Hi Yell,

It’s been a couple years now.

I think I can finally say that I completely moved on from you.

You’re just a bittersweet memory.

I used to always wonder why can’t I forget you.

I realized na we meant a lot to each other and thats never going to change.

I finally found someone again that I can love wholeheartedly.

He made me realize why it never worked out between us & why God said that we can’t be.

He is exactly what I need & dreamed of.

He is what the complete Maiqui needs.

I think I can say na I know who I am now and what I want and I have everything I need.

& he is everything that compliments who I truly am.

We helped each other in many ways too and its nice to experience everything with you but we were still so young and don’t know who we really were that we defined each other.

We were both in love of our idea of each other and both of our potentials and our possible future together.

I looked you up for the first time in the LONGEST TIME today and honestly at first I was scared lol cuz idk how I would react. What if I get hurt again idk.

But it gave me closure and seeing that you are doing well makes me happy for you. Its like checking in with an old friend.

I was cleaning today too and I saw some of the stuff you gave me. Like the big picture from my 21st birthday. I made myself hate you so much and all the things w used to do that I forgot how moved I was that you threw a big surprise party for me.

I didnt have a good 18th and you made sure I had a great 21st.

I saw the little post its we would write to each other.

The pendant from the necklace you gave me.

I thought that I burnd every memory & picture and letter. I guess that its cool that some is left.

Anywho, just having a heart check.

I am finally free from you.

& ready to give myself to someone again.

I forgive you.

I hope someday I can say that to you so we both can be at peace.

Or maybe you will come to this blog again and you will read this! Haha

I am happy you are doing well.

Took me forever to say all these with happy feelings lol & walang bahid ng hate towards you.

2021 is the year of “Finally!” For me lol

& being at peace with our memories is one of them.

So as forgiving you.

Thank you for all the amazing memories Yell.

God!

GOD!!!!!!

Ahead tayo sa schedule!

Ahhhhhh!!

I am SO IN LOVE GOD!

It’s like I have never been in love before haha God kinikilig ako parang first time ko ulit magkajowa lol

Nde ko alam gagawin ko hhahahahha

Pero ang SAYA SAYA KO GOD

God, I pray for your guidance at sana makita namin guidance mo at sundin namin each time.

Ugh, God. I want us to work SO BAD.

I pray that we will always put You first and will always be the center of our relationship.

God ang saya saya ko, thank yu for this blessing!

HAPPY

 Hi God!

It's been a long time since I felt this happy.

I truly feel na I am moving in the right direction sa buhay and I am in the center of Your will.

Na ngllive talaga ako ng life na gusto mo para saken.

Ang saya saya ko ulit yey.

Nasa in-between man ako ngayon, pero dahil alam ko kung saan ako pupunta ang saya saya ko.

Sa trabaho, sa buhay, sayo at SA PAGIBIG AHHAHAHHAHAH

Nde na ako sawi LOL

Psalm 27:14

When I wait, You strengthen my heart.

Aaaaaaawwwww GOD!

Okay, will be patient in everything and trust Your perfect timing.

I love You!

Hello God!

I don't want to wait anymore.

Do I need to wait?

LOL

You pretty much told me that he is coooool LOL

Ugh Lord!

I'll tell everything to him in person.

I don't want to hold back anymore lol

Feels

I am just going to have feelings throw up rn cuz there is so much I am going to explode LOL

GOD.

I am so happy.

Not just love life wise lol but also in EVERYTHING.

Life is going so well.

I am so happy God.

This is the love story that I’ve been praying for. Na akala ko suntok sa bwan at pangarap lang.

Ang saya saya Lord.

Yung feeling ko sasabog ako tas ung naooverwhelm ka sa mga bagay na para kang naiiyak LOL kasi ang saya saya.

I don’t think its too soon to say na I love him lol

I always have, kahit as a brother pa and I know it will just get deeper from here.

He is more than a guy nai I think is attractive and someone I admire.

He is also someone i trust & I feel safe around.

He’s been one of my favorite friends and I love learning from him.

I havent felt all of these strong feelings in a long time and it feels so nice to know that I can feel all of these intense, fearless feelings again after everything lol & I dont want to lose it.

Akala ko tapos na, akala ko wala na.

Thank you for making me feel like I can love this much again and be willing to risk it all again for someone.

I really thought that all of those feelings died in me and that I loved too much before and thats it I am done.

ang saya ko Jay.

someday I can say all of these to you without holding back and I am excited to do life with you.

its been a long time since I get to say this with this much weight and truth.

I love you Jayro :)

Happy

Hello God :)

I am very happy!! :)

Finally, wala na si Michael.

Nageexercise na ako ulit.

Nasa dream career na ako.

May friends na ulit ako na masaya!! At mahal ako at tanggap ako at lahat. :’)

At si Jayro Lord :’)

God ang saya saya ko parang ang tagal ko na nde ako ganito kasaya at SECURE :’)

God.

Omg.

God.

Thanks for reminding me of what tou told me 2 years ago when I told you abut Jayro.

”If you want it, you have to let it die.”

Omg, GOD..

Tas ngayon SEASON OF REBIRTH.

OH MY GOODNESS 

GOD.

Before we do some Jayro kilig feelings of mine kinda talk.

CAN I PRAY ABOUT THIS RN.

I just want to hear what you have to say cuz I feel really STRONG feelings for him and all.

So yah lol.

What u have to say my favorite Love of all lol my Lord ♥️

”Psalm 56”

“But in the day that I’m afraid, I lay all my fears before you and trust in you with all my heart. What harm could a man bring to me? With God on my side I will not be afraid of what comes. The roaring praises of God fill my heart, and I will always triumph as I trust his promises.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56:3-4‬ ‭TPT‬‬

“The very moment I call to you for a father’s help the tide of battle turns and my enemies flee. This one thing I know: God is on my side! I trust in the Lord. And I praise him! I trust in the Word of God. And I praise him! What harm could man do to me? With God on my side I will not be afraid of what comes. My heart overflows with praise to God and for his promises. I will always trust in him. So I’m thanking you with all my heart, with gratitude for all you’ve done. I will do everything I’ve promised you, Lord. For you have saved my soul from death and my feet from stumbling so that I can walk before the Lord bathed in his life-giving light.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56:9-13‬ ‭TPT‬‬

“In God, whose word I praise— in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56:4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“I am under vows to you, my God; I will present my thank offerings to you. For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.” ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56:12-13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Ahh, I am afraid of something?? lol

I am still scared???

lol I guesss hahaha



in my defense, I need healing from Mike and I wanna do things right with Jay AND most importantly, I want to enjoy myself first. I want to rediscover what I like, I want to enjoy being alone.

I want to be whole, love myself again.
Since all the self love, self respect and self worth are all destroyed when I was with Mike. lol

and God I want to do this with you and not with him.



Hmmm, “I am under vows to you” My vow to search every best things in me and give it all to You and let You do whatever You want to do with my best offerings.



God, funny that this time this hits me differently. lol #kilig hahahahahhah



Usually when u say this to me, I can strongly feel you telling me to let go.

but this one is different.

I am excited to see all the things you are about to do.

Thank you God for making me courageous to move forward and be receptive of all the great things You are ALREADY DOING and will do in my life.

God, I am so happy.



You got me a man that makes me feel Your love for me not just because He leads me to You but also with the way He loves me so well, because of all the things You taught Him and of all the love He has for You.

God I feel Your love through the way He loves me.

The way he sees me
The way he meets me where I am at, ALL THE TIME
The way he waits for me
The way he lets me be me
The way he magnifies all the great things about me and loves me, with all the flaws
The way he makes me love and accept my flaws


Reminds me all of You God.

You did told me that You will give me someone who will love me like You do.

We are not even official yet LOL and I can feel how much he loves me.



God, I am going to marry this man.

This will help me

 For years this place has been a place for all my embarrassing thoughts lol
Primarily boy stuff hahah cuz that's like HS stuff and I'm almost 30 damn it!

Anyways, speaking of which.

Hopefully tonight I will finally make it out of the very toxic "relationship" that I have with Michael.

He has bothered my peace for too long.

He has used me for too long.

If tonight he acted as if everything is my fault again.

I need to remember how much I have done for him and more than anything HE owes me.

I don't owe him anything.

Best thing he can do to me is to let me leave.

I wanted to make things work.

Not because I like him, because I thought that eventually he would treat me right.

And once he does, I can forget that I was in an abusive & toxic relationship.

I don't want to live knowing that I have that story...

Especially that I thought that by now that I should know better.

I have been healed by God and lived with God.

Then I ended up here.

I wanted to change the narrative so bad.

I don't deserve this.

But today, I need to come into an agreement that it did happen.

The more that I stay, the more that it will get worse.

He never respected me and that will never change.

He will continue to use me.

He will continue to take advantage of me.

He will continue to put all the blame on me.

I was never a person of value to him.

And that is okay.

Not because I agree with him, but because my value does not depend on him.

He can see me as someone that is completely worthless and that's fine.

That means that I can just easily walk away and get rid of the weeds off my life.

Like him.

What has he done for me?

He said he tried.

Tried to meet the bare minimum, that's for sure.

He put up with me, he said.

But compared to all the things I have to put up with and have to SACRIFICE for him.

INCOMPARABLE.

I guess, I stayed thinking that maybe someday I will see that he will realize that.

He doesn't like that I am clumsy, unaware, don't listen, etc.

Those are my flaws, agreed. It doesn't mean that I like to stay that way, but it is part of who I am.

If I got rid of those or have them, it doesn't matter. 

Because every good part in me is worth it.

For him, I have put up with SO MUCH.

The verbal abuse.

The gaslighting.

HIS TEMPER.

HIS INCONSISTENCY.

HIS LYING.

HIS CHEATING.

THE SEXUAL ABUSE.

Yes, its not all in my head.

I think I know when I am getting taken advantaged of.

It doesn't matter if you apologized after.

What is done is done.

I stayed IN SPITE OF those things.

He bothered my peace so much.

I love my routine.

I love sleeping next to my dog.

I love doing my own thing.

I was very stable and happy.

---

You have taken SO MUCH from me.

So tonight, I need to remember this.

I have given enough.

You are not a loss.

You have lost so much.

I am confident that you will miss me, a lot.

You will miss me when you want home cooked food.

You will miss me when you are eating alone.

You will miss me when you are alone at home.

You will miss me when Joey needs baby sitting.

You will miss me when you need someone to scratch your back or tickle your toes.

You will miss me when you are watching anything Disney.

You will miss me when you need help to shave your head.

You will miss me when you can't sleep.

You will miss me when you need someone to hold you at night.

You will miss me when you wake up and I am not there.

You have taken enough.

I am not a doormat.

A freakin' God died for me and IS pursuing me and I am doing this.

I am allowing this to be done to myself. Someone that a God died for.

I lack nothing.

More than anything I lost so much by being with you.

I was living in ABUNDANCE.

Food, money, love, joy, peace.

I have it all.

But even if, I know that I still lack nothing.

I still have everything.

I just can't continue to be treated the way that you do.

You will probably never see my worth or see me as someone that is great and beautiful overall.

But I know that I am.

Thank GOD that my identity is deeply rooted in Christ.

That in spite of all of these mistakes that I have done, I can still manage to see good and strength in me.

I hope that you don't treat anymore girls like how you treated me.

Nobody deserves anything that I've been through with you.

You truly are the worst kind of guy at this moment and I am glad you are getting help.

I did my best, I gave it all.

You deserve to be happy and be at peace.

I hope you get all that in this lifetime.

I deserve way more and hopefully you let me go now.

If you do, I will say "thank you for letting me go"

Hi God lol

Here we are again lol

WELP

I got myself a cheater again but this one is the worst of them all. Yay.

And ano pa mas nakakaloka.

Nde ako aalis.

Ang prinsesa mo ay nagpapakatanga nanaman.

Lord :(

I am conflicted.

I shouldn’t be.

I don’t deserve this.

No one deserves this.

Kailangan ko ng umalis.

Nde fair na yung babae na isa ung pinili niya kahit hindi siya yung pinili.

Tapos ako ano ipagpipilitan yung sarili ko sa taong katulad niya??

Clear as day out of his league nia ako.

Pero bakit ganun nahihirapan ako umalis at sa totoo lang Lord.

Umaasa ako na kahit hindi kami para sa isat isa.

Mamahalin din niya ako.

Mukhang tanga lang. 😑.