Moon

I made a mistake.

Or maybe I did the right thing for myself.

Maybe I did myself a favor...

I am still hoping you would call me and act like nothing happened.

We don’t have that many things in common and we fight a lot. We get in each others nerves a lot.

But we always worked it out.

I wanted it to work out.

Do you even miss me too...

Because I do.

I want to die but I kinda dont

As I grow older everyone just seems disposable

I have been disposable too

And its not a big deal

What is keeping me alive right now is my dog and my ambition.

Somehow I think that ls pathetic but hey, at least something is keeping me alive

I just want to keep on concealing everything that I am. Doesn’t seem right but seem safe for me. Everyone lies anyways, everyone fakes it anyways.

I have lived on my own for years, I can survive living like this.

Should I be a zombie?

I guess I am trying to be one now.

Strive for the best

Die for your friends while trying to process everything in silencd even if they wont for you

Well I guess in a way, I did it. I killed myself but not.

I kinda don't want things to be okay

I just want my stuff back.

My cute pill box, my expensive rose quartz roller and lunch box.

I am debating if I should wait for your call or I should just message you and say
"Hello, I would like to have my stuff back and never speak to you again"

I want to say the reasons but I don't think that you would ever listen.
You never paid attention.
You were so consumed by your own needs and wants.

I mean, it was good
We had some good times

But tbh I don't even know what your intentions are anymore

Each time I try to say how I feel you ALWAYS shut me out

I am tired
I just don't want to keep going anymore

I think we've been talking for 7 or 8 months now.

I need some clarity or something
If I would stay tell me why I should stay
Tell me a good reason to stay

If not, I will gladly take the exit.

________________________________________________________________

I don't even think that you ever notice how I am putting myself out there for you.

________________________________________________________________

I think tomorrow morning before I go to work or after work I would text you and say that I want my stuff back & that I don't want to do anything with you anymore.

I am tired.

I don't even want to explain.
There is no point explaining.

You won't even listen anyways.






Are you even thinking of me right now?

The way that I think of you.

I don't think that you even respect me.





I wanted things to work out.






I don't even know if its worth it.






It's like I am giving my 90% to you and you give 2% maybe 5% on a good day.
If I say this, I don't even think that you would listen.
Or even try to understand where I am coming from.




I just want a place that is safe.
You are not safe.


Tbh I felt that you just used me.
And I allowed it.







I don't know :/

Hi God

I sorta kinda wanna choose death

I want to keep cutting everyone off

If Tux wasn’t here I swear I would have taken off

Thank You for Tux God..

You know what I am scared of this one,
I am not sure if I can trust that you will disappear anytime just because you found someone better.

Maybe right now you are here because nobody is around.
When I start trying to be serious with you, you better tell me if you gotta go.

Cuz I am starting to like having you around.

Moon

I guess it not that bad
I am getting comfortable
I wanted to stay
I wanted to keep working things out

Am I happy?

I don't know
Nothing is certain

I like the company
I like the idea
I like how things are going

Okay Maiqs, let's figure it out.

He started as a whatever dude lol that I just wanna get to know and who I am 10% interested in LOL
I gave him a chance because I was in a vulnerable time that I wanted to explore and got tired of people trying to run my life. I just wanna do something out there.

--
Well Moon, you are basically an escape for me
Do I want to fall for you?
Do I want to turn this into something more?
--

He is opening up to me now
I can see that he is trying now
Things are changing

Even our intimate time, its different now.

Do I have to be scared?
Should I guard myself?
Should I run?

Do I want to run?
Do I want to just let it.

Do I want to let him in?



We have very similar wounds.
I can tell that we wanted the same things and we are in the same dilemmas.



It's good that we are on the same stage at least no one is more all in lol


Do I want to start to be all in?







Things are changing.
Things are changing for the better.

I am just interested in him
Well, I think I am starting to like him

He's a Hello Kitty with a rough exterior

Ano kaya napagdaanan nya at nagkaganun sya.
Ako, I'm like that kasi madami aka napagdaanan ng paulit uit nawasak.

Sya din kaya?






teka, let's evaluate.
why do I want him, kahit we had too many differences and grabehan kme magaway.




Thing I like about the moon lol
-He is accepting
-He is open
-He is different from my world
-He is forgiving
-He is always willing to work things out
-with him, I am don't have to guess
aaaand the given things
-He is ambitious
-He have goals
-He is smart
-He is a problem solver
-He is simple & direct
-He have his own identity & opinions

Idk, I want to know him more.
He is like a deep well that is covered with a bunch of crap on the surface that sometimes can be seen as shallow and gross. But there is so much more. I kind of want to be one of the people that can get in deep in his well.


ON THE OTHER HAND.

Things I don't like (the cost of being with the moon) lol
-stubborn AF
-cusses like nobody cares lol
-he doesn't give me gifts or do couple things like idk A DATE. We went on a date like once. Well, my idea of dates. Like the bougie ones, where I dress up. I WANNA DRESS UP. LORD PLEASE CAN WE GO ON A DRESS UP DATE. It's like house dinner date, like chill stuff. Well we just started and we are just getting to know each other so I shouldn't complain too much. BUT BRO, once we are an official couple. BROTHA BETTER BE STEPPIN IT UP
(but, like I said things are changing recently and its my choice to stay in spite of that crap. I tried breaking up with him because of those crap but right now he is changing. So, WE WILL SEE)
-when we argue, WE ARGUE. HE DOES NOT BACK TF DOWN. It's like two bombs exploding after exploding then will explode again after the 10th explosion. It's like NUCLEAR WAR
-He doesn't like help
-His pride and ego is TOO MUCH
-Saying sorry is SUCH A HARD TASK
-Jesus is a sensitive topic for us (big one)


Things I am learning from the moon & benefits I am getting
-I am appreciating the simple things, like, I don't have to go all out to impress. I don't have to be extra all the time LOL
-I feel free in a way that nobody is telling me how I should feel or how I should approach things. I can just do what I want to do without feeling manipulated by church people.
-I am in a relationship that doesn't have to end because of all the misunderstandings and differences. I am finally in one where someone is willing to work things out and don't treat me as if I am disposable.
-I am seeing a relationship that idk seemed real and doesn't have to pull the Jesus card to say that they wanna work things out or they respect you. HE JUST DOES because he wants you. He will work things out not because of reasons because its a choice he made.
-BEING REALISTIC lol since I am always in my sunshine and rainbow world. I am seeing the real side of things by talking to him. I feel like its a good balance. I don't have to be in a world of confetti all the time.


well, seems like I just have to decide if this is what I wanted to invest in.

Things are changing and he seemed to be not toxic anymore and was awakened lol and started to care and be open.

So I think we are still in level one, but I think that we are progressing.
Aaaaaand I think I am starting to like him.



idk maybe I am just like this because I might be getting my period soon and sex was amazing last night. physical and emotional connection on point LOL also, I am in a somewhat challenging time and I just really appreciate him not leaving me or seeing me differently just because I am in this stage right now.

I just really really appreciate that my value in his eyes didn't diminish lol just because I lost a job.
It's nice that someone that I admire don't look down on me even things are stripped away from me.