Okay fine, I'm not over it.

WHY DON'T YOUUUUU KISS MEEEEE BRIANNNNNNNNN LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

JUST KIDDING.
JK, IM NOT.

Okay, this is my ranting blog. I shall. Be true.
LOLOLOLOL

❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

He spent time with me in the car. Alone.
For a loooooooong time.

OMG MaiQui.
I don't know.
I am tempted to let go again and let my desires be and just experience and let lose. Ya know.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh

I waaaaaant to haveeee ittttttttttttt
I want usssssssss butttt noooooooooooooo

Noooooooooooo

Guard.
Must.
Keep.
Strong.

Djjsjksnssjsknsjsjsjsbshsksjhdsjjsjsjsj

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
CAN I JUST HAVE ONE KISS FROM HIM?

UGHHHHHH KP WAS RIGHTTTTTT
I AM PLAAYIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG

I WANNAAAAAA PLAAAAY WITH FIRENSJSKSJJSJSJSJDJOMGOGOGMOGMFMGOGMOFMFMOMGGGGG

And we don't stop.
Brian and I PAUSE.

UGHHHHH

Just.
One.
Kiss.

NO NO NO

Ugh, do I want that desire out?

I SHOULD TAKE IT AWAY.

DESIREEEE GO AWAY

UGH BUT I WANT IT.
AAHHHHHHHHHHH

DO U WANNA LIVE IN THE DARKNESS AND DISOBEDIENCE AGAIN MAIQUI

DO U WANNA GET SLAPPED BY JESUS AGAIN MAIQUI

OMGGGGGGGGGGGG

GUARD BRIANS HEART TOO OMGGGGG

THIS IS THE SEASON OF REAAAAPING

MAIQUI DONT MESS IT UP
DONT MESS IT UPPPPPPPPPPPPP

AHHHHH TEMPTATIONSSSSSS
OMGGGGG

MAIQUI WHO'S LOVE IS GREATER
WHO DESIRES YOU MORE
WHO'S LOVE IS MORE SATISFYING.

WHAT IS FOR ETERNITY!

REMEMBER WHY HE BROUGHT YOU OUT

UGHHHHHHHHDJSKISNSJOSJBAHJSKSJ

BRIAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN
WHAT ARE WE DOINGGGGG OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

BRIAAAAANNNNN
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I think I am over it.

And I will stay over it.

Yeah.

I am not a user like Daryl.

At least I caught myself.

I do like B, A LOT.

But I don't think its fair for him and respectful for him, if I just jump into things especially I just broke up with Daryl.

I am not that thirsty like Daryl.
And I am not desperate for a companion like him.

I have better things to focus on.
I have much more important things to think of.

I will not use B to make me feel happy.
Although he does

But I want the Lord first, to satisfy me COMPLETELY.

Not satisfy me, WHILE I am with someone and my heart and attention is divided with someone.

I want God to be my boyfriend and the reason why I am happy and the one I turn to when I am sad or stressed or whatever.

I want God to be my everything.

And if I do this, I don't want to be like Daryl.

I don't want to be a user and be shallow and immature and have no self-control like him.

I don't want to look thirsty and be thirsty like him.

And Brian deserves a woman who is not broken. I still need a lot of healing.

Hurt people, hurt people.

I will continue to tell myself that Brian is nothing.

I need to kill what we started.
I need to kill whatever grew.

Its over and done.

I don't need this.
Its too soon.

I am not as desperate as him.
I respect the people around me.
And I am not driven by emotions.

I am not thirsty and immature and a user like Daryl.

hshwkebbekaheosiesbieb!

FIGHTING ITJAJDJBEBAKBSKD

MYYYYYFLESHHHMAYYFAAAILLL!!!

SO WANNA SAY GOODNIGHT
SO WANNA SAY HOW ARE YOU

IIIIIIIIIIII
MIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS
YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUU

I WISH I CAN SAY THAT TO YOU
I WISH I CAN DISOBEY AND JUST RUIN EVERYTHING AGAIN

I WISH I CAN JUST GIVE IN TO TEMPTATION AND JUST PURSUE THIS AND FOLLOW MY FLESHLY DESIRESSSSSSS

WHY DOES FOLLOWING JESUS HAVE TO BE SO HARDHAJDJJNJD

WHY CANT THE OTHER PEOPLE PURSE WHOEVER THEY WANNA PURSUEEEEEE

NSJRJSJEJJEKRKIKEKEKEKKED

Sorry Jesus, I'm just ranting and letting it all out.

You know I love You! LOL

BUT JESUS THE STRUGGSSSS
THE STRUGGGGSSSSS JESUS UGHH

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

THE COST OF FOLLOWING YOU

AAAHHHHHHH
I DON'T WANT TO GET OVER HIM
I DONTTTTTTTTT WAAAANNNNTTTT

😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔

JESUSSSSSSSBDNNSJSNDJSNNSNS

WHY CAN'T I JUST DISOBEEEYYYY

BUT I WONT CUZ I LOVE GOD

IM JUST RELEASING MY FRUSTRATIONSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I miss you Brian😭💔😥

Rebuked! LOL

KP said, if I continue this
I will hurt him more than it will hurt me

I will hurt him 10x more...
Because I still have the hurt and insecurities from Daryl...

Whoever I am going to be with is going to be hurt, not until I am completely healed...

I can do this
I'll stay away

KP said I shouldn't let Brian let me be his God, because it is starting to be.

What we have is setting us up for destruction.

Isipin ko daw
It will not just hurt us but the people around us too....

The damage will be worst than Daryl....

Because this time,
It will hurt me, and him A LOT, our ministries, the people we are shepherding, the people he is teaching, the people he is leading.

Everything and anything we worked so hard for Jesus will all be destroyed...

I am the one carrying this KP said.

I need to help Brian..........
I need to feel for Brian and the people he is taking care of.......

If I truly care for Brian, I need to help him.

Its gunna hurt him now but it will be worst if we let it happen.

And it will hit him hard........... :'((

Sorry Brian.........
Good thing this happens now...

The Lord loves us both
Kea to ngyayari.......

I will really miss u a lot.

FOR JESUS.

Bbye Bae
It was such a great spending time with you

Bye.
#standfirm

I miss u :(

I hope I see you at soaking later
I wonder how are you going to be...

I miss u B :'((((

:(

The Lord said to listen to His rebuke.

If we want to find Him
If we want His wisdom.
If we want to be fruitful.

We must respond to His rebuke.

This is the Lord's way out.

:'((

I hurt him...

"I'm okay, he is okay, we are not okay"

I miss you B!
But ugh, I guess this is fine.

I said I will follow wherever you lead.
I will go as far you go.

Its getting deeper
Its getting stronger
Really strong...

KP said I need to try too
I need to fight it too

I need to help Brian
We need to help each other

We can't mess up now

I just ugh but whatever the Lord did this for a reason.

I disappointed him :'((((

Nde ko naman inakala!
I just ate.
I thought he would trust me

But I do understand where he is coming from..................
I know why he is mad....................

He said it will happen again. :'/

To earn Brian's trust is so hard
And to lose it is SO easy.

Is that really how your past hurt you B

:(((((((

Its just God...
I can feel how HURT he is!
I felt it.
Brian cared....... A lot :'(

I'm all in
He's all in :'(((

Are we sowing the right seed?

Well, whatever it is. We are stopping it...

KP said if I can, I should stop it.........

:'(((

We can't its too early....

FOR BOTH OF US

its just God...
I miss him already, BUT ITS OKAY I WILL FIGHT IT.

He said he loves my hugs because it feels right. Ugh T_________T

And those eyes! The way he looks!
Brian! I hate this! SO MUCH

I AM SORRY

MY WORLDLY HEART IS SCREAMING LOL
PLEASSE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE

I REEEEEAAAALLLY REALLY WANT TO SHOW YOU WHAT I CAN DO & GIVE

I REALLY wanted to tell you how much I love your hugs too that's why I hug you 10000x before you leave.

I wanted to tell you how much I love your company.

I wanted to tell you how much I love your voice.

I wanted to tell you how much I love you boldness.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT TO KISS YOU.

I want us.

BUT that is me without the Lord speaking and without my guard.

I need to acknowledge God in all I do and guide my steps and do what is right before Him.

So I guess, I will suppress it all.

THIS IS NOT THE FOCUS OF OUR LIVES RIGHT NOW.

& Brian deserves his P31 and that is not me yet. He deserves his woman of integrity.

He deserves the best.

If I truly care for Brian, I will let this be.
I will let him go.
I will let him grow.

I will continue to run after the Lord.

Its just nice to see you sprinting around the crowd with me...

You know B.
I HATE THAT I LIKE YOU A LOT NOW.
I HATE IT. I HATE IT. I HATE IT.

So you know, I think... You got a little piece in my now....

And I have to surrender that.

I'm really really sorry for hurting you...
I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry, Brian.
I really am.

And I miss you a lot already.

Yup, fell for him now.

Crap.

Part of me wants to run away, part of me wants to stay.

But, I think it's just my flesh talking when I say I wanted to stay.

I love talking to him
I love spending time with him.

And feeling this way scares me.

He is not pursuing me
I ain't pursuing him either

It all just happens.

But, it's not the right time.
And I don't really want this....

But if I just let my flesh and my emotions lead me.

I can say that I really do want to be able to kiss him lol and hold him....

Before I didn't want to, now I look at him and I have the desire to.

But I am rebuking it as much as I can.

I'll just keep ignoring it.
Until it fades.

God, can you please make it fade now...
Since this is not the right time.

I don't want to see him that way
I don't want to desire him

I need to help him to guard his heart too.
I know B is getting attached now too.

I really really want to spend more time with him.

I really really want to eat out with him.
Work out with him
Do QT with him
Ride in the car with him

Just him.

I am falling again....
I need to run away
I want to run away

But part if me wants to keep it going

You know what.
I'll be distant starting right now.
I'll let him talk and be there but I will be as undesirable as possible.

I'll make him leave me just like what I did with Yell.

I'm running away.

Natutuliro ako when you talk about money lol

Here we go again...

Lol, I remember with Yell we always talk about science.

With B its always calculations
And it just happens in regular convos lol

And he calculates them like nothing.

And honestly, I feel that this is harder than what Yell used to talk about lol

Praise God for your wisdom and knowledge Pastor B

"Casey only allowed her heart to go as far as Joel leads"

Divine Matchmaker

:)

Okay, I am not as terrified anymore :)

Praise God talaga.
Thank You talaga God.
Sobra sobra sobra sobra

I was freaking out SO MUCH earlier
'cuz my emotions are taking over me.
And I know he feels the same too.

It's really different talaga if you have the Lord in your hearts and if you are committed to Him wholeheartedly.

Today, we didn't only got revelations but encouragements :')

Well for me I got comfort, revelation and encouragement.

I can see that it is not us that keeps both of us on track. It the Lord and our decision to follow and obey

Praise God talaga that we both love the Lord and He is in our hearts and that we both made a commitment to hear Him everyday & not rely on our own understanding.

Thank You God for using Him to encourage me God to trust You more and be bold for you.

Thank You for introducing me to a friend like him.

We will just focus on Your wisdom and we both know that You will guard our hearts

Praise God talaga that You speak to both of us. & with this, damang dama ko na sabay kme. Its just B is running 100009990982928282929x faster than me, but we are in the same path. Idk

Like when we share QT to each other or I see his its like with mine too

Like right now what I see is that I am running towards God with all my might then there is this person who is running with me in the same area and when I see him I get encouraged to run faster.

'cuz its like he understands.

Like we are not running hand in hand
Just together.

& that kiss that didn't happen lol although I kinda felt like sayang LOL ayan na eh! Haahahha

But u know...
I feel like the most intimate part of our day is when he asked me about the soaking session and how did the Lord speak to me and how he told me that I have to be bold.

Jesus talks.

Is when I feel the most intimate and happiest.

Because the topic is the one we love the most and how to love Him better and live for Him better.

Thank You talaga God.

Boldness.

Pastor question and answer portion with Pastor B right now

Boldness God.
You want me to share
You want me to speak up
You want me to grow more
And get out of the comfort zone.

Enough of the baby food.

You want me to be a warrior now.

PRAISE GOD.

Thank You God that he hears from you :')

Praise God talaga.

I was so scared.
Thank You God that You're both in our lives and that we hear from You.

I was so scared.

After we do our QT, I had so much relief.
When he shared to me what the Lord told me, I got so happy :))

Praise God talaga.

Its really different when You are in our presence God. Ibang-iba

You really guide our paths as long as we fix our eyes on You.

Thank You talaga God.
Thank You.

My heartttttt

Okay B, today I'm not gunna lie I am KILIG TO DA BONEZ.

AND I AM SCAAAAAARED

CUZ I AM BORDERLINE SEEING YOU AS A PHASE TO SOMEONE I ACTUALLY WOULD FALL IN LOVE WITH AND ITS TERRIFYING.

Terrifying because the Lord said we are both not ready.
Terrifying because we both have responsibilities in His kingdom now.

AND YOU B.

I am so scared for you too!!
I am scared for your ministry.
I am scared for your walk.

Lord!! I am so weak still!

I am scared!!

If Brian have off days and he got weak, I am scared because I am depending on his strength....... And commitment and obedience to You...

I KNOW I KNOW GOD
Its wrong to depend on his strength to keep us obedient.

But what I learned from Christian dating is that the man always always always always lead the girl.

That's why I was confident with Brian.

But today Goddddd

GOOOOOOOODDDDDDD

PLEASE GUARD OUR HEARTS.

DO WHATEVER U CAN TO KEEP US FROM SLIPPING.

I am scared 'cuz You didn't say if we are for each other and whoever that is not GB that I am going to fall for will always lead to destruction and I don't want that for both of us

And we both know that our relationship with You is the most important relationship that both of us is going to have.

But our flesh God...
Our desires...

I am starting to get attached to him.
I am starting to get used to him.
I am starting to like him more and more.

Today, and yesterday I felt that he let his guards down too... Idk for some reason maybe because he is worried about his dad and he just wants to be okay. I don't know.

Yesterday, he was next very sweet to me.
Yesterday he got me food.
Yesterday we were next to each other most of the time.

Today.
He surprised visit me at my house during his work time before he go to the courthouse.
He visited me and ate at Woodranch.
Aaaand omg.
I thought we were gunna kiss today omg
PRAISE GOD IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Omg, I am SO SCARED.

GOD I DONT WANT TO FEEL YOUR WRATH ANYMORE. I DONT WANT TO HURT.

Please protect Brian and I.
You know our deepest desire is You alone God.
Please don't let our flesh take over us...
Please God please.

I am terrified....

Okay fine, until your dad feels better.

I'll be extra nice to you. :)

But after that back to normal lol

Okay just por today k

Today, I let my guard down.

I know your sad.
I'll be here.

I'll do my best to cheer you up :)

And do whatever will make u happy :)

If the Lord said yes...

Okay, let's think about this for a moment.

Let's say that Brian is GB and the Lord did wanted us to be each others companion to serve Him better.

Am I ready?
Can I accept it?
DO I REALLY WANT THIS LOL

Brian and I are so opposite lol
And he's so uncalled for
Very different from all the guys I've been with

Like, in a way that... He's not a musician, artist or whatever. His decisions are very different compared to my usuals.

His way of thinking is not like the guys I've ever been with at all

Well, he is very smart
But he doesn't have any pride at all

Well in my eyes.

'cuz me, ALWAYS. ALWAYS. ALWAYS. the guy I usually like have CRAY CRAY EGO and SUPER DUPER PRIDE CHICKEN.

Brian gets what he wants too and stuff but he is so humble about everything. VERY HUMBLE.

So uncalled for a guy that I would ever like.

He do acts kinda girly, which is a trait that my guy always have to come with LOL not my choice, just happens all the time lol

And he is very classy

Okay, the point is.
He is not the guy I usually go for

He is sensitive and very jealous.
Which I like lol

Okay, let s settle this right now.
DO I WANT THIS.
DO I REALLY WANT THIS.
WOULD I BE HAPPY IF THE LORD DECIDES TO GIVE THIS TO ME.

B, is very hardworking and dedicated to Jesus. So I can have my nice wedding lol

He is short tho
Lol

DO WE LOOK GOOD TOGETHER?

Well, I am happy having him around

He is mataray thats for sure.
Taray level higher than mine
I thought I was mataray, then this one proved me wrong LOL

AM I READY TO BE A PASTORS WIFE IF THIS HAPPENS.

DO I WANT TO LEARN SPANISH

LOL!!!!!!!

Okay, naiveness aside.

Honestly, I don't see a future with Brian just yet.
I like that he loves the Lord and all that Jesus stuff, but there are other things I need to consider.

SO WHY AM I FLIRTING AND ENCOURAGING THIS?

I don't know makes me feel good lol

AHHHHH

Heart is deceitful above all things who can understand it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LOOOOORD I AM SCARED
I AM TERRIFIED

I AM REALLY REALLY SCARED.

I AM LIKING HIM MORE THAN I SHOULD
and the fact that I am thinking about these things IS HORRIBLE.

I SHOULDN'T CARE OR EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS.

SHOULDN'T EVEN CROSS MY MIIIIIIIINNDD

& the fact that I prayed about it! AND TALKED TO JESUS ABOUT IT IS BAD.

I AMMMMMMM GETTING ATTACHHHHEDDD OH MAY GAD I DONT LIKE THIS I DONT LIKE THIS I DONT LIKE THISSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Okay Brian, you're gunna hate me for this but I will try to stop talking to you.

I swear, I am going to do it.

I am liking you more and more and more and I AM GETTING REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY SCARED.

YOU'RE TALKING TO ME MOOOOOORE

Brian my HEARTTTTT MY HEARRRRRRRTTTTT MY HEAAAAAARTTTTTTTTTTTTTNDDJSJJSHBSBSHSHSH

I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THIS NOR FEEL ANYTHINH LIKE THIS ONLY FOR JESUS!!!

I DONT WANT BOYS FOR THE NEXT 3 YEARS OF MY LIFE.

OMG LOOOOOOORDDDDDDDD
LOOOOOOOOOOOOORDDDDD

I LIKE BRIAN A LOT
AND ITS GROWING AND GROWING AND GROWING

I AM TERRIFIED.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND UUUUU

I am feel you getting closer to meeeee

When you said that the Lord said noooooo

I got no for now and I think you're saying no so I won't think about it

BUT YOU ARE CLOSER TO MEEEEEEEEEEE

MY HEART BRIANNNNNNN

I AM SCARED

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE JUST A PHASE OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a no, lets keep it at that

He just explained everything that the Lord gave him yesterday

And the Lord told him to wait for 3 years and God got mad because he brought that up LOL

Sooooooo specificccccccccc

But that 42 months could be 42 days, 42, years LOL 42 hours, 42 seconds BOOM HAHAHA

That's not us to decide.

I dissected it and I got no for now
But I asked him and I said "So, its a no Brian"

And he said "yeah"

so I'll leave it at that

No

BUT WHY IS HE GETTING CLOSER TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

But whatever, I'll leave it at that.
NO.

I got a no for now in those and like no for 3 years hahhahahaha

And no because of weakness
No for not the right time
No for the temptation

In general, NO.

& we are not supposed to be thinking about this right now and the Lord got pissed off that he brought it up lol

Well Jesus was cool to me hah!

Hmmmmmm
Actually I am okay that its a no

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY
REAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLYYY
like his heart for the Lord.

And how very encouraging he is and stuff.
His humility, obedience, commitment.

Okay let's encourage myself to see things why I should be happy that its a no. LOL

He's short ahhahahahahhhhahah
(LORD PLEASE DON'T EVER LET BRIAN FIND THIS BLOG LOLOLOLOL)
He's fat ahahhhahhahhahhh
He doesn't sing LOL
(AWH IM SO MEAN LOL)

OKAY, nvm
I am getting mean LOL

Let's just leave that he doesn't pass my super high worldly standards lol

But he do have a REAAAALLY nice smile.
He have big arm.
He loves to workout and be active
And food LOL
He have a very humble heart and a devoted heart for Jesus.
If the Lord ask him to sing and play an instrument he will.
Anything that Jesus ask he will do.

But its a NO

I think its a no for now LOL but
Let's leave it at that a "NO"

And Brian and I will not think about this ever anymore and will remain bffs.

I'll keep in mind that its a no.
And I am okay with that.

Kinilig ako lol

I was looking at the Praise Night line up
And lol

Kinilig ako when I saw he will share his testimony lol

I knew he was going to share

Okay, imma stop kbai

Okay fine lol

PATIENCE.

He said that the Lord is testing my patience in this season.

& he said that the Lord might give him what he wants but the satisfaction of the flesh will make him sick.

Maybe he didn't explain it to me more earlier 'cuz he doesn't want to think about it anymore too.

I am still not very clear about the Lord's answer to his prayer.

Kinda wanna know u know

I wanna know the details.

Okay, B and I are definitely distractions from each other.

Does it take time away from the Lord?
Hmmmmmmmmm... Sometimes.

I think about him too much lol

& the Lord said we are temptations from each other.

Also, the Lord talked about lust

Well I ain't lusting.
At all LOL

SOOOOOOO, maybe that is for the one that prayed about it hahahhahhah

Jk, but what I got from that is that the Lord is warning us of what is to come if we let our flesh lead us.

But there was a promise in the end.

He will lift up our horns and truly bless us.
As long as we respect His timing and obey and follow Him.

All I got from mine was to work and wait.

LOL

EHL OH EHL

Brian was so detailed lol
I thought my prayers were detailed lol

& yes Brian, I ask for detailed things too! Maybe I just wasn't blessed with the ability to interpret the bible in the way like you do.

Lol

It wasn't very clear in my head but...
I don't want to think about it anymore.

I'll just ignore and suppress it all till its all gone.

I'll just move on and forget it.

I trust that Brian will obey.

As long as he is obeying I know I will be okay.
Brian is very strong.

I'll just pray that He will keep getting stronger and obedient with he Lord and find confidence in Him in all he does.

I'll get over it.

I'll forget about it.
it's not really the focus of my life right now.

I'll just go as far as Brian leads.

Hmmmmmmmm...

Nah, I don't wanna think about it anymore.

Imma sleep.
Goodnight.
Lol