I'll give him few more months.

If I'm still not back on track and if HE is not back on track by the first few months of this year,
then I have to end it.

And end 2013 without him and be reunited with God
and let God lead me to that man that loves HIM more than he loves me.

The man who would rather leave me crying and break me,
than risk our relationships with Christ.

I want a man that whenever I am around him I feel like I am with Him too,
not feeling all guilty and making me wanna choose between God or him.

I don't want a man that is working on his faith still, I want a man that is READY.

I want a man who is not going to call me a NUN or say that my life has no direction anymore because all I do is for the church. I don't want to balance my life and I want to give it ALL to Him and let HIM balance MY LIFE.

I don't want to be a man that makes me happy,
I want a man that just simply leads me towards my one true Love.

I'll give this man that I am with few more chances,
If there is still NO CHANGE by Winter Retreat, I'll start thinking on how to end it...
and pray REALLY HARD and never comeback and be with Jesus ALONE.

If he can't go then, it's a sign then... that there is no point.
If a man can't grow closer to Jesus with me, then we can never be together.

I miss You.

Hi God,

I think of where I am right now and I remember what You told me before it all happened.
I know... I should have trusted You, I should have OBEYED.

²⁰ For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder. ²¹ I am afraid that when I come again my God will humble me before you, and I will be grieved over many who have sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual sin and debauchery in which they have indulged 

- 2 Corinthians 12:20-21

Your exact words, and it all came true...

discord
jealousy
fits of rage
selfish ambition
slander
gossip
arrogance
disorder
impurity
sexual sin
debauchery

and yes, in all I have indulged and drowned myself in ALL of these, when I am supposed to be drowned in Your presence.

I can't find You where I want You to be and I'm pretty sure this is not how You planned me to be right now. Yes, I still know what to do, I hear a little bit of You still... but not as loud...

I totally broke ALL of my lovely promises for You.

Sacrifice thank offerings to God,    fulfill your vows to the Most High,¹⁵  and call on me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you, and you will honor me. 

-Psalm 50:14-15

"..and call on Me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you and you will honor Me."

These two verses are what kept on going over and over in my head in this season.

Psalm 50:15, gives me hope that I can still run to You and fulfill my promises to You and fulfill yours in my life. My life is full of road blocks now... which of course I built around me, 'cuz I thought my ways are kinda right and maybe God is saying something else than what He is clearly telling me...

I love You God and I REALLY miss You.

I'm so far from You, it's hurting me.

I'm ready to face the consequences, I know You will be there to hold me anyways. God please take over Yell and I's relationship. Break us up again if You think thats what is best for us. For ALL of us. You, me and him.

I don't want to live another year without You God. I hope all of these would end next year, nothing more, nothing less. That's all I want. I don't want anything else for 2013, I just want YOU to take over my life again. Please God, never let me go...