CONCLUDED

I have concluded that I never ever wanna trust my heart to anyone, not unless its Jesus.

I am too scared for my life to be fooled again by something that would present itself as so "genuine"

Sorry Brian, 2017 I will have to say goodbye to you.
You don't deserve this.

Before this year ends, I am leaving you.

I am just finding the right time to say goodbye.

Please God, make it all work out that Brian and I can still be friends after I let him go.
Nde naman xa mahirap pakawalan eh.

I just don't want to lose him as my friend.

Nde naman kme maxado close.
Nde naman ako nag open up sa knea.

Wala.

So its not hard to say goodbye.

Bumubwelo na lang ako.

Grabe

Andami ko pinagdaanan para lang mabuksan ulit toh at ng magpatuloy ulit sa pagngawa.

Dear Lord,

Nalulungkot ako... nde naman sobra pero nalulungkot ako.

Minsan siguro, its okay to let your soul cry.

Help me forgive myself Lord.
Kinakain na ko ng unforgiveness ko ng buo.

Nde ko alam.

Hi Lord,

2 years na grabehan.

Sorry ha...

Pano ba to...
Pano ba magpatawad...

Grabe Lord....

No matter how much Brian loves me.... I just can't anymore...

Kung titignan how much I loved Yell, compared kai Brian.
Kung ano man meron ako para kai Brian wala pa sa kalingkingan ni Yell...

Nde naman ganun kaspecial si Daryl.
Super huge waste of time xa.

He is selfish.
He is self-centered.
He is super immature.
He is super egoistic.

Lord grabe....

Please take all the pain na...

Simutin na natin lahat please...

Sa ngayon okay naman na ako eh...

Ung mai mga bagay lang na nagpapaalala saken...

Tulad nung ngplay ung "When God Made You"

Naalala ko na nung gano kasaya...
Kung gaano lahat parang finally umaayos na...

Nahanap ko na matagal ko ng hinahanap...
Finally I can let my guard down, finally I can trust someone that will never leave me...
or ever tatratuhin mako parang basura...

Alam mo un, everytime someone shares na, wow they've been in this relationship for 3 years or even 5 years and how perfect it is and how everyone is sooooooooo kilig about it.

Ako naman si, you are so stupid. 5 years? 6 years? they will cheat on you soon.

Then they will explain how ideal their romance is....
and there's me going... oh yeah???

For me, mine was my best friend, then my boyfriend for almost 6 years.
Everything was so perfect.

Godly?

Yeah! We actually tried.
I bet you guys are "trying" to be godly too.

We even planned EVERYTHING together.

FOR SURE.
Yours will fail.

I find no good thing in your short lived happiness right now.

What happened??

He got selfish.
I tried to see if I can have something real.
Someone who would think that I worth everything.

Then BOOM
Everything that I thought was the complete truth, is an absurd lie.








God...
Please heal this area of my life...
I don't want it anymore...

Its not fair na si Daryl, pistang pista sa buhay habang araw araw nia qng inaapakan.

Tas ako lagi na lang nagpaparaya....







You know Lord, if si Brian nga talaga is the man you trust to handle my heart, Lord...
this is not fair for him....

Brian deserves so much better...




2 years na at mahigit na qng takot.

super duper patient ni Brian Lord...
please wag na nia waste time nia saken...
if nde naman pala ako for him...




I want to love him too if okay lang sayo Lord...
pero ubos na ko...
ubos na ubos na ko...



& I know Brian knows that...
& grabe he is still here.......


Still giving me the world....





Lord....
thank you for listening nga pala ha......


Alam ko din naman na pinili kita over Daryl kea ngyari un....
I am just asking for healing Lord....

Also para kai Brian...
kung nde naman xa, Lord please wag na nia aksayahin oras nia saken....


nde fair sa knea....




super grabe nia ko love na wala naman ako nabibigay...




Can I just love you forever Lord ng walang other boys na asungot lol....
buti ka pa Lord......

You're the only thing that's keeping me together Lord.
Salamat.

& sorry kasi lagi kitang sinasaktan...

Pero sana alam mo na mahal na mahal na mahal din kita Lord...
More than anyone.

Thank you kasi lagi kang nakikinig....

2 years.

Lord.
It's been 2 years.

Am I doing the right thing?
Am I choosing You by doing this?
Am I choosing Your way?

Lord.
Its been 2 years.

Sana magtuloy-tuloy na never ko na xa makikita.

As if he never existed.

I miss Tux beyond any comprehension.
I miss him and Diva so much.

I've been hurting Brian with my uncertainties.

I know Brian knows Lord.
I know he knows that there is still a part of me left with Yell...

Its not fair for him.

He's way too good for me.

No one ever ever given me the world and NEVER asked for anything in return and gets really mad if I recognize him or return the favor.

Aside from You of course haha

Brian's love for me is so so so grand.

Its just not fair that I am like this towards him...

I give him almost nothing...
Yet he still gives me everything he have...

If I say, I did choose to be with Brian for the rest of my life... would You be okay Lord? Would you be happy?

Do you trust him?

Actually in this case lol
Do you trust ME lol to handle such a heart like his...

I do love him now too Lord...
But not as much as anyone...

Just a tad bit.

And its not fair...

Lord, is he the man you trusted to handle my heart?

Because its been 2 years and ny heart is still deeply deeply deeply wounded...

And its affecting him...

I don't want to keep hurting Brian..

Wedding Planning

Its so weird to plan and prepare a wedding with you.

All my life, I was planning my wedding with Yell.

Now, sorry ah...
I am trying to envision everything with you.

Although it is one exciting and very challenging season. Thinking of marriage and all is too soon for me.

Although it would be a year or two from now.

Na uh

I wanna spend more time with Jesus.

I am just starting to love you.

All I asked KPizzles is the green to be in a relationship with you not marry you ASAP

Its like "Hello KP, we will be in a relationship."

"Cool, Spanish Service on 2016 then 2017 greenlight is yours and get married soon"

I am just like, that escalated quickly.

Zero to a hunnid foe realz

Like idk...

Honestly its been almost 2 years...
I moved on from being in a relationship, but the thought of marrying a different person is kinda... weird for me right now...

I am so used to see Yell there...

I don't want Yell to be there
Not anymore ever
I would rather die lol than marry Yell

But the thought of having someone else and not him... is weird for me....

I know you're saving up

But its too soon for me...

And I still have to go through a lot of healing...

Sorry this tainted everything and tons of things...

Everything scares the crap out of me.

The thought of planning my future with someone again. Building a life and everything with someone else scares me so much...

To put my security on someone else...

Again.

Terrifies me...

I am so not ready to get married.

I am just starting to love you.

I know everything is in snail time with me when it comes to you...

Please stay patient.
I am getting there...