5 years

 We've been at this for 5 years.

Buti na lang I have this blog so I can see how things were before.

Nothing changed...

He really didn't change...

The only difference from before was he decided to finally choose me...

But the way he handles stress...

Makes me feel abandoned... neglected... a burden...

Ganun parin.

Maybe they're all right...

He will never change...

It's not in him to adjust for me & accept me...

He just decided to choose me because he is of that age now... not because he actually really wants me.

If its more than one person, more than one group of friends telling me this...

I need to start believing them...

I did my best to not believe or entertain these thoughts but if everyone can see it...

Maybe I am just pretending to be blind and be naive...

My insecurities are actually justified...

He is so not self-aware that he will just continue to keep hurting me in the future.

It will be an endless cycle...

Maybe they are right...

Mababaliw lang ako...

Good thing I write everything in here....

Ganun parin pala kahit nung 2018 pa...

Lagi na lang ako umaasa na SANA kaya din niya ko paglaban.

Lagi na lang ako.... ako na lang lumalaban.... ako na lang lagi umiintindi...

Maybe this time, nde ko na hahayaan si Lord to move... ako na.

Ako na tatapos...

I have given him 5 years of my life now...

I hoped, I prayed & I fought for him REALLY HARD.

I really gave him everything I have.

I gave him too much and nde man lang niya napapansin yun.

Masasayang nga lang siguro ako if I keep fighting for us...

It's always been so difficult for him to choose me...

I deserve better than that...

Samantalang ako, for 5 years na... paulit-ulit ko siya pinipili ng walang pagaalinlangan...

I just really need to accept that he just can't love me as much as I love him.

& na... our friends are right.

I deserve better.

Okay, given.

Sure.

He did loved me too but it's conditional...

I gave him too much already...

I am walking away now.

Today, I am making a decision of letting it be a daily goal for myself...

Starting today...

To stop hoping & let him go...

To stop trying to figure it out...

------

Jayro...

I hate to do this...

I wish I will never have to....

I need to choose myself now.........

I need to allow myself to be okay that you are going to lose me.....

& that I am losing you too.........

In every way.

Not just as the love of my life lol.

But... also as the friend that I really loved for MANY years.

Someone I loved and depended on in every season.

Someone I laughed with and was so comfortable to do ANYTHING with....

I have to accept that, that's all just one sided.

You did say that you never really saw me as one of your close friends...

See even with that...

I considered you as one of my closest & dearest friends.

Kuya pa nga tawag ko sayo... 

I used to feel so safe and better whenever you are around...

I need to accept na.... Wala na yun.

We can't go back to that anymore...

I need to allow myself to mourn not just losing you as the one I want to build my whole life with...

but also... losing you as my friend...

I need to stop thinking na when I see you again, you will want to fight for us...

That you will also do whatever it takes to make us work....

Kasi ako, gagawin ko yun.

Handa ako na ibigay sayo lahat lahat.

Tanggapin lahat & I know it's going to be really hard but I am willing to go through all of the hard with you... I am so willing to do everything with you...

Pero parang ako lang gusto ng gnun.... nde fair for me....

It's going to be tiring to just be the only na willing....

Kaya ko gawin yun para sayo kasi lagi ko iniisip na worth it ka...

Ikaw hirap na hirap ka na piliin ako, paglaban ako or even just LIKE me.

I feel like a huge burden for you and a nuisance.

I deserve to be with someone who will make me feel liked at least.

I feel like I am just your last resort & you TRIED HARD to make it work for a year with me and got EXTREMELY disappointed that I'm not that domesticated Filipina housewife that will not ask too much from you. I am not someone who can just read your mind and know EXACTLY what you want ALL THE TIME.

At this point, I NEED to walk away now.

I deserve so much better.

I need to stop this cycle...

I really need to let you go now.

Completely...

I have given you way too much...

I don't think you would ever know how much I gave you and would be willing to give...

I need to choose myself now.

I deserve so much better.

I can't keep waiting for you to come around.

I can't keep waiting for you to realize my worth...

I should let myself be "the one that got away" for you now.

Someday, siguro you will realize na sana you fought for us...

Pero it will be too late na....

I am walking away now.

Thank you for everything Jay.

I love you so much... way too much.

I hope you find whatever what you need.

I hope you heal from the things that hurt you.

I hope you find peace in everything you do...

I love you Jayro.

I love you very very much....

bye.

Lost Cause

Lord,

Looks like I have to face this sooner than I thought.

I mean I can postpone this coming week then deal with it the following week...
I need to figure out what do I want...
A clear direction for myself.
God I need you to speak CLEAR sa discussion natin ngayon.
& I will accept whatever you say... I mean You always do what You wanna do anyways & You know what's best. You know my desires and His also. You know what is best for us...

Ugh, I am going through so much right now and I am scared... to entertain this again.
Alam mo yun, yung kahit friends lang okay. Babalik nanaman ako sa overthinking, sa asa...
God, isang sakit nanaman...

Okay eto, figure out ang mga bagay bagay....
Also apply na siguro ang cope ahead skills.

What am I feeling right now towards this situation?

-I feel anxious
-I am scared to feel the same kind of hurt.
-I am scared to see him not care as much about me anymore or see that he doesn't want to work on us anymore. I am scared to see that he realized that this is not what he wants anymore and he will tell me that it's best for us to just remain friends.
-I don't want to feel okay and accept that maybe it is best that we can just stay friends.

What do I really want to happen? What are my honest wants for MYSELF?

-I just want to live in peace
-I want to move on
-I want to be in control of my life
-I want to feel valued
-I want to be loved selflessly

Do I want us to get back together?

-I honestly don't know anymore.

Do I still want to work in our relationship, ever?

-I also don't know anymore. I want to say yes but I am asking myself... if it's worth it. I am thinking that maybe not because I feel like he is forcing himself to want me... Also, I don't know if he will ever realize how severe he hurt me without thinking of himself... I don't think he loves me the same way I love him. Unconditional. Deep inside, I know I am still hoping that we can make it work... but also I am thinking that could be a little too neglectful of myself.... or not letting myself look at the terrible parts of the relationship.

Can the relationship still be worked on? Is it too much work?

-Ang tanong, worth ba ng work? If you would ask me few months ago, I would 100% say yes. But now... I realized some things and... I feel like surrender na lang... kasi grabehan na....... sumusobra na si Jayro ng nde niya namamalayan. Kasi wala siyang empathy. I didn't think that his lack of empathy would affect our relationship this much but its a huge part...

Let's say, in an ideal scenario he tries to win you back and say that he wants to start over, would you be happy to do that?

-I don't know anymore...
-I am thinking that I have been disappointed and hurt way too much to even have room to allow reconciliation. I have given everything to him. I poured all I got plus more. I don't even think he appreciates that or sees that.

Do I trust him?

-I don't know too...
-I don't feel safe around him anymore.


Siguro nga, friends na lang.


Am I open to be in a relationship with him again someday if given a chance?

-Feeling ko sa ngayon. Move on na ko. Nde ko na siya nakikita sa future ko. Yah, I don't see him in my future anymore... I kinda don't want him there anymore...

Can I honestly say that I still love him?

-wow... I guess I have been too exhausted by life rn that... I don't know... I want to say yes but if I would look deep inside... I would say... I think so.... actually yah, I would not say no. Maybe because I haven't seen him in a long time....

------

Well there seems to have a lot of "I don't know's" in here and not so good looking stuff.
Maybe I did move on na...

& I let go na.

not 100% may natitira prin pero... almost mga 98%

Okay lets look, bakit nde buo na 100% what is the 2%.

The 2%

-hope that things might be different this time around
-it was really good before when we figured it out, I was hoping that we could do that again

Could we tho?! After all these? Could we?!

For me personally...


I think I have been hurt way too much with no empathy from him.
I have been so disappointed.

It would be hard for me to get there again.
I need to see Jayro work hard for me and see that he really wants me to soften my heart.

If he did show me na he really wants me and willing to work hard to get me again and keep me.
Tbh, it will soften my heart for sure and I will get the strength and will to go for it.

But I need something from him.
I need to see change and strong desire to have me.

I think that's my 2%.

Why do I even want this man?!?! THIS BAD.
Idk kasi TANGA.

Well here are my thoughts Lord.
Kaw naman ano masasabi mo po.

“Endure suffering along with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. And athletes cannot win the prize unless they follow the rules.

So I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen.

This is a trustworthy saying:

If we die with him, we will also live with him.
If we endure hardship, we will reign with him.
If we deny him, he will deny us.
If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭2‬:‭3‬-‭5‬, ‭10‬-‭13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

God is in the middle of all you are going through and this is just something that you don't need to worry about right now. You can put this to the side and remember that God is with you.

Endure all of these for this is shape you as a better ambassador for Christ.
Endure to be a better vessel of His glory.
Endure so that people will see who God is & that He is real.
    People will see that He really is the light of the world,

All the sufferings that is father filtered is always worth it in the end.
It's terrible in hindsight but it will all be great.

Don't let your heart be hardened.
Don't let your heart be bitter.
Continue to love and allow God to move.
Continue to live life surrendered.

As for this, the Lord will figure this out.
Rest in Him, He will take care of it.

Continue to fight the good fight of faith.

Lord, what do you say about now.

 I know I kept asking, sorry.

Lui and Gail have a point.

They are our friends that loves us A LOT and knows both of us REALLY WELL.

So I know you are def using them to help us.
They are our true friends.

God hopeless case nga ba talaga kami.
I mean Gail and Lui said na nde naman pero it's going to be REALLY hard to rebuild our relationship.

Should I just give up Lord?

You know my wants God and you also know na I listen to you kahit pilit.
Always Lord, I want you to be in every move I make in life.

Are we wasting our time and energy with each other? :(
It's sad... but you know...

“See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭15‬-‭22‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭23‬-‭24‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Okay, I am hearing you say that I just focus on my own growth right now. Basicuuuuulllih

But Lord, ang tanong. Do I move on from this man and are we really a hopeless case. Like I don't want to figure it out anymore or think about it at all.

oh okay, thats basically what you are saying too... like not figure it out anymore nor think about it... cuz I need to just focus on my own growth. And the words you said to me about us I must test them all. GOD, I thought I did. MANY TIMES.

Okay ganito na lang.

I trust you obvi.

Ikaw na lang bahala Lord.

Do whatever you want with that relationship.

God, ano lang... if you will rip him away from me because its not good for us to be together... God... basta walang cheating or anything like that... I had enough of those in my life... please. Make a way God where nde na nga pwede kami magkasama pa if that door is meant to close forever. But no cheating please.

Like can you just do it... idk Lord kasi umaasa parin ako and am I being a fool?

Maybe.

Am I trying to just ignore everything kasi sobra na ko inlove sa kanya.

If magkakatuluyan kami Lord. We want each other to be happy.
Can you help us make things easier God for our relationship to work if this is a union you will allow to happen. God... :(

I'm tired.

 Actually that word is not even close to describe how tired I feel.

I mean, I am not giving up. I am just tired.

I kept trying. hard.

I go to therapy, I do DBT, I pray, I do some soul searching A LOT, I give to people... too much.
I stay positive, I continue to move forward.
I am tired.

I just want to be okay.

I just want to skip to the part where everything is okay and figured out.

I am happy?



Everyone says that I carry everything well.
I guess I am just an amazing pretender.

Sometimes God,
I wish someone will be there to see past all this "strong" girl image I portray and help me carry it all.
I really thought that was Jay.
I was so convinced it was him.
He made me believe that he will help me carry the burdens of life no matter how heavy.
That's what made me fall in love with him hard.
He made me feel that he was the one you def sent to do like with.
Well Lord, idk.
Maybe I heard wrong.
It felt and sounded so clear.

Sorry Lord, I am doubting what I heard from You again.
Possible na I lack comprehension.

3 different kinds of confirmations.

Whatever.

I mean I get it.
My life is a lot.
I am a lot.

He tried & obviously got tired.

God, sometimes I wish I am not this "a lot" kinda gal.

"A lot" of personality
"A lot" of fire
"A lot" going on
"A lot" of life

I am just this big explosive thing that is way too much for anyone.
Only a God like you can handle.
Well my bestfriend, Lui, Gail & people at work & many of my friends.

Okay, I guess I am not that much.

I need to stay away from fire extinguishers.



I guess I need to accept that Jayro just can't handle my fire.
He doesn't know what to do with it.

Since he kept on insisting on getting something easy.

I shouldn't minimize myself for someone who is not a man enough to handle me.

I guess I expected too much from him that he is strong & capable enough.
He needs someone easy and I should not feel bad that I can't fit the small box that he only is willing to carry. I am just too big for his capabilities. I should be okay walking away from someone who can't handle me. I deserve better.

Especially rn that I am going through a lot with my dad and I can't have a man like him at the back of my mind. I can't depend on someone who is so fragile. This is too much for him.

I don't know God. Sorry I am crapping on your creations.
Him and ME.

Okay Lord, how do you see us.

And why did you let our paths cross.

A bulldozer like me and a fragile flower like him.

Like why.
Thats def sounds like a GREAT idea.

Maybe I should just let it die and move on forever.
Maybe I should just find someone else and give up on our relationship.
Maybe I should just delete him from my life forever.
Maybe I should stop hoping that we will still make it work at some point, that we can still fight for us.

I want us to work... but idk if its right.
I want him to be happy and I don't want to burn him or ruin him just because I am ME.

Some people can make that work, I am willing to make it work.

Just like how a cactus can love a balloon.
(idk I saw a story like that somewhere lol)

Okay better analogy, the sun and the moon.
How the moon dies everyday to let the sun breathe.

tbh Lord, its sad to know really...
that I am willing to do all of these and I am not sure if Jayro is.

I still miss him.
Today, I still love him.