I am ending his year horrible.

I started this year very hopeful that this could all end and that I can finally move forward.

I don't even know why I am crying & balling.

I just wanted to sleep.

God... everything still haunts me...

I'm tired of being a forever failure.

I just wanted to be great.

I want to be someone that this world would be proud to have.

I feel like I am the pit again.

Very empty.

It's all my fault.

When will i stop saying when...

Maybe, as soon as labs starts working...

Maybe, I could break up with him by then...

Maybe, I could end my selfish life and go back to being a servant of God...

Same would go to him...

I'm just terrified that...

There is a possibility that God may not give him back anymore cuz he could belong to someone else..........

And I am for someone else...............

I have that strong feeling that he is not for me and God is not in favor of our relationship...................

I am afraid to let go.....
I am TERRIFIED.

I lost him once already..........

I was SUPER close to let him go I am 99.9 or even closer! I was super happy God I was SUPER almost free........ Why do you have to show him to me again....

Sometimes, I still like Troie.

Just like.
Infatuated lang lol

He's so cute and to think he liked me
I am so flattered lol

He is such a cool dood

I really wished I went out with him before LOL just for show to say I've been with a Derek Ramsey look-alike lol

But I love Yell, no matter how hot Troie is :))

Troie is just a hot babe lol
Labs is my labs :)

I can't even cry on your shoulder.

I miss having a friend that can stop whatever they're doing just to listen to me.

I used to drop everything that I am doing to listen to my friend no matter how important I am doing and no matter how crappy I feel...

I just thought you're that person..........

I guess, I'll handle it all on my own.

I don't need anyone.

I wanna walk out of our life soon.

I am in the point of my life where I am 85% sure I want to leave and live my life alone.

Without you & without your family.

The Lord never want us together anyways, and lately I've been having a feeling that you belong with someone else.

I also don't want to spend the rest of my life... with you anymore...
I don't think... I want to be your bride anymore...

I try my best everyday to be happy with you...
Everyday I hope things would work out.

But since we got back together... my feelings just continue to fade.

& I can't see your mom the same since the first day she said something about my mom.

I want to try, but I just can't yet, since I'm not sure of you anymore.

I used to be SO SURE, that I want you forever.

I think I'll be happier alone.

Breaking up with you makes me feel, FREE.





Of course I will be sad and all that, but I can move on.
It's just.... I'm super close... to stop trying.

'cuz honestly, I don't think I love you anymore.

God's best

I always thought of him as...

The man who would lead me closer than ever to God.
The man who would remind me of Gods love
Someone who would understand me
Someone who I can say everything to
Someone who can read my mind
Someone who knows what to do whenever I am silent
Someone who will always try
Someone who will never brag that he gives me the world
Someone who gives everything to everyone and never ask for anything in return and never brag about it
Someone who will try every single second to make me fall for him over and over whenever he feels I am drifting away from him and God.

And you know......

You used to be perfect.......

Now nothing fits you anymore.

My mind is too clouded
My heart is too tinted

I have lost my way
I have let go of Your hand

Should have hold on to You tighter
Should have indulged in Your embrace

You don't want me to leave?

Lead me to God & not to sin.
Lead me to His love & not to your embrace.

I’m tired of always waiting for you to lead me to God.
You don’t know how much I miss my God.

Do it asap, or I will leave soon like I don’t mind.

This relationship is falling apart because God is not with us.
I want God here.
I want my first love here...

SUMMER PLAN 2013

1. Get a 2nd job & get bawlin'
1. Bounce Boba Loft
2. Maria's Kitchen
3. CPK
4. Starbucks
5. Restaurants around my house
6. Restaurants at Northridge Mall
2. FREAKIN' WIN TAWAG NG TANGHALAN 2013 SON
3. Record one of my originals
1. Before You
2. Running In Circles
4. Do covers
1. Try (Acoustic)
2. When I Was Your Girl
3. Girl On Fire
4. Adele Songs
1. I Can't Make You Love Me
5. Hike with Tux & Labs
6. Swim with Tux
7. Go to the beach!
8. Picnic with Labs

TODAY.

I was actually thinking of ways on how am I going to break up with him.
Not because I have to, because of God ish
It's just, I just feel like I don't love him anymore.
I feel like he's not the man I wanted anymore.
He's not the man that I need.
He's not the man I'm supposed to be with.
He's not the man who I am supposed to go through life with.

I was actually thinking of not fighting for this relationship, and just live life!
I wasn't hurt at all while thinking all of these stuff, I actually feel relieved whenever I think about it.

'cuz lately, he's not the man he used to be.
He was just like everybody else.
He seemed to be one of those guys who are just there and sees me worse than a piece of crap.
and one of those guys or people that sees me dumber than a starfish, weaker than a feather and cheaper than the ugliest prostitute that's in love with her drugs.

I'm seeing all the people that hurt me again, whenever I see him, whenever he does things to me that I don't like. So, because of that's I've been planning how to leave him to save myself from going into that pit again.

Also, I always told myself I never wanted anyone who would see life as black and white.
and it gets me mad whenever I see that he does see the good things good, and the bad things bad.
It's like, I want to ruin his life so he can understand.

But today, while having all these thoughts in my head.

He went to work early and got me food and hung out with me.
I got mad at him last night and changed my profile picture 'cuz I hate him there and changed his name on my phone from Labs to Mr. OA 'cuz I just hate him that much.

But after all that, I saw how he doesn't want to give up on me.
Whenever these things happen in my life
Whenever I feel this way
I know someone's giving up on me and I was preparing myself.

But this time, I felt that someone wants to fight for me.
Someone actually wants to keep me even if I act all tough.

Today, I thought I was convinced that I lost that spark for Yell. I thought I'll never have that back.
But you know, today, I realized how much he really do love me.

I'll do my best to be a better girl now.
& I'll do my best to put my walls down.

Brick by brick.

I miss my church family, A LOT.

When will Yell find God again?
He kept on saying he's good with God, but you know what, if anyone is legitimate with God, God will radiant in his face, his words, his actions, and his ways.

But I don't see God in Yell.
He is not all over him.

I'm tired of going to his church and just be a normal christian...
You know, go there, read the bible there, sing worship there, pray there, be convicted there, lalalalala
Same old cycle, like a little baby.
Such a beginner christian.

I don't feel like growing.

I'm tired of talking to Bin & Yell and feel like talking to beginner christians...

I want to grow.

And what I hate, I talk about God and stuff and they talk as if they've been there done that.

But you know what, why did you stop?!

I was in the best years of my life with God without Yell and when he came everything went downhill between me and God.

I always prayed for a man who is like God and will draw my heart way closer to God than whatever I have in mind.

I hate Yell telling me that this dude doesn't exist and I'll just be a nun.
I hate it when Yell keep saying, "I'm working on it"

I've been waiting 2 years already for HIM to get back at at.
2 years I've wasted, without Christ.

God, I don't want to seem like I'm asking for too much, Yell is perfect... worldly way...
But in the category that u made in my mind when I was with You, he doesn't fit there anymore...

I miss my ministries
I miss my church family
I miss You God

I miss being REAL.

I'm TOO empty with out You God.
I have few more drops left... but super close to being empty.

I don't know what to do God.
I know what to do, but I don't...

I know I gotta leave Him.
But I don't want to...

It will best for him
His life will strive

Whatever pain he would be going through I pray You would totally use it so He can be super close to You. But I'm scared to hurt him, but I've been hurting You for too long.... way too long God...


God please give me strength...

I wanna go back to serving
I want my fire back
I want my first Love back
I want US back...
You and I.
I miss my church family.
I miss my real family.
I miss them all...

I miss my life with You God...

Napapagod na ko

Napapagod na ko sa buhay na walang direction.
Bakit sa Philippines feeling na feeling ko may direction buhay ko

Dito sa amerika walang wala.

SA PINAS:
I'll be a singer
I'll be an artista
I'll go to La Salle University and do art
I'll go sell my art
I'll live my DREAM LIFE.

SA AMERIKA:
I'm a McD's employee
I go to a stupid Community College with the Degree I don't like...
I live in a room for rent that I can't even pay for fully

Gusto ko umuwi...
Kea lang si Daryl maiiwan ko
Tingin nila saken maliit
Lalo na si Daryl...

I DON'T BELONG HERE

Gusto ko na umunlad sa buhay....

One of things I hate about relationships.

I don't like feeling like this.
You know, feeling all empty because he's not around.
I don't need him, I don't need ANYONE.

I don't like feeling like as if I gotta be with him ALL THE TIME.
I don't like feeling as if something's not right because he's not here.
I don't like feeling SO ATTACHED.

I don't like feeling like he gotta talk to me ALL TIME TIME
or I gotta tell him EVERYTHING about my day.
I don't like feeling all sad 'cuz I can't say it to him because he's far.

I like being by myself.
I don't miss anyone.
I don't get attached to anyone.
I don't have to care for anyone.
I don't have to think of anyone.

Just me, my life, my dreams and just go to church and have fun with friends and grow as an artist, singer and a worshipper. Just all alone and happy!

Whatever, I think I'm getting my period soon.
Too much emotions.

God, can you really?

You make his dream come true and not mine.
You make his journey SO BEAUTIFUL and SO EASY.

He have money
He have rides
He have parents that supports him TO DEATH

How come, I'm just here.

I saw how you gave me a job, a room on my own finally and Daryl back....

Nvm... I know you will and you are hearing my hearts cry.

I cried for a job an a room and now I got it.
I cried for Daryl and now I got it.

Now, I'm crying for my dreams....
can I have that too God? last na....

Yun lang naman talagang gusto ko at alam kong alam na alam mo yan!
Bago ko mag-25 God.... please....
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE

DREAMS.

In the future, when I finally have that BIG COMPETING MOMENT.

I wanna sing this, then when I win. I WILL CRY TO THE MAX.