Is there still hope for me?

Can I still be with Jesus in heaven?
I really feel that He is coming soon.

I don't know when but soon.
He said in His word that we would feel His coming but we would never know the exact time, it would just get us by surprise.

I was ready, I was even VERY excited to be with Jesus and READY to serve Him with my ALL.
But now, I am even afraid for that day to come.

I know all I have to do is to let go, but I can't even do that now. I know I can, but now...

I'm just numb, hardened, and lost.

I feel that the world got me back again and it got me really bad.
It brought me back and I embraced it.

I want to go back but I just kept on going back to the same old pit.

Can my desire to be with Jesus be just enough to be with Him?

I know it's not, I know how it all works.
It's like, I'll tell this boy that I love that I wanna be with Him but I still have these selfish desires I wanted to feed. Maybe when everything is easy to choose, I'll choose You.

My heart is not the same anymore.

I miss God too, I miss Him SO MUCH.
I miss my best friend.
I miss my everything.
I miss my perfect love.

I want to be with Jesus forever but hardened hearts and trapped souls don't belong where He's at.

Is it really God telling me to let Daryl go, or it's just my compulsive decisions and instincts.

I don't see what's wrong with Daryl. It's like, everything I prayed for is him.

I am very happy with Him, but I'm not gunna lie... my relationship with Jesus got bad when Daryl and I  got back together. My fire slowly died, ministries slowly disappeared, my godly friends disappeared.
I slowly got more and more worldly. My desire to please God slowly disappear and my desire to succeed for myself and please my worldly desires grew stronger and stronger.

True that I wanted to dream again and have my fighter spirit back and my drive to reach my impossible dreams, but to dream and know that I'm not walking hand in hand with God everyday is REALLY hurting me everyday. I want to fight with Jesus, I want to dream with Jesus, I want to succeed with Jesus, I want to live with my impossible dreams and fight for it all with Jesus.

I want to be with Yell too, 'cuz being with Yell is slowly living the life I wanted to live.
He is EVERYTHING I needed and prayed for my entire life. I can't let him go, not unless God took him away from me. I surrendered Yell before already, and God took him away. I prayed that God should only bring him back if I am ready. I don't know if I was ready when he came back. Maybe God got a plan, but even if everything is perfect between me and Yell. I never feel VERY complete 'cuz I feel that God is not COMPLETELY with me.

I want to be in this relationship feeling excited to be with Jesus and have a fire that burns more and more each day for Jesus. Not lukewarm... or even very dry...