I can totally feel that there is this huge possibility that our lives will never meet again...

If ever... it would never be the same...

I have to accept that the friendship that I've been praying for is been dead.... and can never ever be relieved....
Even that friendship that we had will never ever happen between us ever again........

It's ok :)

I have something wayy better :)
I have my YA :')

God gave them to me to show that there is something more out there that is more than that ONE friendship that I've been praying for...

It's just I really have to accept in my heart that...
Things are so different now and.... well haha Praise God that nothing will ever be the same

and it's just.... Daryl didn't made it to my future for a purpose....
and...... he's never coming back for a purpose.............

I need to stop this...

It's been exactly 7 months since everything..........
Pathetic how I count..............

I really don't want him back, I promise...

it's just I don't want to feel really replaced... especially when I never really had that closure.............

I want to be free first...............

I want to see him again first and talk to him again...... then I'll be ok..............
I want to see first.....

but I pray to God that it wouldn't be that painful awkward scene where I am going to meet him again while he is madly in love with this woman............

God please.......
You know how I don't want to go through all that again God................

That's feeling that I really am a little less better than someone.........
I know there will always be someone better than me.... it's just....

Through his eyes......

I know he is nothing special compared to what he have for me....

and I remember Marvin.... no..... Daryl's different.......

but they kinda do have things in common....

They're both jerks hahahaha
Marvin's just 10000x worse hhahahahaha



I don't know God........

it's like...........

is it just because I am not white....
is it just because I am not that smart enough or outgoing enough or productive and competitive enough....
is it just because I don't have that beautiful family and life....
is it just because I wasn't Christian when we met.....

I'm sorry God, but these things on my mind..........

Please take them away....... :(

CAVE OF SELF-PITY!!!!

:( .............

I just want to be free and have a peace of mind...........

It's bothering me God.....
STILL bothering me.... all the time..................................

I don't want to have that kind of feeling in my heart that I can't forgive someone or I need answers to pathetic questions that I just can't ignore...............................................

I am very very very happy with my life VERY!

It's just..... God.............

I want to have that closure....
If he is not it God......

Please let my heart have its peace....

God...... I don't like how I always unconsciously compare him to every single guy that comes in to my life...

I don't want him to be the base of it all........

God... this is why I don't want boys in my life for awhile.......

Look at me...... I fall for one then they break my face then I can't move on for years and it stops me from doing everything.........

You're the only one that I ever loved that never left and stopped me from being something better....

T____________T
Thank You hah........

You're the only man that I am not afraid to love with all my heart......

God next time hah............ ayaw ko na ng ganito..... kasi....... tignan mo naman ako...............

God, I know it's not Daryl anymore 'cuz whenever I think of him......
I cry.....
I feel that I am not worth it all....
I feel pathetic and unimportant..............

Omgosh.... I can't believe this.......
I'm still crying over it.......................................

I haven't seen him in the longest time but it still hurts..... a lot...............................................

I know when I see him again it will never be the same.... but God I am so stuck in the past.....

On that one stupid night......
On that one stupid fone call.....
That stupid goodbye!

Those memories............
Why can't I just forget them all like how I did with Marvin.........

I'm already 19 and I feel like a 15 year old girl crying over her first love...................
I know better than this....................................

God please don't let me stay like this forever........... again........

These feelings just keep on coming back.................

I want to have peace..........
I want us to have that closure already.........

I want us to talk......
I want him! to talk to me about it............
I want to be free...........................................

I am very happy and satisfied now :)

but the truth is, when I saw Bin at school...

I was thinking, when am I going to see Yell again lol

Am I going to see him now again anytime soon? lol

I was even like.... "FEW MORE PRAYERS THEN I WILL GET IT!!!!" lol!!! no. lol

I don't want him back at all, because I want God's best now and God's best will never leave me and will never be like him. I truly believe that I REALLY do deserve something WAYYY better than him now :)

I don't know, I still wonder how would it be like to have him as a friend again...

I don't have any bitterness in me anymore :)
Praise God.

I still do miss him but I kinda don't have that feeling that... I want him back wawhawhawhawah kinda thing.
I just really want to see how would it be like to have him back in my life again.

I never stopped praying.

I was just wondering how would our God talk would be right now. Now that I am different and... I don't know about him...

I still want to be his best friend again.

I want to invite them to our bible studies and fellowships and hang outs.

I know, I know he have beautiful friends and doesn't need us lol but... wala lang..............

I was just wondering.........

I still wonder what would it be like to be part of his life again.
How would it be like to have Yell in my life again, even if it's just as an apprentice.



I actually had a dream that I was with Alvin and we went to fellowship or something. Normal hang out day with friends, then I asked about what happened before...

I asked, why do they just have to drop me like that and do that to me...
He said that Yell and him planned it and he even told Yell that it's just so messed up to do that but Yell said...
It's the best thing he could do at that moment, the best thing for both of us.

I don't remember the other things he said but that's all I remembered then... in my dream I remembered Yell's text that I shouldn't think he never cared. When Yell said that to me, all I can think of was... "LIES!!!!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! GO AWAY!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Then after Alvin and I's conversation in my dream, I felt bad and eventually finally found my peace of mind...

It felt and looked so real, then I woke up -________________-"

PEACE OF MIND. GONE! HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!

Back to reality of trying to move and ignoring that stupid past that I just can't get rid of!!!!!

I moved on, it's just.... I don't know.... I'm still bothered by it lol -________________-"

Even if it's not going to change anything today... it's like.... I just really want to know the details..........

I wanna know WHAT IS! LOL!!! Popoy? Basha? HAHAHA

I know God knows what is in my heart and I know He totally hears all my prayers

I don't know...

Let God do what He wants to do to make things beautiful :)

I was just wondering.... :P

I am different now...

I like the new me actually.

But I still need to figure myself out...
I know I still need to fix a lot of things......... a lot.......

I don't want to rush anything anymore just to please others.
I'm just going to let God mold me...

His own time and process!

I'm getting there...
I'm a little bit closer to who I should be :)