Lord, what do you say about now.

 I know I kept asking, sorry.

Lui and Gail have a point.

They are our friends that loves us A LOT and knows both of us REALLY WELL.

So I know you are def using them to help us.
They are our true friends.

God hopeless case nga ba talaga kami.
I mean Gail and Lui said na nde naman pero it's going to be REALLY hard to rebuild our relationship.

Should I just give up Lord?

You know my wants God and you also know na I listen to you kahit pilit.
Always Lord, I want you to be in every move I make in life.

Are we wasting our time and energy with each other? :(
It's sad... but you know...

“See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭15‬-‭22‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭23‬-‭24‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Okay, I am hearing you say that I just focus on my own growth right now. Basicuuuuulllih

But Lord, ang tanong. Do I move on from this man and are we really a hopeless case. Like I don't want to figure it out anymore or think about it at all.

oh okay, thats basically what you are saying too... like not figure it out anymore nor think about it... cuz I need to just focus on my own growth. And the words you said to me about us I must test them all. GOD, I thought I did. MANY TIMES.

Okay ganito na lang.

I trust you obvi.

Ikaw na lang bahala Lord.

Do whatever you want with that relationship.

God, ano lang... if you will rip him away from me because its not good for us to be together... God... basta walang cheating or anything like that... I had enough of those in my life... please. Make a way God where nde na nga pwede kami magkasama pa if that door is meant to close forever. But no cheating please.

Like can you just do it... idk Lord kasi umaasa parin ako and am I being a fool?

Maybe.

Am I trying to just ignore everything kasi sobra na ko inlove sa kanya.

If magkakatuluyan kami Lord. We want each other to be happy.
Can you help us make things easier God for our relationship to work if this is a union you will allow to happen. God... :(

I'm tired.

 Actually that word is not even close to describe how tired I feel.

I mean, I am not giving up. I am just tired.

I kept trying. hard.

I go to therapy, I do DBT, I pray, I do some soul searching A LOT, I give to people... too much.
I stay positive, I continue to move forward.
I am tired.

I just want to be okay.

I just want to skip to the part where everything is okay and figured out.

I am happy?



Everyone says that I carry everything well.
I guess I am just an amazing pretender.

Sometimes God,
I wish someone will be there to see past all this "strong" girl image I portray and help me carry it all.
I really thought that was Jay.
I was so convinced it was him.
He made me believe that he will help me carry the burdens of life no matter how heavy.
That's what made me fall in love with him hard.
He made me feel that he was the one you def sent to do like with.
Well Lord, idk.
Maybe I heard wrong.
It felt and sounded so clear.

Sorry Lord, I am doubting what I heard from You again.
Possible na I lack comprehension.

3 different kinds of confirmations.

Whatever.

I mean I get it.
My life is a lot.
I am a lot.

He tried & obviously got tired.

God, sometimes I wish I am not this "a lot" kinda gal.

"A lot" of personality
"A lot" of fire
"A lot" going on
"A lot" of life

I am just this big explosive thing that is way too much for anyone.
Only a God like you can handle.
Well my bestfriend, Lui, Gail & people at work & many of my friends.

Okay, I guess I am not that much.

I need to stay away from fire extinguishers.



I guess I need to accept that Jayro just can't handle my fire.
He doesn't know what to do with it.

Since he kept on insisting on getting something easy.

I shouldn't minimize myself for someone who is not a man enough to handle me.

I guess I expected too much from him that he is strong & capable enough.
He needs someone easy and I should not feel bad that I can't fit the small box that he only is willing to carry. I am just too big for his capabilities. I should be okay walking away from someone who can't handle me. I deserve better.

Especially rn that I am going through a lot with my dad and I can't have a man like him at the back of my mind. I can't depend on someone who is so fragile. This is too much for him.

I don't know God. Sorry I am crapping on your creations.
Him and ME.

Okay Lord, how do you see us.

And why did you let our paths cross.

A bulldozer like me and a fragile flower like him.

Like why.
Thats def sounds like a GREAT idea.

Maybe I should just let it die and move on forever.
Maybe I should just find someone else and give up on our relationship.
Maybe I should just delete him from my life forever.
Maybe I should stop hoping that we will still make it work at some point, that we can still fight for us.

I want us to work... but idk if its right.
I want him to be happy and I don't want to burn him or ruin him just because I am ME.

Some people can make that work, I am willing to make it work.

Just like how a cactus can love a balloon.
(idk I saw a story like that somewhere lol)

Okay better analogy, the sun and the moon.
How the moon dies everyday to let the sun breathe.

tbh Lord, its sad to know really...
that I am willing to do all of these and I am not sure if Jayro is.

I still miss him.
Today, I still love him.