God I am in a place that I am most terrified to be in…

God tama lahat…

Tama lahat ng hinala ko.

Tama lahat ng naiisip ko.

God andito ako ung pinagkakatakutan ko.

Yung makahanap ng magmamahal sayo tapos grabe ang saya saya to the point of marriage tapos bigla bigla ka iiwan kasi nalaman nila kung gano kadami mo pinagdaanan.

Eto nanaman ako sa akala.

Humawak nanaman ako sa mga pangako.

I knew that we would get to this point and I was just hoping na ipaglalaban din niya kmi…

Sabi niya…

Ugh….

Okay this is what you said and I am holding on to that.

You said:

Psalm 56:3-4 & 9-13

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise— in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56:3-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“I am under vows to you, my God; I will present my thank offerings to you. For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56:12-13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

You reminded me of the last part last night…

“Make vows to the Lord your God and fulfill them; let all the neighboring lands bring gifts to the One to be feared. He breaks the spirit of rulers; he is feared by the kings of the earth.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭76:11-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

My vow to him:

I will find everything I have in me. Good or bad & give it to him. Every single day. The worst and the best. Until all I am is His.

We we’re missing the fear of the Lord in our relationship. We we’re building without giving everything to Him.

As for me, I need to focus on myself to help build our foundation.

God never failed.

God keeps his word.

Let go of everything and He will make things work all for His glory.

God, I am randomly feeling terrified of everything…

I am so scared of everything.

I want to run away.

God I don’t know if I can do this forever thing with Anjero when I feel like I am just going to be this huge burden to him.

He doesn’t even care or respect the things that I care about the most and thinks its stupid.

He says he accepts me for who I am but real talk I think he is annoyed of me and thinks that I am a childish menace.

He is one of those people who thinks they know me and live to correct me "for my own good"

God am I making a mistake again…

I don’t know, am I even safe to feel these things?

I feel like I shouldn’t.

When I have episodes like this its like a huge burden to him.

Maybe he needs someone who wont be a burden. Someone who won’t ask or need anything from him and just give him whatever he wants and needs.

I feel like I will always be "too much" for his wonderful life he just wont admit it.

Can I even say these?

These will be too much for him because he said he is going through a lot so must not be bothered.

God I don’t feel safe all of a sudden.

God I am so scared.

God I am terrified that it cripples me.

So much…

I know he will help me carry things but I know he will complain about it.

For now he is okay, I guess.

When this happens forever he will be tired.

Then I will be blamed.

He is cool now but he doesn’t know yet.

God I am scared that one day he will realize that this is too much. I mean I already am.

And I am not even in my full form of crazy to him yet.

I don’t feel so safe all of a sudden.

Its not like I like feeling that way.

I just do & I am not going to apologize for that.

Let him continue live his normal life that makes sense. He needs to find another one that have a life that makes sense.

I don’t know God I don’t think I can do this.

This whole silent treatment too.

If this will happen each time, its not working.

I try to say "oh he really is just processing everything is gunna be fine"

I find more things that I have issues with then I wanna leave and get so mad and I feel paralyzed.

Literally I can’t function.

This is so stupid.