Lost Sheep!?

You don't know what I am going through and how hard is it for me to do it.

I know you care, but to call me LOST?

I love God too much to let Him go brah!

You don't know how hard is it for me to surrender.
I bet if you're in my position, you would have a hard time too.

I know I am messing up, but, are you perfect?!

LUKE 6:42 mah, dood!

Take the speck out of your eye first before telling others to take out theirs bro!

I know am I not holy or whatever, but we all struggle with our walks man!

Just when I am slowly surrendering him again, now you call me LOST?!

I am not living for you or anyone in this planet.

I will never show my journal to anyone anymore or share something legit with my walk with Jesus anymore.

IS IT A SIN TO DATE?!

HE'S NOT EVEN MY BOYFRIEND ANYMORE!

WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT!?

I don't know if I should post something in there now LOL

I want you to post something first LOL or, I'll go blog after I talk to Jesus haha
Oh my gosh, I miss you already!!!!

I miss my mahal, my sweetheart, my siopao, my honeybuchessss, my mochi! HAHAHA

Andami na natin napagdaanan ano? :)
Konti na lang, sandali na lang.

4 years? na puro ikaw.
4 years na habulan.

Sana, pagtapos nito, wala ng habulan. Partners in crime na talaga tayo.
I love you my mahal and I miss you

at sana naman magpost ka naman ngaun anoh! Inaantay kita!! kainis ka! HAHA

I'm still in love with you.

And this time it's stronger...
It's getting deeper...

I want to be real in here right now...

Just for now, I'll try not to control anything and maybe forget about the fact that I have to let you go.









For that entire year that I haven't seen your face
For that entire year that I haven't heard ANYTHING from you.
That entire year that I told myself that you died lol

I thought things would be different
I thought when I see you, I will forget everything about how I feel about you
I will forget about how you make me smile
I will forget how you make my heart skip a beat
and I will totally forget wanting to be with you all the time...

I thought, by this time, I'll be fine seeing you as my bestfriend, FOREVER.

but you know, this time, it's stronger...
and you know... I'm getting comfortable about the fact that I WILL FOREVER have you in my life.

The only thing that I am scared about is that, when I start to love you wayy too much again that God would take you away Himself cuz I can't let you go. I mean, I can... it's just so hard.

Hearing your voice, hearing those words, seeing you smile and having your scent on my clothes.
Everything.

You know what, I still have to let you go no matter how I feel about you.
Because I still love God more.

But you know... I want you to have the best...
but sometimes I wish.... it would be us.

That would be great ya know.
After 3 years, I am still madly in love with you.

We've gone through so much Ogalinie and still not a thing has changed.
I love you.

September 30, 2011

I just want to blog about our day today :')<3

So we went to chili's and ate "breakfast" at 12pm LOL

I woke up at 8am cuz he told me last night that we would probably hang tomorrow.
I was just thinking of me coming over to his house and chill like what we always do lol

I woke up early so I can be there early, but I was afraid to ask cuz he's probably sleeping lol
So I waited... till I fell asleep again! HAHAHA

I was holding my phone the whole time, then at 11am he finally texted me! and asked if I was awake and if I wanted to go have some breakfast with him at 12 :)

I don't know, this may not seem much but today... after the longest time...
after that LONGEST TIME!!!!! Of me trying to let him go, of me trying to move on, of me trying to forget about him, of me praying for our FREINDSHIP, of me praying for him to come back into my life as a FRIEND...

Since the day he cut me off his life on August 27, 2010.

I felt it, I saw it in his eyes.
Nothing has changed.

Thank You God for approving this day.
Thank You.

So you know we ate a chili's and stuff and he payed for my food and talked and stuff
and even if I know it's just a friendly day...
I would like to think that it's a date.

This day reminded me of the great relationship we both had.
That amazing connection I feel whenever I am with him
and those eyesssssss
that smileeeeeeee

I MISSED IT ALL

and you know it's happy to see that he have his purity ring back on and that conversation we had the night before about God :')

I am very glad<3

Also, when we went to his house...
I missed laying on his bed with him next to me.
You know, us not doing anything at all.
Just laying there and talking and try to take a nap :)

And before we part, I just had the best hug with Yell<3

I missed his arms around me.

And this was the longest hug I ever had with Yell since the very last time I saw him :')

This hug was longer than the hug he gave me when he saw me at Shepherd after we tried to have few months break on 2009.

That hug was special and his smile was special and the way he talked to me was special.

I missed my Daryl Ogalino.

but you know, just like what I've read at divine matchmaker.
"Casey only went as far as Joel leads"

So, I will not pursue him and STILL leave it all to GOD.

ALSO, Yell still needs to find and have an intimacy with the Lord again FIRST.

I will never stop praying for his soul.

I'm just very happy for today.
I really missed him.

Today really means a lot.
Thank You God. :')
Thank You for allowing me to see him today.

Now, back to business.

Disappearing Mission

You know I really appreciate it when you asked me if I stopped texting you.

I felt that you cared and making effort to keep our friendship.

It made me happy, praise God :)

I also appreciate it when you help me out with this mission even if I wanted to bash your face at times cuz it feels like you don't care.

You know thank you for helping me out.
I don't know if you really are, but I'd like to think that na lang...

You not texting me that often anymore.

You not calling me and telling me your day anymore.

You not asking me to walk with you or come over your bahay anymore.

Things are getting better actually the more I let you go.

And... you know, you're a great friend and I really want to keep you forever.

Our FRIENDSHIP forever.

I want to be your bestfriend.

You know, that kind of friendship that doesn't expect any romantic attachments.

If the Lord leads me only to your friendship, I am grateful to have that forever :)

Bestfriend Yell :)
I miss my bestfriend and I want him back.

But I have to let you go first, cuz as long as I am lost in your eyes there's 10000000000000 possibilities that I will get hurt and distracted and block the blessings.

I want my bestfriend to have that too.

I want you to have intimacy with God. Just like before.

He misses you too :)

I can be ready and you are not ready.
Or BOTH OF US is not READY.

Actually,
NOTHING IS READY.

The Lord said LET GO AND WAIT.
He is holding us back the darkest times and promising me AMAZING things if I OBEY.

I don't know how.....

I don't even know how to leave it all in Your hands now God....

HELP.

TOTALLY NOT READY.

YOU MISTER!
is TOTALLY!! Not ready.

The way you talk, I can totally sense you and I can really see why the Lord wants me to let you go.
I really have to learn how to let you go.
I really have to learn how to actually forget about you.

You are so complicated and the way you are right now especially with the Lord.
Ugh, NO.

I used to feel that I was ready, but now you are pulling me down.
To be really honest.

I don't know how to direct you back to the Lord but you are not there.

Its like the more I catch up with you, the more I feel guilty and farther away from the Lord.

You know how MUCH I care for you and I want the Lord to be the center of your life again.
I want to let you go...
I want you and I to find God... again.

I'm losing it... and the way that I can see you now...

To be honest, you're not really the same anymore and I don't want to be one of those people whose like "Oh, they're still the same person inside. I'll be here till the end"

'cuz you know the Lord gave me promises if I obey and really surrender you.
It was pretty legit.

I love you but I have to let you go again...
I'm getting there again.

I know it's kinda weird cuz ya know since we're just TOTALLY friends right now...

it's just, I don't want to be lead by emotions towards you
I don't want thing to happen according to my own will and deprive myself or ourselves to God's will.

I don't know......

Surrender it again...
Surrender it over and over until it's ALL completely surrendered.

I will give it, it will happen.
I will do it.

ALL FOR JESUS.

Looks like I moved on so much :)

I am GENUINELY HAPPY for him and in everything that happened and is happening in his life.

When I saw that she's looking very beautiful sitting next to him and his family. Instead of feeling replaced and sad. I am very happy to see her in that position and see Yell happy :)

He have a lot of friends now and he looks very very very happy and that made me VERY HAPPY :)

God really did molded our lives.

I am very involved in my church as well, having some beautiful fambam in Christ and all<3
and I am happy to see that he is too :)

and he found a very beautiful lady to keep<3

His parties are not just with his cousins and stuff anymore hahahahha HE HAVE FRIENDS NOW!! AHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAA HAMASING HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

My heart is now at complete peace for both of us.

Daryl's Chapter in my life: OFFICIALLY CLOSED :)<3

I am ready to be blown away as I live a life as God as the Lover of my soul & the ONLY Man of my life<3

God never said He was mine.

I was even called an adultress for being with him because he belongs with someone else.

God is always true to his word and Daryl looks happy :)
Very happy and the woman looks very beautiful and will never make him fall.

They're going to have a strong relationship because I know God molded them till they're ready and it's about time they meet.

He was perfect.

For someone else.

God please take EVERYTHING away.
Take it ALL. Take EVERYTHING that I have for Daryl.

He belongs to someone else now, I don't have any right anymore to feel this way.

I know that you are not the kind of guy who will just go into one relationship without praying about it REALLY HARD. It's about time. I wanted to say I love you but I can't. I can't say them to you anymore even if I still do because it is not right. Someone beautiful owns you already.

She won your heart and you won hers.

but I can I ask God's permission to say this one last time.

I love you Daryl Ogalino and I am very blessed that once in my life you were mine.
I am very blessed that once in my life I experienced a beautiful relationship when I am with you.
I love you Yell. It's obviously very difficult for me to let go of someone so beautiful as you.

But, I know God will give me the right one in time too.
He will give me the perfect one.
The one that is ready, that one that is perfect fit for me.


After this, I will do my very best not to say I love you to you anymore.
This will never fade and I will forever pray for you and care for you.

God really heard my prayers when He gave Hailey to you.

You know what I said?

I asked God that if it's not me, I want Him to give you your dream girl.
I told Him to give you a woman that can TRULY take care of you.
And not just that! I said that she better love the outdoors like you too, so you guys can go hiking and all together. She better be musically inclined to so you guys can jam whenever ya'll get bored.

And the most important, she better be a true woman of God and she will help you grow in your faith and so that you will not fall.

I really pray about you all the time Yell, never a single day that I stopped praying about you.
'Cuz that's all I can do.

I still miss you, but I don't think I am ready to see you yet now that you are taken.
It will kill me. lol

I know that I will find another you.
I love you Yell.

She better take care of you and love you genuinely.

I love you Yell and after this I will do my best to move on completely. I love you and I am sinning as I do this hahahahhaha

I love you Yell, bye.

It's been 9 months and 5 days...

3 months till it's going to a full year...

LET GO.

God, does he miss me too?
Does he ever think of me or remember me?
I feel pathetic and I can't help it God.

I'll be patient.

I miss Tito Romie God...

I miss Yell too

I miss them God, ako ba naiisip nila?

God sana makaunsad na ko no?

konti pa...... mfform na ko... nde pa ako complete...........
God show me the way to Your perfect plan for me.......................

Search my heart God and show me what is stopping me from getting to the destination that You want me to go.
Take everything away God that is hindering me from living the life that You planned me to live God....

Ok aaral na ko!

No, QT muna ko then God tatapusin ko na ung Philosophy Essay ko :) Yeh<3

He looks so beautiful and very very descent now.

He looks very mature and stable.
His career looks like it's going very very very well so as his walk.
He looks very good too.<3 As always :)

And look at me...
Still messing up with school
No Job
No stable career path
but my walk is fine :P

There's still a lot of things that needs to be fixed in me.
I need to work out too! LOL!
I need to love the outdoors and working out!
Well, I do LOVE the outdoors, it's just.... working out... I lovED it HAHAHAHHAHAHA idk... haven't done it in a while........ nako, it will be painful. It's ok.

But before that...
I need to be better in school!
I need to be focused!!!

STRAIGHT A'S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EOH AND ILLUSTRATION ALL THE WAY!!!!!!!!!!
WORSHIP LEADING AND SHOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh God.............................................. Guard my heart from whatever is going to happen.
Guard my heart God if Daryl will be with someone anytime soon........

He LOOKS like he is ready.
He LOOKS like he is ok now........

It looks like, you will give him that special lady now.............................

Guard my heart God, guard it God that it will not shatter when I find out.
Give him the best God :)
Someone that will REALLY take care of him and help him with his walk.
She better REALLY take care of him and not annoy him.

She better be VERY PERFECT! someone that can give him the things that I can't give.

Ano lang, prepare my heart God. 'cuz I don't want to get hurt.

Pero sa ngayon God, help me to be formed...

SCHOOL!!!!! Yan focus ko ngayon!!!!

My walk is fantabulous now next is my priorites. MY SCHOOL OH GOD. -__________-"

Hi God, I know you can hear my prayers even if You're not answering...

or maybe you did answered already but I was just distracted or something lol

but whatever it is, I know you hear me. I know you know my heart God and I am waiting God.

I know You have something way better in store for me. WAYY BETTER than what I have in mind.

I understand why You don't want me to see Him yet. I'm praying for it everyday God, You know I never stopped God and I know You can hear me. I am being patient God... I am trying to be! AHHAHAHHAHA


I know You will let me see Him again but I know I am not ready yet...
You know that I don't want Him back, well... ahahha I am telling You that I don't want Him back... but God, I know that You have better plans so I don't mind, I trust You.

I just want to be part of His life again, help Him the best way I can, I don't know how but I want to be there for Him. I want to be his bestfriend God, if he is not it...

Can I have him as my brother again?
Can I have my bestfriend back... I don't care if He is not going to be mine... God I want to be His bestfriend God. I want to be there for Him and I don't want to waste the friendship that we had... I know it's gone now... but I know God that You are a restoring God. I'll have my bestfriend back...

I know before that, I need to be ready...
I am not... I know when I see him, I am going to fall for him again.
I don't even have a job yet.

I want to be formed first.
I need to have better grades.
I am still incomplete.

It's not You are not enough God, You are MORE than enough.
Yes God, You are my bestest best friend in the entire world.
You are my lover and my everything.

And THAT TOO!!! I want to enjoy You first, I want to enjoy the life having You as my one and only perfect and wonderful Lover. I want to give You the love that no one can ever have. That love that I am dying to give, the love that only YOU deserves!

Well, I am just having my moments God... those moments that... You know....

And I am going to see You soon!!! I KNOW!!! You are coming soon!!!
God, before the rapture God... God before You come here..... God... I pray that my dad will be saved....

I didn't even spend that much time here on earth, I'm not even gunna spend time with him in heaven.

How painful naman God.......................................... Please God hahhh..............................
Tita Hannah too! 'cuz my dad is not going to be happy without her lol

Soften their hearts God and God please keep on knocking on my dad's heart God.

God, hopefully my dad can come to church soon God... He doesn't even want to go there....... it's so hardd!!!

But I know God that doing the impossible is Your specialty! Si Kuya Mars nga nasave, sana si Papa God!!!

Help me God to be the person You want me to be.
Help me God to be that woman that You want me to be and live the life that You planned me to live God.

Give me that faith God that just can follow You without any questions or hesitations.
Show me God the way and help me God.

I am in GREAT need of You.
I love You.

Daryl.

Pathetic how I still blog about a person that doesn't exist anymore.

Can you just show up and tell me the reason why you just left out of nowhere.
I can't go on with my life oh my gulayy.......

I'm improving but I'm still stuck on you............... obviously.....

I wonder how you're doing and I wanted to help whatever you go through....

Whatever, I'll just keep on studying HARD.

I know God knows my heart and hear my every cry, so I'll just sit here and wait.....

and you know what, what is mine is mine.

Can I see him now? :/

Wala lang... I know.... and I understand....

Pero God.... I just want to see him in person again.... God I haven't seen him for almost a year now...
I saw all the other ones... except him...


I saw Tito, Tita, his relatives, bin, everyone but not him...

I know I know nvm lol

I'll get a job first haha

I miss him God.
I'm perfectly fine, it's just I really miss him now God.
That's it.

I still wonder how is he doing and whatever...

Sana ok lang un. Sana ok lagi walk nia and talagang nggrow na xa ng bonggang bongga
& ung pride nia na napakatayog sana galing na sayo.

Ala lang God....hehehhe

ikaw bahala, thoughts thoughts ko lang hehehehe kaybai God I love You too :)

Hi Heart, you'll be fine soon...

The pain might feel like it is going to take forever, but we both know that it's not going to last that long.
It's not going to be as long as you thought it would be.

Just stay strong ok?
We both know it's going to hurt...
We are still hurting...
But we will be fine...

We've been through this before, we can do this again :)
Just be VERY guarded next time ok?
'cuz we can't afford to hurt this way again...

We'll be fine...
God will heal us, for sure.
Just keep our walls thick and build more and more walls everyday...

Stay strong, we'll get over this in time... ok?
We will be fine..............

I can totally feel that there is this huge possibility that our lives will never meet again...

If ever... it would never be the same...

I have to accept that the friendship that I've been praying for is been dead.... and can never ever be relieved....
Even that friendship that we had will never ever happen between us ever again........

It's ok :)

I have something wayy better :)
I have my YA :')

God gave them to me to show that there is something more out there that is more than that ONE friendship that I've been praying for...

It's just I really have to accept in my heart that...
Things are so different now and.... well haha Praise God that nothing will ever be the same

and it's just.... Daryl didn't made it to my future for a purpose....
and...... he's never coming back for a purpose.............

I need to stop this...

It's been exactly 7 months since everything..........
Pathetic how I count..............

I really don't want him back, I promise...

it's just I don't want to feel really replaced... especially when I never really had that closure.............

I want to be free first...............

I want to see him again first and talk to him again...... then I'll be ok..............
I want to see first.....

but I pray to God that it wouldn't be that painful awkward scene where I am going to meet him again while he is madly in love with this woman............

God please.......
You know how I don't want to go through all that again God................

That's feeling that I really am a little less better than someone.........
I know there will always be someone better than me.... it's just....

Through his eyes......

I know he is nothing special compared to what he have for me....

and I remember Marvin.... no..... Daryl's different.......

but they kinda do have things in common....

They're both jerks hahahaha
Marvin's just 10000x worse hhahahahaha



I don't know God........

it's like...........

is it just because I am not white....
is it just because I am not that smart enough or outgoing enough or productive and competitive enough....
is it just because I don't have that beautiful family and life....
is it just because I wasn't Christian when we met.....

I'm sorry God, but these things on my mind..........

Please take them away....... :(

CAVE OF SELF-PITY!!!!

:( .............

I just want to be free and have a peace of mind...........

It's bothering me God.....
STILL bothering me.... all the time..................................

I don't want to have that kind of feeling in my heart that I can't forgive someone or I need answers to pathetic questions that I just can't ignore...............................................

I am very very very happy with my life VERY!

It's just..... God.............

I want to have that closure....
If he is not it God......

Please let my heart have its peace....

God...... I don't like how I always unconsciously compare him to every single guy that comes in to my life...

I don't want him to be the base of it all........

God... this is why I don't want boys in my life for awhile.......

Look at me...... I fall for one then they break my face then I can't move on for years and it stops me from doing everything.........

You're the only one that I ever loved that never left and stopped me from being something better....

T____________T
Thank You hah........

You're the only man that I am not afraid to love with all my heart......

God next time hah............ ayaw ko na ng ganito..... kasi....... tignan mo naman ako...............

God, I know it's not Daryl anymore 'cuz whenever I think of him......
I cry.....
I feel that I am not worth it all....
I feel pathetic and unimportant..............

Omgosh.... I can't believe this.......
I'm still crying over it.......................................

I haven't seen him in the longest time but it still hurts..... a lot...............................................

I know when I see him again it will never be the same.... but God I am so stuck in the past.....

On that one stupid night......
On that one stupid fone call.....
That stupid goodbye!

Those memories............
Why can't I just forget them all like how I did with Marvin.........

I'm already 19 and I feel like a 15 year old girl crying over her first love...................
I know better than this....................................

God please don't let me stay like this forever........... again........

These feelings just keep on coming back.................

I want to have peace..........
I want us to have that closure already.........

I want us to talk......
I want him! to talk to me about it............
I want to be free...........................................

I am very happy and satisfied now :)

but the truth is, when I saw Bin at school...

I was thinking, when am I going to see Yell again lol

Am I going to see him now again anytime soon? lol

I was even like.... "FEW MORE PRAYERS THEN I WILL GET IT!!!!" lol!!! no. lol

I don't want him back at all, because I want God's best now and God's best will never leave me and will never be like him. I truly believe that I REALLY do deserve something WAYYY better than him now :)

I don't know, I still wonder how would it be like to have him as a friend again...

I don't have any bitterness in me anymore :)
Praise God.

I still do miss him but I kinda don't have that feeling that... I want him back wawhawhawhawah kinda thing.
I just really want to see how would it be like to have him back in my life again.

I never stopped praying.

I was just wondering how would our God talk would be right now. Now that I am different and... I don't know about him...

I still want to be his best friend again.

I want to invite them to our bible studies and fellowships and hang outs.

I know, I know he have beautiful friends and doesn't need us lol but... wala lang..............

I was just wondering.........

I still wonder what would it be like to be part of his life again.
How would it be like to have Yell in my life again, even if it's just as an apprentice.



I actually had a dream that I was with Alvin and we went to fellowship or something. Normal hang out day with friends, then I asked about what happened before...

I asked, why do they just have to drop me like that and do that to me...
He said that Yell and him planned it and he even told Yell that it's just so messed up to do that but Yell said...
It's the best thing he could do at that moment, the best thing for both of us.

I don't remember the other things he said but that's all I remembered then... in my dream I remembered Yell's text that I shouldn't think he never cared. When Yell said that to me, all I can think of was... "LIES!!!!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! GO AWAY!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Then after Alvin and I's conversation in my dream, I felt bad and eventually finally found my peace of mind...

It felt and looked so real, then I woke up -________________-"

PEACE OF MIND. GONE! HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!

Back to reality of trying to move and ignoring that stupid past that I just can't get rid of!!!!!

I moved on, it's just.... I don't know.... I'm still bothered by it lol -________________-"

Even if it's not going to change anything today... it's like.... I just really want to know the details..........

I wanna know WHAT IS! LOL!!! Popoy? Basha? HAHAHA

I know God knows what is in my heart and I know He totally hears all my prayers

I don't know...

Let God do what He wants to do to make things beautiful :)

I was just wondering.... :P

I am different now...

I like the new me actually.

But I still need to figure myself out...
I know I still need to fix a lot of things......... a lot.......

I don't want to rush anything anymore just to please others.
I'm just going to let God mold me...

His own time and process!

I'm getting there...
I'm a little bit closer to who I should be :)

One day

God will give us the opportunity to be at least, be just friends again....

I'll never stop praying.

MIKEY!

AHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!! Hi!
HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!!

Mikey and Jessie.

I remember why I liked Mikey now.
And why I feel so close to Jess.

They reminds me so much of Yell and I when we were together.

Ok.... This blog exists to keep secrets! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Secrets I want to tell but nahh lol

I know this is stupid. I haven't let go yet...
it's so pathetic...
That's why its here lol
This exists to hide my pathetic and stupid rants that WILL degrade myself to the universe.......

I don't know...
I still wonder how he is doing every single day and thinking of what if's...

Like, what if I am still talking to him right now..
Or what if... I can still see him... even just on facebook.

What if I can see him right now, even just as a passer-by.

How it's going to be like....

What if we're still friends...

Is it going to change everything?

What if I controlled all my feelings before and hid ALL my emotions and try my best to keep the friendship... just like how Mikey is doing.......

Is he still going to be here..................












fgcsvdbfuGADSJGfvsgfvKGAVDguSFVH!!!!!

MaiQui, stop.

I don't want to fix and try my best to keep anything anymore.
I will not take care of anyone or anything. Ever. Not until I feel like they really really REALLY deserve it.

I will keep on running away and will never tell them any reason why I'm ignoring them till I feel like it.

AHHHH!!! No, that kind of act doesn't glorify God........
AHhhh.... Lord it's hard..........

You know what I've been through to learn how to love myself....
hmm!!!

God....

Cutie Big Brother.

Satan just used you as one of the biggest bait don't you know that?
hah.

I don't know, maybe I should keep on doing it...
'cuz there's no harm that's going to be done...

You're my brother anyways and you can help me move on ;)

No no no.
I promised myself not to have ANYTHING with anyone this year.

And that is not possible because he gots the other chicka who is my sistah in Christ too.

Oh Lord.

He knows my weakness way too much.
Lord take the enemies away from me...

I want to succeed and I want You to move in my life and do whatever You want with my soul.

Lord please take away EVERYTHING that is getting in the way.