I need to stop playing with fire.

Now I get what KP said na naglalaro lang ako. Which is true, I am.

Confirmed na, na nde na si Brian.

Well, I knew it wasn't him from the beginning. I wish it was tho at some point because he was amazing.

But Brian was right that its because I love the Lord and I saw Jesus in him, and same with him.

Without Jesus in our hearts I don't think we would ever be.

I like his attention.
I like how he makes me feel.

But this is all for destruction.
I need to stop.

Deep within honestly, I don't want to.

ITS BEEN 1 YEAR THAT MY HEART HAS BEEN LIKE THIS OMG.

& KP said that my love for Daryl before won't just disappear just like that. My love for Yell was too strong to just really move on that quick to Brian.

Brian filled that void... that Daryl left...

I hate it when KP says that I still love Daryl. Yes I moved on but the love is still there. I hate hearing it but its true...

And Brian helps me...
And that sucks for B.

In the wedding, Mama Claros kept telling me that B loves me and I don't know what to say when she asked me if I love Brian too...

Because I know for sure, I don't...
I like him a lot but love is a strong word.

And when Mama Claros kept introducing me as her daughter-in-law lol B kept saying that I deserve better and that he is not worthy to have me :'(

He kept telling me that he wants me so bad but he can't have me because I deserve so much better.

I always wanted to be wanted like that...
To be wanted even if I don't want him back as much as he wants me.

But we have different hearts towards ministry. He is super pastorial and I am super evangelical. I have the heart for missions and orphans and starting a new church and media and music and leading people to His presence and love.

And he said his heart for the kingdom is in a different direction compared to mine.

With B, its all shallow and immature.

I love his scent
I love his wisdom
I love his heart
I love his smile

But partnership in the kingdom is more than just admiration with each other. Although, that is part of it but that main purpose is to serve God better and love Him better as we both pursue the expansion of His kindom and love for everyone. Its more than just loving God more together but when we unite there will be such a strong force from heaven that will overflow.

I saw that in the beginning with Brian.
But the more we get closer, although we love God better with each others encouragements and prayers. I help him at SBS but I don't think SBS is my calling and flock and B needs a partner to expand the Spanish Ministry.

I want him too really bad, but I can't have him.

Goodnight Brian.n