Is there still hope for me?

Can I still be with Jesus in heaven?
I really feel that He is coming soon.

I don't know when but soon.
He said in His word that we would feel His coming but we would never know the exact time, it would just get us by surprise.

I was ready, I was even VERY excited to be with Jesus and READY to serve Him with my ALL.
But now, I am even afraid for that day to come.

I know all I have to do is to let go, but I can't even do that now. I know I can, but now...

I'm just numb, hardened, and lost.

I feel that the world got me back again and it got me really bad.
It brought me back and I embraced it.

I want to go back but I just kept on going back to the same old pit.

Can my desire to be with Jesus be just enough to be with Him?

I know it's not, I know how it all works.
It's like, I'll tell this boy that I love that I wanna be with Him but I still have these selfish desires I wanted to feed. Maybe when everything is easy to choose, I'll choose You.

My heart is not the same anymore.

I miss God too, I miss Him SO MUCH.
I miss my best friend.
I miss my everything.
I miss my perfect love.

I want to be with Jesus forever but hardened hearts and trapped souls don't belong where He's at.

Is it really God telling me to let Daryl go, or it's just my compulsive decisions and instincts.

I don't see what's wrong with Daryl. It's like, everything I prayed for is him.

I am very happy with Him, but I'm not gunna lie... my relationship with Jesus got bad when Daryl and I  got back together. My fire slowly died, ministries slowly disappeared, my godly friends disappeared.
I slowly got more and more worldly. My desire to please God slowly disappear and my desire to succeed for myself and please my worldly desires grew stronger and stronger.

True that I wanted to dream again and have my fighter spirit back and my drive to reach my impossible dreams, but to dream and know that I'm not walking hand in hand with God everyday is REALLY hurting me everyday. I want to fight with Jesus, I want to dream with Jesus, I want to succeed with Jesus, I want to live with my impossible dreams and fight for it all with Jesus.

I want to be with Yell too, 'cuz being with Yell is slowly living the life I wanted to live.
He is EVERYTHING I needed and prayed for my entire life. I can't let him go, not unless God took him away from me. I surrendered Yell before already, and God took him away. I prayed that God should only bring him back if I am ready. I don't know if I was ready when he came back. Maybe God got a plan, but even if everything is perfect between me and Yell. I never feel VERY complete 'cuz I feel that God is not COMPLETELY with me.

I want to be in this relationship feeling excited to be with Jesus and have a fire that burns more and more each day for Jesus. Not lukewarm... or even very dry...

In every season, You are STILL God.

I know it's weird to talk about God right after sex.

But, I just want to feed the part of me that wanted to stop and fall in love with Jesus again.
I don't know... how to pursue this...

I don't know how can I do this, but I know... God sees a repentant heart...
I'm just scared that maybe my heart is not repentant enough since there's always a part of me that doesn't want to stop.

But you know what, the more I write this, the more I just don't want to continue doing it anymore.

I know I still have A LOT of things to do to get back at it...

But, I'll try some new come back strategy this time.

I'll take it all slow.

I will start with doing my best not to look at Yell lustfully anymore, nor seduce him.
I will do my best to take out sexual immorality.
It just completely taken over us.

And, me...
My heart.

It's not a heart of a P31 no more.

I started to look at another man without feeling guilty.
I hated it. It's not right...

But that made me realize that...
maybe because I just left my One true Love so that a regular man can have me completely...

My heart started to be filled with worldy things.

Also, I realized that when I looked at my old photos.
Even if I am living the way I wanted, nothing can really beat the life walking hand in hand with Jesus.

Oh my gosh, JESUS.

I haven't said that AMAZING name for such a LONG TIME.
JESUS.

GOD I'M SO SORRY.

HELP ME NOT TO RUN AWAY ANYMORE.
HELP US.

HELP ME AND YELL GOD PLEASE.

I have sinned against You God, like CRAZY.
But, can I still come back in Your arms?

I'm so sorry God, I can't promise You that I'm NEVER EVER doing it again, but I will do my best to make that possible.

I still long to serve You God with ALL MY HEART.
I still long to serve and love YOU with EVERY SINGLE THING I HAVE.

Please God.

I know You're moving.

And God... if You have to break us, go ahead.

Do whatever it takes.

I can't promise that I wont whine when I get hurt but I will let it be if that's what needs to be done to restore the fire in Yell and I's hearts.

YOU AND I AGAIN.
FOREVER.

God, please don't let us go....
:'(