For me you were never an option.

Today we had a YA reunion at Kuya Marks house and talked about godly relationships.
I was asked about Daryl and of course I said that we are just friends and that's how the conversation started... or preaching hahah since we have 2 pastors in the house to tell us wassap heh :)

They said that a boy and a girl can never have this deep friendship without having the other one falling with the other in some time or whatever.
They also said that happens because no matter what you say that you will never get at it with your bestfriend or whatever there will always be this time that you will think of them as an option for a spouse.

Some a day, a week, a month or even a year.

But, idk, Yell...
Well, the Lord only told me to WAIT since the VERY beginning and never said that He was the one, like CRYSTAL CLEAR.
Yes, the heart is deceitful above all things, who can understand it.

But, idk....
I do pray he is the one that the Lord have for me.
'Cuz if he ain't, well God's best must be blazin'! DEYUM!

I just thank God that I have a glimpse of the best through him.

It's like how we were before.

This is how we started before.
Letting go of each other even if we both know it kills us to have each other apart.

It's like how we were before.
I thought we passed this.

Here we are again, pretending that we don't care as much about each other.
Pretending that we're not special in each others' lives.

Whatever, I'll never talk to you till you talk to me.
Or just in case, I need to tell you something important.

I'll limit the smiley faces.
I'll limit the facebook page visits.

The more I give, the more I surrender, the faster everything would be...

I love you Daryl Ogalino.

It's just been a day...

And I miss you already... :(

And darn it, I'm re-doing my vow last year and making sure I would do it right this time.
To be single for the entire year and really let God be the love of my life.

It's so hard.
Sosososososoo hard.

When he said "Having so close and so intimate and to just let it go like that, is so hard to take in"
while him and Bin were talking still resonates in my head.

I'm sorry if I'm letting you go through this.
I'm sorry for the pain.
I'm sorry for the stress.
I'm sorry and know that I am hurting too as you hurt.

But I have to do this.
Whatever happens, we need to know how it is to trust God.

I love you Daryl, and I hope that you can really do wait for me.
Because, you know that I am no matter what.
I love you.

Here's to us being bestfriends.

Waiting.

You know, I'll do the steps myself.

I have to be hard on you if I have to.
I just pray that you can really understand and comprehend what I am trying to do.
What He is trying to do.

TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART. - Proverbs 3:5

He didn't say, trust the Lord with a little part of your heart, or
Trust the Lord with what is all within me except what is in front of me or what is in my reality, or
Trust the Lord with what only I think is going to work well for me or what makes sense for me.

That is not what faith is all about.

Hebrews 11:1 faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

I understand the struggle.
Believe me, I completely do.

I know how much it hurts.
I know how frustrating everything is.

I completely understand where you are right now.

I just pray that you would understand.
I pray that God will continue to reveal everything to you.

I know He is moving in your life.

No matter how difficult everything would be.
As long as we do it all for Him.

All we have in store is good.
We can trust that everything will work according to His plans.

Stop calculating.
Stop counting.

Just TRUST that His timing is ALWAYS.
ALWAYS PERFECT.

God, ano na?

Saan na ko pupunta
God saan ako titira
God, alam mo un feeling ko, nagiging okay na ulit eh...

God....
I know You provide and all...
But God... please.... I pray that you would provide a shelter for me please....
Please God.......

You told me I am worth than those birds and such...
Please God... Please....
Kahit saan okay lang ako, basta may matitirahan ako...
God please, please, please...

If ayaw mo, trabaho lang please God.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEEEE

Hiyang hiya na ko ng magkaron ng ganitong buhay.

God pleaseeeee, hear my cry God please...
Grant my request God.... please................

Please, please, please....
Trabaho at bahay po God...

PLEASE NAGMAMAKAAWA AKO GOD PLEASEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pag send ko ng mga applications ko, mabibigyan mo na ba ko ng trabaho?!
This month? or next month?!

Okay, I hear you.
"Am I not God of all? Am I not able to give you everything?!"

Okay, then, why God!?

Lord, si Daryl na nga lang natitira saken eh....
Kukunin mo pa....

Binibigay ko naman siya sayo ah,
Inuunti unti ko naman ah

We are trying God.
I know You know that.
I know You can see.

Okay, fine I'm not trying enough.
I know.

God, do you really want me to let this man go?
Hiniwalayan ko na nga diba....

Wala na, nde na kme.

God, would I be able to do what Junn did to Kimmy?

Is that really what you want me to do?
Iwan si Daryl ng ganun?

It doesn't make sense.
Nothing makes sense.

Ayaw ko na God.
Ayaw ko na.

You know,

I will study hard VERY HARD to be able to excel at school,
'cuz I want Yell and Tito Romi to be proud of me.

I will now fight the discouragements, because there's finally people who truly believes in me.

I will be better at singing
I will be a better artist
I will paint and draw more
I will continue learning dress making and design beautiful clothes

I will relive the most determined dreamer in me that's been lost.

I don't want stay as a wreak anymore.
I will move forward and not let anything step on me again.

I have people who believes and invests in me now.
I am worth something now.

God's always been here
He truly never ever left my side, no matter how far I tried to run away form Him.

I will also, come back to God now.
Go back in that heart of worship grind.
Back in that too lost in His love woman of God.

I want everything to be right.

I want to have the desires that God have for me.
I want to desire those things He desires for my dreams.
I want His plans in my plans.

I need to gather myself together.

I don't want to be a wreck anymore.
I hate being the helpless little girl.

With God's strength within me, it will ALL happen.

4 years without Yell.

Baka umuwi na nga ako.

4 years.
Mabilis lang yun :)

4 years...
Mamimiss kita.
I love you Yell.

Yell :'(...

Ayaw ko na.

I wanna dieeeeeeeeeeeee

Nde ko na alam gagawin sa buhay ko
Nde ko na alam kung saan ako pupunta

Ayaw ko na
Sumusuko na ko
Ayaw ko na
Ayaw ko na
Ayaw ko na
Ayaw ko na

Weak na kung weak
Pero, sumusuko na ko.
Sukong suko na ko...
Ayaw ko na

Nde ko na alam gagawin ko
Nde ko na alam

Ayaw ko na

I need to get back on my game.

If I fall, we fall together.

What I noticed, is that... in this relationship, we are REALLY a team.
Both of us is accountable of each other.

If one is not close to God, the other could pull the other one down with them or help the other to get them back up.
Or, if the other one is not willing to obey or surrender, the other half will be affected and could be pulled down.

I thought I was strong, enough.
I though I can face the battles with a sword from Christ BUT used with my OWN strength.

I need to put my armor down.
I need to surrender and stop taking over and think that I can do everything on my own.

I should always remember that this is His fight not mine.

I need to come back and come to Him again, if FULL surrender.

God...
I don't know where to start but this is the only thing that I can think of that I can do.

This decision and commitment AGAIN to You...
That I will surrender, everything.

My future
My dreams
Rj, Mama, Jed, Papa...
My heart...

and Yell...
especially Yell...

I thought I was there,
I thought I surrendered everything that is needed to be surrendered...

but God...
take it again God...

I do want to have Your plan to take place in my life.
I want everything that is Yours.
I want everything that is about You.
I still want You God to consume me...

Empty me, O God...
So I can be filled by You.

I am ready for the pain.
Yes, there is some doubts and all in my heart.
I know You can see that and I'm not very proud of it.

but God...
Who am I to let someone like You go?
Who am I to ignore Your call...

I'm sorry God for how I've been...
I'm sorry God for where I've been...

I am ready for the pain from EACH surrender...
I am ready for the pain from Your discipline...

Do whatever it takes God...
So, I can be like You... more and more and more and more everyday.

I still love You and I don't want to cheat on You anymore.
I am getting weaker everyday... and  I am sorry for taking advantage of You...
I'm sorry...

I know I am not worthy to be Your servant...
but God, that's all I can be to be close to You.

I hope You can still forgive me and welcome me with Your warm embrace...
I'm so sorry God.................

Please forgive me :'(
I love You.

I love Yell :)

I pray that I would be more in love with Jesus than Yell.
I'm falling in love with Yell again, more than ever.

I pray that my love for God would grow stronger.