TODAY.

I was actually thinking of ways on how am I going to break up with him.
Not because I have to, because of God ish
It's just, I just feel like I don't love him anymore.
I feel like he's not the man I wanted anymore.
He's not the man that I need.
He's not the man I'm supposed to be with.
He's not the man who I am supposed to go through life with.

I was actually thinking of not fighting for this relationship, and just live life!
I wasn't hurt at all while thinking all of these stuff, I actually feel relieved whenever I think about it.

'cuz lately, he's not the man he used to be.
He was just like everybody else.
He seemed to be one of those guys who are just there and sees me worse than a piece of crap.
and one of those guys or people that sees me dumber than a starfish, weaker than a feather and cheaper than the ugliest prostitute that's in love with her drugs.

I'm seeing all the people that hurt me again, whenever I see him, whenever he does things to me that I don't like. So, because of that's I've been planning how to leave him to save myself from going into that pit again.

Also, I always told myself I never wanted anyone who would see life as black and white.
and it gets me mad whenever I see that he does see the good things good, and the bad things bad.
It's like, I want to ruin his life so he can understand.

But today, while having all these thoughts in my head.

He went to work early and got me food and hung out with me.
I got mad at him last night and changed my profile picture 'cuz I hate him there and changed his name on my phone from Labs to Mr. OA 'cuz I just hate him that much.

But after all that, I saw how he doesn't want to give up on me.
Whenever these things happen in my life
Whenever I feel this way
I know someone's giving up on me and I was preparing myself.

But this time, I felt that someone wants to fight for me.
Someone actually wants to keep me even if I act all tough.

Today, I thought I was convinced that I lost that spark for Yell. I thought I'll never have that back.
But you know, today, I realized how much he really do love me.

I'll do my best to be a better girl now.
& I'll do my best to put my walls down.

Brick by brick.

I miss my church family, A LOT.

When will Yell find God again?
He kept on saying he's good with God, but you know what, if anyone is legitimate with God, God will radiant in his face, his words, his actions, and his ways.

But I don't see God in Yell.
He is not all over him.

I'm tired of going to his church and just be a normal christian...
You know, go there, read the bible there, sing worship there, pray there, be convicted there, lalalalala
Same old cycle, like a little baby.
Such a beginner christian.

I don't feel like growing.

I'm tired of talking to Bin & Yell and feel like talking to beginner christians...

I want to grow.

And what I hate, I talk about God and stuff and they talk as if they've been there done that.

But you know what, why did you stop?!

I was in the best years of my life with God without Yell and when he came everything went downhill between me and God.

I always prayed for a man who is like God and will draw my heart way closer to God than whatever I have in mind.

I hate Yell telling me that this dude doesn't exist and I'll just be a nun.
I hate it when Yell keep saying, "I'm working on it"

I've been waiting 2 years already for HIM to get back at at.
2 years I've wasted, without Christ.

God, I don't want to seem like I'm asking for too much, Yell is perfect... worldly way...
But in the category that u made in my mind when I was with You, he doesn't fit there anymore...

I miss my ministries
I miss my church family
I miss You God

I miss being REAL.

I'm TOO empty with out You God.
I have few more drops left... but super close to being empty.

I don't know what to do God.
I know what to do, but I don't...

I know I gotta leave Him.
But I don't want to...

It will best for him
His life will strive

Whatever pain he would be going through I pray You would totally use it so He can be super close to You. But I'm scared to hurt him, but I've been hurting You for too long.... way too long God...


God please give me strength...

I wanna go back to serving
I want my fire back
I want my first Love back
I want US back...
You and I.
I miss my church family.
I miss my real family.
I miss them all...

I miss my life with You God...