5 years

 We've been at this for 5 years.

Buti na lang I have this blog so I can see how things were before.

Nothing changed...

He really didn't change...

The only difference from before was he decided to finally choose me...

But the way he handles stress...

Makes me feel abandoned... neglected... a burden...

Ganun parin.

Maybe they're all right...

He will never change...

It's not in him to adjust for me & accept me...

He just decided to choose me because he is of that age now... not because he actually really wants me.

If its more than one person, more than one group of friends telling me this...

I need to start believing them...

I did my best to not believe or entertain these thoughts but if everyone can see it...

Maybe I am just pretending to be blind and be naive...

My insecurities are actually justified...

He is so not self-aware that he will just continue to keep hurting me in the future.

It will be an endless cycle...

Maybe they are right...

Mababaliw lang ako...

Good thing I write everything in here....

Ganun parin pala kahit nung 2018 pa...

Lagi na lang ako umaasa na SANA kaya din niya ko paglaban.

Lagi na lang ako.... ako na lang lumalaban.... ako na lang lagi umiintindi...

Maybe this time, nde ko na hahayaan si Lord to move... ako na.

Ako na tatapos...

I have given him 5 years of my life now...

I hoped, I prayed & I fought for him REALLY HARD.

I really gave him everything I have.

I gave him too much and nde man lang niya napapansin yun.

Masasayang nga lang siguro ako if I keep fighting for us...

It's always been so difficult for him to choose me...

I deserve better than that...

Samantalang ako, for 5 years na... paulit-ulit ko siya pinipili ng walang pagaalinlangan...

I just really need to accept that he just can't love me as much as I love him.

& na... our friends are right.

I deserve better.

Okay, given.

Sure.

He did loved me too but it's conditional...

I gave him too much already...

I am walking away now.

Today, I am making a decision of letting it be a daily goal for myself...

Starting today...

To stop hoping & let him go...

To stop trying to figure it out...

------

Jayro...

I hate to do this...

I wish I will never have to....

I need to choose myself now.........

I need to allow myself to be okay that you are going to lose me.....

& that I am losing you too.........

In every way.

Not just as the love of my life lol.

But... also as the friend that I really loved for MANY years.

Someone I loved and depended on in every season.

Someone I laughed with and was so comfortable to do ANYTHING with....

I have to accept that, that's all just one sided.

You did say that you never really saw me as one of your close friends...

See even with that...

I considered you as one of my closest & dearest friends.

Kuya pa nga tawag ko sayo... 

I used to feel so safe and better whenever you are around...

I need to accept na.... Wala na yun.

We can't go back to that anymore...

I need to allow myself to mourn not just losing you as the one I want to build my whole life with...

but also... losing you as my friend...

I need to stop thinking na when I see you again, you will want to fight for us...

That you will also do whatever it takes to make us work....

Kasi ako, gagawin ko yun.

Handa ako na ibigay sayo lahat lahat.

Tanggapin lahat & I know it's going to be really hard but I am willing to go through all of the hard with you... I am so willing to do everything with you...

Pero parang ako lang gusto ng gnun.... nde fair for me....

It's going to be tiring to just be the only na willing....

Kaya ko gawin yun para sayo kasi lagi ko iniisip na worth it ka...

Ikaw hirap na hirap ka na piliin ako, paglaban ako or even just LIKE me.

I feel like a huge burden for you and a nuisance.

I deserve to be with someone who will make me feel liked at least.

I feel like I am just your last resort & you TRIED HARD to make it work for a year with me and got EXTREMELY disappointed that I'm not that domesticated Filipina housewife that will not ask too much from you. I am not someone who can just read your mind and know EXACTLY what you want ALL THE TIME.

At this point, I NEED to walk away now.

I deserve so much better.

I need to stop this cycle...

I really need to let you go now.

Completely...

I have given you way too much...

I don't think you would ever know how much I gave you and would be willing to give...

I need to choose myself now.

I deserve so much better.

I can't keep waiting for you to come around.

I can't keep waiting for you to realize my worth...

I should let myself be "the one that got away" for you now.

Someday, siguro you will realize na sana you fought for us...

Pero it will be too late na....

I am walking away now.

Thank you for everything Jay.

I love you so much... way too much.

I hope you find whatever what you need.

I hope you heal from the things that hurt you.

I hope you find peace in everything you do...

I love you Jayro.

I love you very very much....

bye.

Lost Cause

Lord,

Looks like I have to face this sooner than I thought.

I mean I can postpone this coming week then deal with it the following week...
I need to figure out what do I want...
A clear direction for myself.
God I need you to speak CLEAR sa discussion natin ngayon.
& I will accept whatever you say... I mean You always do what You wanna do anyways & You know what's best. You know my desires and His also. You know what is best for us...

Ugh, I am going through so much right now and I am scared... to entertain this again.
Alam mo yun, yung kahit friends lang okay. Babalik nanaman ako sa overthinking, sa asa...
God, isang sakit nanaman...

Okay eto, figure out ang mga bagay bagay....
Also apply na siguro ang cope ahead skills.

What am I feeling right now towards this situation?

-I feel anxious
-I am scared to feel the same kind of hurt.
-I am scared to see him not care as much about me anymore or see that he doesn't want to work on us anymore. I am scared to see that he realized that this is not what he wants anymore and he will tell me that it's best for us to just remain friends.
-I don't want to feel okay and accept that maybe it is best that we can just stay friends.

What do I really want to happen? What are my honest wants for MYSELF?

-I just want to live in peace
-I want to move on
-I want to be in control of my life
-I want to feel valued
-I want to be loved selflessly

Do I want us to get back together?

-I honestly don't know anymore.

Do I still want to work in our relationship, ever?

-I also don't know anymore. I want to say yes but I am asking myself... if it's worth it. I am thinking that maybe not because I feel like he is forcing himself to want me... Also, I don't know if he will ever realize how severe he hurt me without thinking of himself... I don't think he loves me the same way I love him. Unconditional. Deep inside, I know I am still hoping that we can make it work... but also I am thinking that could be a little too neglectful of myself.... or not letting myself look at the terrible parts of the relationship.

Can the relationship still be worked on? Is it too much work?

-Ang tanong, worth ba ng work? If you would ask me few months ago, I would 100% say yes. But now... I realized some things and... I feel like surrender na lang... kasi grabehan na....... sumusobra na si Jayro ng nde niya namamalayan. Kasi wala siyang empathy. I didn't think that his lack of empathy would affect our relationship this much but its a huge part...

Let's say, in an ideal scenario he tries to win you back and say that he wants to start over, would you be happy to do that?

-I don't know anymore...
-I am thinking that I have been disappointed and hurt way too much to even have room to allow reconciliation. I have given everything to him. I poured all I got plus more. I don't even think he appreciates that or sees that.

Do I trust him?

-I don't know too...
-I don't feel safe around him anymore.


Siguro nga, friends na lang.


Am I open to be in a relationship with him again someday if given a chance?

-Feeling ko sa ngayon. Move on na ko. Nde ko na siya nakikita sa future ko. Yah, I don't see him in my future anymore... I kinda don't want him there anymore...

Can I honestly say that I still love him?

-wow... I guess I have been too exhausted by life rn that... I don't know... I want to say yes but if I would look deep inside... I would say... I think so.... actually yah, I would not say no. Maybe because I haven't seen him in a long time....

------

Well there seems to have a lot of "I don't know's" in here and not so good looking stuff.
Maybe I did move on na...

& I let go na.

not 100% may natitira prin pero... almost mga 98%

Okay lets look, bakit nde buo na 100% what is the 2%.

The 2%

-hope that things might be different this time around
-it was really good before when we figured it out, I was hoping that we could do that again

Could we tho?! After all these? Could we?!

For me personally...


I think I have been hurt way too much with no empathy from him.
I have been so disappointed.

It would be hard for me to get there again.
I need to see Jayro work hard for me and see that he really wants me to soften my heart.

If he did show me na he really wants me and willing to work hard to get me again and keep me.
Tbh, it will soften my heart for sure and I will get the strength and will to go for it.

But I need something from him.
I need to see change and strong desire to have me.

I think that's my 2%.

Why do I even want this man?!?! THIS BAD.
Idk kasi TANGA.

Well here are my thoughts Lord.
Kaw naman ano masasabi mo po.

“Endure suffering along with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. Soldiers don’t get tied up in the affairs of civilian life, for then they cannot please the officer who enlisted them. And athletes cannot win the prize unless they follow the rules.

So I am willing to endure anything if it will bring salvation and eternal glory in Christ Jesus to those God has chosen.

This is a trustworthy saying:

If we die with him, we will also live with him.
If we endure hardship, we will reign with him.
If we deny him, he will deny us.
If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, for he cannot deny who he is.”

‭‭2 Timothy‬ ‭2‬:‭3‬-‭5‬, ‭10‬-‭13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

God is in the middle of all you are going through and this is just something that you don't need to worry about right now. You can put this to the side and remember that God is with you.

Endure all of these for this is shape you as a better ambassador for Christ.
Endure to be a better vessel of His glory.
Endure so that people will see who God is & that He is real.
    People will see that He really is the light of the world,

All the sufferings that is father filtered is always worth it in the end.
It's terrible in hindsight but it will all be great.

Don't let your heart be hardened.
Don't let your heart be bitter.
Continue to love and allow God to move.
Continue to live life surrendered.

As for this, the Lord will figure this out.
Rest in Him, He will take care of it.

Continue to fight the good fight of faith.

Lord, what do you say about now.

 I know I kept asking, sorry.

Lui and Gail have a point.

They are our friends that loves us A LOT and knows both of us REALLY WELL.

So I know you are def using them to help us.
They are our true friends.

God hopeless case nga ba talaga kami.
I mean Gail and Lui said na nde naman pero it's going to be REALLY hard to rebuild our relationship.

Should I just give up Lord?

You know my wants God and you also know na I listen to you kahit pilit.
Always Lord, I want you to be in every move I make in life.

Are we wasting our time and energy with each other? :(
It's sad... but you know...

“See that no one pays back evil for evil, but always try to do good to each other and to all people. Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Do not stifle the Holy Spirit. Do not scoff at prophecies, but test everything that is said. Hold on to what is good. Stay away from every kind of evil.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭15‬-‭22‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“Now may the God of peace make you holy in every way, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless until our Lord Jesus Christ comes again. God will make this happen, for he who calls you is faithful.”

‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5‬:‭23‬-‭24‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Okay, I am hearing you say that I just focus on my own growth right now. Basicuuuuulllih

But Lord, ang tanong. Do I move on from this man and are we really a hopeless case. Like I don't want to figure it out anymore or think about it at all.

oh okay, thats basically what you are saying too... like not figure it out anymore nor think about it... cuz I need to just focus on my own growth. And the words you said to me about us I must test them all. GOD, I thought I did. MANY TIMES.

Okay ganito na lang.

I trust you obvi.

Ikaw na lang bahala Lord.

Do whatever you want with that relationship.

God, ano lang... if you will rip him away from me because its not good for us to be together... God... basta walang cheating or anything like that... I had enough of those in my life... please. Make a way God where nde na nga pwede kami magkasama pa if that door is meant to close forever. But no cheating please.

Like can you just do it... idk Lord kasi umaasa parin ako and am I being a fool?

Maybe.

Am I trying to just ignore everything kasi sobra na ko inlove sa kanya.

If magkakatuluyan kami Lord. We want each other to be happy.
Can you help us make things easier God for our relationship to work if this is a union you will allow to happen. God... :(

I'm tired.

 Actually that word is not even close to describe how tired I feel.

I mean, I am not giving up. I am just tired.

I kept trying. hard.

I go to therapy, I do DBT, I pray, I do some soul searching A LOT, I give to people... too much.
I stay positive, I continue to move forward.
I am tired.

I just want to be okay.

I just want to skip to the part where everything is okay and figured out.

I am happy?



Everyone says that I carry everything well.
I guess I am just an amazing pretender.

Sometimes God,
I wish someone will be there to see past all this "strong" girl image I portray and help me carry it all.
I really thought that was Jay.
I was so convinced it was him.
He made me believe that he will help me carry the burdens of life no matter how heavy.
That's what made me fall in love with him hard.
He made me feel that he was the one you def sent to do like with.
Well Lord, idk.
Maybe I heard wrong.
It felt and sounded so clear.

Sorry Lord, I am doubting what I heard from You again.
Possible na I lack comprehension.

3 different kinds of confirmations.

Whatever.

I mean I get it.
My life is a lot.
I am a lot.

He tried & obviously got tired.

God, sometimes I wish I am not this "a lot" kinda gal.

"A lot" of personality
"A lot" of fire
"A lot" going on
"A lot" of life

I am just this big explosive thing that is way too much for anyone.
Only a God like you can handle.
Well my bestfriend, Lui, Gail & people at work & many of my friends.

Okay, I guess I am not that much.

I need to stay away from fire extinguishers.



I guess I need to accept that Jayro just can't handle my fire.
He doesn't know what to do with it.

Since he kept on insisting on getting something easy.

I shouldn't minimize myself for someone who is not a man enough to handle me.

I guess I expected too much from him that he is strong & capable enough.
He needs someone easy and I should not feel bad that I can't fit the small box that he only is willing to carry. I am just too big for his capabilities. I should be okay walking away from someone who can't handle me. I deserve better.

Especially rn that I am going through a lot with my dad and I can't have a man like him at the back of my mind. I can't depend on someone who is so fragile. This is too much for him.

I don't know God. Sorry I am crapping on your creations.
Him and ME.

Okay Lord, how do you see us.

And why did you let our paths cross.

A bulldozer like me and a fragile flower like him.

Like why.
Thats def sounds like a GREAT idea.

Maybe I should just let it die and move on forever.
Maybe I should just find someone else and give up on our relationship.
Maybe I should just delete him from my life forever.
Maybe I should stop hoping that we will still make it work at some point, that we can still fight for us.

I want us to work... but idk if its right.
I want him to be happy and I don't want to burn him or ruin him just because I am ME.

Some people can make that work, I am willing to make it work.

Just like how a cactus can love a balloon.
(idk I saw a story like that somewhere lol)

Okay better analogy, the sun and the moon.
How the moon dies everyday to let the sun breathe.

tbh Lord, its sad to know really...
that I am willing to do all of these and I am not sure if Jayro is.

I still miss him.
Today, I still love him.

Okay, let's process this...

If we get back together...

What I need to change from him:

-make me as one of his priorities
-be capable of seeing me
-lean how to love and accept me unconditionally
-learn how to manage his life and not take it out on me
-understand that relationships needs equal amount of support and that there will be moments that we have to give way too much to the other person and not get anything back
-understand that people will hurt and fail him in relationships and he needs to endlessly forgive and accept. BECAUSE THATS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE.
If not, then its just infatuation.
-him to see the realities of a relationship
-he needs to learn how to communicate his needs

What I need to feel in the new relationship:

-accepted
-seen
-treated as a team player and not as a support system
-I want to feel that I am part of his life & not just a person on the side that he goes to

----------

If I don't get any of those, and I get the Jayro that I left before this break.
I can't continue and move forward with this relationship and I need to accept that he just doesn't love me the same way that I love him.

----------

What do I need to change for us or the future relationship:

-not let them carry the sins of my past relationships; I need to see the relationship as is and expect it to be good as is.
-allow myself to be vulnerable and be seen
-allow myself to believe that I am loved
-know my worth

----------

Lord, nde ko alam kung ano dapat ko maramdaman.

Pag naiisip ko siya, parang... nde ko alam...
miss ko siya, pero parang tbh ayaw ko na balikan. 

Okay isa pa,
let's count the cost.

CON's of being with Anjero:

-It's hard for him to take responsibility of his actions. Lahat may dahilan. But I mean he gets there tho eventually... minsan
-Dapat SIYA ang dapat intindihin, MAS iintindihin siya
-When he fight, he fights to hurt and not to understand. He fights to be heard and not to solve. Akala niya ganun ginagawa niya pero nde. The way he fights is not mature
-His priority is himself. Well feeling ko, kasi wala ako sa ni isa sa mga priorities niya. He puts everyone first ako, jan lang
-When life becomes too much he takes it out on me
-He expects too much from me
-His threshold for stress is at 1%
-Party boy life
-It's hard for him to truly forgive me and he chooses himself instead of the relationship
-He wants me to be this perfect girl even if he doesn't want to admit it, he does
-He thinks he is mature but he still have man child tendencies
-He is TOO nit picky with me
-He is pessimistic
-His EQ is weak af
-We are very different, kailangan ng madaming communication at since comfort niya ay importante at communication sa kanya ay "struggle" edi wow. Okay ako dun, siya hirap kasi mahina nga si Kuya.

PRO's of being with Anjero:

-He usually tries to come up with solutions to fix the problem
-Before anything, he was my friend first
-I learn from him; may laman ang mga paguusap namin
-Malalim siya kausap
-He is constantly changing and growing
-He tries to listen and self evaluate
-Araw-araw masaya, pag magkasama kami wala kaming ginawa kundi tumawa
-I can be myself around him, I can be a kid around him
-He makes me feel that I can share anything with him & not judge me for it
(except for the last one I shared)
-Pareho kami ng mundo
-Pareho kami na may mga ambisyon sa buhay
-Same level sa spiritual maturity & sa level ng love & pursuit for God (which is hard to find!)
-We are very different, which helps me see things in different a perspective and be a better person

Things that will be super hard to find again from our relationship:

-our friendship
-level of spiritual maturity, level of love & pursuit for God
-laughter, walang katapusan na tawa, tawang walang pilit
-ung feeling na ako na ako yung sarili ko pag kasama ko siya
-feeling na pareho kami ng mundo na ginagalawan

Things I am willing to compromise (he needs to meet me AT LEAST almost halfway with these):

-His weak af EQ
-His stress threshold of 1%
-Party boy life
-dapat siya ang MAS iintindihin, OKAY FINE. Cost yan ng magmahal ng may mababa na EQ at stress threshold. TANGGAPIN.
-Pessimistic tendencies in super bad situations. TANGGAPIN DIN YAN. Kasama yan ulit sa umbrella ng low EQ at stress threshold.

Things I am NOT willing to compromise:

-Him having a hard time taking responsibility of his actions pag may super bad na consequence
-Me not being a priority
-Him not praying for me or us, and only pray for us in passing...
-Him not being able to accept me for who I am & not knowing how to forgive fast
-Him taking things out on me
-His immature way of fighting
-His inability to see me in difficult situations; not seeing me as a partner but an opponent

----------

idk Lord, obviously may problema kaya andito tayo ngayon. May problema na kailangan ayusin.
Jayro needs to have some realizations to do & growing up to do. Lol ako din, I mean I know you are changing me and I felt the change and the growth na ngyayari saken & healing. So there is that for me.

Lord syempre I want us to work kasi I found a lot of things in our relationship na matagal ko hinanap na akala ko madali hanapin, pero andito na. Kaya lumalaban parin ako...

There are some things na I don't think is worth compromising, well thats why we are doing this break.

I guess we will just see pag nagkita na kami ulit.

1 month pa lang naman eh.

Sana nde pa kami magkita ng matagal LOL

Miss ko sya sobra pero I feel like its best kung matagal tagal kami nde magusap para bago lahat.

I guess ang tamang approach dito ay ahhahahaha
YES.

TRUST IN YOU.

okay LOL.

I saw you work and move in our relationship & I know that You can and will do it again if its all according to Your plan.

If us marrying each other will give you glory you will honor our desires.

You will do what you think is best.

Mejo, impatient lang ako.

Gusto ko malaman na ano meron sa susunod na chapter ng buhay namin.
Would we make it or no?!?!?

SUSPENSSSS.

I mean I should be focusing on myself, it's just syempre I can't help it.

Ganito na lang.

Sige...

simula ngayon.

I should stop figuring things out, pinapagod ko lang sarili ko.

kaw na bahala Lord.

as usual.

pipigilan ko na sarili ko gumawa ng mga chart na ganito
nakailang chart na ko ng kung ano ano

Sana okay lang sya ngayon & mejo natututo na sya magmanage ng stress niya sa buhay
Sana bahay nila maayos na ngayon na patapos na
Sana okay na siya at masaya

God bakit ganun...

I try not to think about it naman eh.

I try to give myself grace kasi 1 month pa lang since napagdesisyonan namin na gawin toh.

Pero since kahapon napapaisip ako.

I am going back and forth.

I mean pointless thinking siguro kasi may missing variable.

Yung decision niya and mga realizations niya.

Kasi para saken,

Lahat madali lang ayusin.

Lahat kaya ko tanggapin.

Lahat kaya ko patawarin ng paulit-ulit ng mabilis.

Kasi ganun talaga pag mahal mo ng totoo...

Kasi normal naman na ganun ang proseso pag mahal mo ang isang tao.

Quick to forgive and acceptance.

Alam ko yun naman ang kailangan lang para sa masayang samahan.

Tapos pag nde nagkakaintindiahan.

Willing mo intindihin habang buhay kasi mahal mo...

At feeling ko nde niya alam yun.

Hindi niya gets yun.

Or baka nde... No, I am going to try to not entertain that thought.

Mahal ako nun.

Mahal na mahal.

Kaya ngayon.

Hanggang ngayon,

alam ko in his own way pinaglalaban parin niya kami at nde niya pa sinusukuan ng tuluyan.

Alam ko andito na andito pa siya...

Mahal ako nun.

Pinaglalaban din ako nun...

Pero ano lang...

Real talk.

Naiisip ko Lord.

Naiisip ko lang, na baka yes, tama. Mahal niya ko pero nde ung level na kung gano ko siya kamahal.

Mahal niya ko, pero nde unconditional.

Hindi yung... ugh, no nde ko eentertain ang thought na yan.

Like, lets just say that his love is not mature.

Lord, iniisip ko parin kung gusto ko parin ba balikan.

Gusto ko parin ba ipagpatuloy.

I have so many fears and alam ko siya din.

Gusto ko tumakbo pero nde.

Gusto ko lumaban pero nde.

ang gulo, ayaw ko isipin na may mga moment na parang wag na nga lang.

pero kung wag na lang parang ayaw ko naman sumuko.

bwiset.

Like I am scared na,

baka eto nanaman tayo...

Ako, na laban ng laban.

Ako na binibigay lahat.

Pero sila, instead of choosing me and thinking na worth it ako.

Iisipin nila na mas mabuti na umalis sila.

Nde ng kasi siguro nde ako worth it kasi narealize nila na nde pala nila ko ganun kamahal.

Kasi nakakapagod ako mahalin.

Mahirap lang talaga ako tanggapin.

Samantalang ako tanggap na tanggap ko sila at lagi ko binibigay lahat....

God, I just want to be loved for who I am and accepted for who I am.

Lalo na sa mga moment na super nakakainis na ko.

Just like what I do for them.

Like nakakapanghinayang na mgbbreak kami kasi ang weak weak niya.

EQ niya grabe. patawa.

Kasi wala siyang nakikita kundi sarili niya.

Pag nde niya nadadama wala siyang gagawin.

Ang tanga tanga niya Lord.

Cop out ung nde nagkakaintindihan.

God naiinis ako sa kanya.

Nde ko nga binubulyaw sa kanya kung gaano nila ko nasaktan noon nung mga magkakaibigan pa kami kasi sobrang clique-y sila and reaction niya "ehh kasi u were so closed, so why would we be friends with you".

I should have taken that as a red flag.

He struggles with owning up to his mistakes and taking responsibility of his big mistakes.

I mean, kung hindi niya narealize siguro mga yan at nde siya nagmature after ng break namin.

Siguro tama naman na iwanan ko siya na.

I need a strong man who can lead me and my household.

I need someone who is capable of seeing me and putting me first.

Nde na lang puro siya.

Good luck na lang sa "easy" niya sa edad na to.

Kung nde niya marealize na siya ang isa sa malaking problema, tama na ako umalis.

I need to love myself more kung gayon.

I need to keep telling myself na kung ganon ang mangyari.

I am not losing anything.

I am gaining everything and he is definitely losing me.

Baka nga we are forcing it...

 Am I giving up?

Idk, tama ba na pagpatuloy pa napaglaban.

I mean, maybe I am overthinking or am I fighting what makes sense?

I mean he is right, if its really God's will its going to make sense in the end.
It's going to work out.

Is love & commitment really enough?

Pag natino na ko.
Pag I learned all the tools to cope na, I healed...
Tama ba na bumalik at ayusin lahat samin.


May point nga, nde kami nagkakaintindihan.
He doesn't feel encouraged or supported by me.

Nde fair sa kanya, ako I felt that with him... hanggang ngayon.
It makes sense why he got very tired...
Panay lang ako kuha... nde ko namamalayan.

It's nice to know that someone loves me that selflessly... :/

Pero would it be good for me to stay and keep him?
Would it be good for us?
Could we create a great future together?
Could we be a great life partner for each other?

We want each other to be good and to have the best... are we that for each other?

Ugh, why does everything have to be SO CALCULATED.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.


Love okay andun madami yun.
Fun times din madami din yun.
Values namin pareho naman.
Commitment andun for sure.

Do we compliment each other?
I think so?

Madami naman tama.

Nde lang kami magkaintindihan.
Pero malaking bagay yun.

Yung pag ano-ano ko sa character niya at pagkausap ko sa kanya ng pabalang maayos ko yun.
Yung perception ko at pagiisip ko maayos ko yun.


Pero personality wise, okay ba kami.

hmmm, kmi naman ni Nikki ni isang common or whatever wala.
Magkaiba pa nga kami ng mundo, as in WALA pareho.
Pero bestfriend ko siya.
So, nde sa personality yun.

Naging magbestfriend kami ni Nikki kasi paulit-ulit namin pinili isa't isa.
Madali na ngayon kasi natutunan namin iforgive isa't isa ng mabilis.

Pero what lead to that choice?
Hmm sa una, wala lang nakikinig lang kami sa isa't isa.
Wala kami expectation sa isa't isa.
We just accepted each other as is.
Pareho lang namin tanggap isa't isa.

Siguro yun yun, mataas expectations namin sa spouse, sa buhay.
May expectation na napakataas.



I mean, is that bad?
Forever yun, dapat mataas standard.
Msyado ba kami naging idealistic sa pag-ibig.



Siguro.

Pero nde ba dapat natural lang ung connection.
Nde pinipilit.




Meron ba kami nun?
Feeling ko.
Pag kausap ko siya, pag nagkkwentuhan kami I feel connected to him.



Pero ung intindi.

kininginang intindi yan, pilit ko iniintindi.



Maybe we just need to spend more time together para masanay kami sa isa't isa.



Nde ko alam.

Sabi ni Nikki, matagal bago si Juju naging bestfriend niya.
Pati si Anna, si Carlos matagal din.


Lahat sila sinasabi na commitment lang talaga un.

Feeling ko naman may paraan.
Ayaw ko lang ipilit pag nde pwede.
Gusto ko din siya sumaya.
I want him to get what he needs in a relationship.
Ako din.

I mean tama naman na nasa season kami na ganito eh.
Kailangan ko to & kailangan din niya to.

Sana pag naayos ko na sarili ko, okay na.
Sana it makes sense in the end.
I mean it will pero sana andun siya sa huli pag nahanap ko na sarili ko.