could do that again
Could we tho?! After all these? Could we?!
For me personally...
I think I have been hurt way too much with no empathy from him.
I have been so disappointed.
It would be hard for me to get there again.
I need to see Jayro work hard for me and see that he really wants me to soften my heart.
If he did show me na he really wants me and willing to work hard to get me again and keep me.
Tbh, it will soften my heart for sure and I will get the strength and will to go for it.
But I need something from him.
I need to see change and strong desire to have me.
I think that's my 2%.
Why do I even want this man?!?! THIS BAD.
Idk kasi TANGA.
Well here are my thoughts Lord.
Kaw naman ano masasabi mo po.
“Endure suffering along with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. And athletes cannot win the prize unless they follow the rules.
So I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen.
This is a trustworthy saying:
If we die with him, we will also live with him.
If we endure hardship, we will reign with him.
If we deny him, he will deny us.
If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is.”
2 Timothy 2:3-5, 10-13 NLT
God is in the middle of all you are going through and this is just something that you don't need to worry about right now. You can put this to the side and remember that God is with you.
Endure all of these for this is shape you as a better ambassador for Christ.
Endure to be a better vessel of His glory.
Endure so that people will see who God is & that He is real.
People will see that He really is the light of the world,
All the sufferings that is father filtered is always worth it in the end.
It's terrible in hindsight but it will all be great.
Don't let your heart be hardened.
Don't let your heart be bitter.
Continue to love and allow God to move.
Continue to live life surrendered.
As for this, the Lord will figure this out.
Rest in Him, He will take care of it.
Continue to fight the good fight of faith.
