I miss you.

I am so glad I saw you today when you dropped your brother off to the office :)

I felt that you were fighting the urge to ask me to spend some time with you after bible study.

Well, I am lol
I wanna leave early and hang out with you after.

But seems like you are really fighting for the Lord this time. I guess I should now too.

I miss you a lot.

But I am happy to live in the light :)

Goodnight Brian :)

Dear Brian

Trying this obedience thing again,
One more time...

Thank you for leading me to obey again...
I saw how you struggled with it all...

How you wanna give up a TON of times
How you want to choose your selfish desires more...

But at the end of the day you always still choose the Lord.

This entire year, for me...
Is all about grace upon grace upon grace

Yours were all about miracles!!

Actually, this year was grace for you too...

Imagine inspite of all of what is going on, the Lord still gave you not just one miracle but... as far as I know of...

4!

Sbs, that's always a miracle
NextGen
YOUR TIA'S HEALING FROM CANCER
YOUR TIA'S SALVATION OH MY
YOUR MAMA TEACHING SBS
YOUR BROTHERS SALVATION

Bruh, das moe than 4

Honestly, I don't wanna stop or let go at all yesterday lol I am literally getting SO TIRED of going through the same thing.

I am just like, "Screw it, imma just be with bclar. Haters gonna hate. TAKE ALL THEM MINISTRIES AWAY, I AM GOING TO HILLSONG LA WITH MY BAE"

Well, I guess the Holy Spirit really do have a strong hold for both of us because through grace... and the strength that the Lord gave us through His Word made it possible for us to stay...

And for you to lead this relationship the way it should be...

In the light and the right way..

The goal is to really have a Christ - centered relationship that will be a vessel of God's love for everyone.

It was a great time with you, I wish we could have stayed that way longer...

Yeah we can
We just gotta disobey lol

But thank you...
Praise God that you are a man who loves Him deeply too...

I had a glimpse of your heart towards me and I saw how much I don't deserve it...

Don't be mad lol I saw that with Luiboyboy too lol... man the grace Lui pour on me B! NO ONE HAS EVER SHOWN ME GRACE LIKE DAT.

Anyways lol

The men in my life from the past started loving me because I loved them first... I took care of them and gave them my all...
Then they love me, duh lol
Who doesn't wanna be catered.

With you...
I just give you my attention.
I give you no love, and not enough care
I don't give you anything good...

And you still give me everything you can give, you listen to my cries, you calm my dramatic emotions lol, you never leave me till I am really okay, you see beyond my mask and don't judge the real vulnerable me underneath... you snap me out of reality, you protect me from getting hurt, you fight for me when I am treated unfairly...

Not a single time you asked for anything back nor tell all up in my face that you did all these for me...

You just let me see them...
It doesn't matter if I notice it or not...
You just do, you just give...

When I told you that I am not sure of you... I saw how hurt you got...

But even if thats the case...
You didn't like keeping me sad, knowing that you are the reason...

You will always call back and talk to me and apologize for being mad when you have all the right to be mad... and it was all me who hurt you...

I don't love you...
Maybe a little...........

After this wait,
Maybe we will see...

Thank you for everything.
Thank you for your heart.
Let's do this right, one more time...
Till next time!
Again lol

Love, your princess.

Sorry, I'm still scared.

Thank you for your heart tho...
Thank you so much...

I am sorry that I am this way...
I wish I can be stupid and brave again...

But I don't want to risk anything anymore...

Thank you so much...

I'm sorry that I can't tell you that I am sure of you...

I'm sorry that I can't tell you that I can fight for you...

I am so sorry...

I always try to pretend that I am strong.
I always try to pretend that I am independent...

But I am just a helpless little girl...

I am so sorry B...

I am so sorry...

I want to but I am scared...
I am so scared to have my all be treated as trash again...

I am so sorry...
I am so sorry that I am terrified...

Sorry...
I gave all my chances to the wrong people... now I have nothing left to give...

I am so sorry...
I want to take the risk...

But I was so sure before with two people already... the first time was a valid mistake, the 2nd one was pure stupidity...

What if I am being naive and lured again...

I am not saying that you have some plan to dump a huge crap on my face just like them...

But everyone have good intentions at first... then when I run out of things to pour out... when I start to ask for the same love that I pour out on them...

When they get to see my core...

They all leave...

What if...
That happens again...

I am so terrified...

Brian, I am so sorry...

I admit, I did give a little piece of me for you now... but I am sorry that I don't think I can ever give the same love I poured out to the other people I loved with my all to you...

I am sorry...

Brian, I am scared that I don't think that I can ever trust anyone the same...

I am sorry.

I am sorry that I don't think that I can ever give the same anymore...

I know its been a year...
I should be healed...

I am sorry Brian...

I moved on from my past...

But the wounds are still all here...

I'm sorry...
So sorry...

Please if you can...
Please stay patient...

Thank you for being there...
Thank you for caring a lot...

Sorry that I am this way...

Rant

This should be called the rant blog.
All I do is to vomit rants here lol

Come back to LA already! I miss you!
2 more days and I can see you again! Actually, not until Friday because there is no church thing Wednesday, that you and I can see each other.

Then Spanish BStuds Thursday.
You're here now so I can do nuthin lol
Can't come lol

Then friday!
Come to the office after BStuds k?

Well, I can't even talk to you.

You're teaching for October NextGen so I gotta behave. Its been pushed back a crap load of times for you. I will help you. Its hard! HELLA HARD MY B.

But I need to empower you.

I just wanna let it out here.
I am still gunna DO MY BEST to ignore you.

If you think that it is impossible to not talk to each other, I will make it work.

I just miss you.

Come home now, I just wanna hug you again :)

Just one hug hehe

When the time is right, it will all make sense.

Ughhhhh

THE BATTLE INSIDE OMG LORD.

I am super weak right now Lord.

I wanna see him SO BAD.

So so so so so bad.

I know he is fighting it too wahhhh

Retreat is next week and Brian have SO MANY plans and dreams and visions for this retreat towards Your people Lord omg..............

He have so much fire for this retreat omg God.

Its just 10pm and I wanna see him.

I am alone in the house and I can totally hang with him right now omg.....

We've been fighting this since 9am from Pastor Eugene's.

Ommmmmmmmmggggggggggg

For sure he is doing his QT rn and ranting to you too. Omg, I am so weak right now Looooooooooooooord.

Well of course my naive soul is saying,
"Oh, we will just talk and cuddle a little and spend some time and that's it. We won't make out or anything, we will just talk."

But of course in reality, FOR SURE we will at least kiss for like 2 mins LOL or if not he will touch me somewhere for sure because he is a guy and guys like to touch stuff. Like not even do anything but just hold me somewhere.

Ooooooohhhhhh myyyyyyyy ggggggooooshjsksksjjsksksk

Man.

Sorry I judged you.
And doubted you and the Lord.

Sorry that I let them get to me.

Thank you for protecting me.

Thank you.

Sorry.

I saw more of your heart.

And I am hating it more.
PRAISE GOD.







I can't believe how much of a liar you are.
When I thought you value honesty.
I can't believe how judgmental you are
When I thought you know how to honor people.

I thought you know what honor really is.







You're the one who be trying to talk to me all the time yet you tell people that I am the one reaching out to you? UH. MAY. ZING.








Of all people I will hear things from, I can't believe I can hear them from you.
It's okay if it's Jho, Ross, Lee, Melvs or whoever from church because I don't really talk to them.




but you?




I thought you have your own way of thinking.
I thought you know how not to conform to others.
I thought you know how to encourage.




In front of me you are a whole new different person to this person that people have been telling me who you are based on what comes out of your mouth and the way you act.





















Bye Felicia.

TALK TO ME

Ugh.

Kphine.

My God is greater.
Yes.

Ugh.

Hella backsliding bruh.

My heart is SOOOOOOO ready for the retreat.

Ugh.

I need to stop playing with fire.

Now I get what KP said na naglalaro lang ako. Which is true, I am.

Confirmed na, na nde na si Brian.

Well, I knew it wasn't him from the beginning. I wish it was tho at some point because he was amazing.

But Brian was right that its because I love the Lord and I saw Jesus in him, and same with him.

Without Jesus in our hearts I don't think we would ever be.

I like his attention.
I like how he makes me feel.

But this is all for destruction.
I need to stop.

Deep within honestly, I don't want to.

ITS BEEN 1 YEAR THAT MY HEART HAS BEEN LIKE THIS OMG.

& KP said that my love for Daryl before won't just disappear just like that. My love for Yell was too strong to just really move on that quick to Brian.

Brian filled that void... that Daryl left...

I hate it when KP says that I still love Daryl. Yes I moved on but the love is still there. I hate hearing it but its true...

And Brian helps me...
And that sucks for B.

In the wedding, Mama Claros kept telling me that B loves me and I don't know what to say when she asked me if I love Brian too...

Because I know for sure, I don't...
I like him a lot but love is a strong word.

And when Mama Claros kept introducing me as her daughter-in-law lol B kept saying that I deserve better and that he is not worthy to have me :'(

He kept telling me that he wants me so bad but he can't have me because I deserve so much better.

I always wanted to be wanted like that...
To be wanted even if I don't want him back as much as he wants me.

But we have different hearts towards ministry. He is super pastorial and I am super evangelical. I have the heart for missions and orphans and starting a new church and media and music and leading people to His presence and love.

And he said his heart for the kingdom is in a different direction compared to mine.

With B, its all shallow and immature.

I love his scent
I love his wisdom
I love his heart
I love his smile

But partnership in the kingdom is more than just admiration with each other. Although, that is part of it but that main purpose is to serve God better and love Him better as we both pursue the expansion of His kindom and love for everyone. Its more than just loving God more together but when we unite there will be such a strong force from heaven that will overflow.

I saw that in the beginning with Brian.
But the more we get closer, although we love God better with each others encouragements and prayers. I help him at SBS but I don't think SBS is my calling and flock and B needs a partner to expand the Spanish Ministry.

I want him too really bad, but I can't have him.

Goodnight Brian.n

Honestly,

The way you hold me...

Makes it easier for me to let you go.

I remember Yell would always say sorry if he lusted over me lol

Or he will say thank you after lol...

Yell won't let me sleep with no clothes on.

I know Yell's a jerk but he handled me very well and took care of me very well.

Its not like you don't...

Sorry B, I guess I was still looking for him...

Everything else you're a winner lol
Its just in that part...

I honestly felt like a piece of meat...
Yell never made me feel that way...

Sorry B.

You're My Boss

I was watching this movie and the part when they were talking about weddings reminded me of that one time when we were talking about weddings.

I had this grand plan for my wedding, and I asked you about yours and you just said, you're already saving money so she can do whatever she wants and get married however she wants.

Like the dude in the movie he just said that he will agree whatever his wife would say because all he want is to marry her and it doesn't matter where, when or how...

I sang the song I wrote for you at work today lol... first time I sang an original live... well I followed it with my Jesus song of course.

I shouldn't even dwell on these things...
Thats why I am putting my thoughts here lol just to blurt it all out lol.......

I miss you.....

The main dude's wisdom reminded me of yours. His simplicity and honesty....

Omg...

Sorry Lord...

So sorry...

This movie reminded me of how we were.

Like how the dude was like,
"Minsan masungit nga xa uo, mataray, matigas ulo. Pero pag nakilala mo makikita mo na nde xa mahirap mahalin"

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Dandelion in the Spring.

The dude in the movie is toooooooo loud and energetic compared to you. lol

Just his inner being LOL

You are very formal and calm lol

Yeah, I need to let go more.
Sorry...

I hope you're okay.
I miss you Brian.

Sorry Lord.

Almost there

There's times when I thought I am COMPLETELY over you, like I can totally see you as my friend.

But today, I noticed myself still looking for you. I still swoon seeing your face LOL

But I still think how unbeneficial it is to dwell on these things.

So, I shake it all off.

I am so much better...

I still think of you but not all the time anymore. It decreases the more I fall in love with the Lord.

The more I replace you with the Lord.

Just like what you said.

There's still bits and pieces, but I am getting there.

Just like how you make every effort for the enemy not to have a single opportunity to attack, I will do the same.

It is better to deny our flesh than to be hurt severely later.

I am getting there, I am almost there.
I will see you as my friend soon.

We will be friends soon :)

Dear B,

Idk, I started this post because I wanna say things to you because I am thinking of you... at 3:30am lol.

But as I start writing I thought of the Lord and how I decided to surrender everything and how I asked Him to take it all away.

Well, you were right. Thank you for helping me let you go and how to pray for it. Thank you for leading me closer to the Lord and not to yourself.

Thank you so much Kuya :)

I am glad I went through this with you.
I am thankful of all people its you.

I missed your smile.
I missed your touch.
Oh man,
I missed your scent LOL
I missed holding your hand
I missed your hugs
I missed you.

But we decided to let go and it is so different the more I surrender it completely to the Lord.

There is such peace and freedom.
Such intimacy with the Lord its amazing.

Thanks B.

Whoever the Lord have for you is a very blessed woman.

Truly you are a man of wisdom and integrity.

If its not you I pray that GB have a heart like yours. Wisdom like yours and passion and commitment to the Lord like yours.

Whoever the Lord preserved for you is a very beautiful and loved woman of God because He is preserving someone with a heart, commitment and passion like yours for her.

Someday if the Lord allows maybe this will just be a season but I am holding on to nothing and putting my hope into none of that but in His love alone and more of Him in our lives individually in the future.

Its been an amazing adventure with the Lord and I am just thankful that you were around for a bit, not because we got distracted I am not thankful about that lol but I am thankful that I saw that it is possible to let go and surrender someone with not much pain. It showed me that I deserved more. It showed me that there is a man that can be so selfless.

Thanks friend.

Soon enough we will be comfortable seeing each other as just friends purely. I will not hope that someday its you and me. I just want both of us to be fully used in His kingdom and be where He wants us to be. That is all I want for both of us.

I will continue to let go.
I am just thankful that instead of pulling me closer to you, you pushed me away and lead me closer to the Lord.

So thanks friend
:)

Yell

Is been a year.

& it still hurts.
I don't know how long would it take for me to be completely healed but I trust God's love that He will restore me and make me new. I know how precious I am in His eyes that I will not stay this way whenever I remember you and all of you...

I miss Tux.
I miss Diva.
I miss Tito & Tita.

I still think you are disgusting.
But I honestly miss you bestfriend...
I miss you a lot to be honest...

I really really miss my bestfriend.

I never want you back as my boyfriend nor marry you or any of those. I just miss laughing with you, doing things with you, telling stuff to you.

I just miss you Yell...

When will you break up with your easy to get girl? So we can be friends again?

I have a higher chance of being at peace with your next one but not this one.

Whatever, everyone is just waiting till you can stop being stupid and self-centered.

After a year, I realized how free I got by losing you. I realized how much the Lord loves me and how great is His calling is for me. Having Him here and continually being transformed and having that amazing feeling that I am being more and more of that woman He created me to be is amazing. To be able to use all of my gifts in their full potential and use them for their original purpose makes losing my old life worth it.

It gave me a chance to actually live a better life. So, thank you.

A life where the Lord and I are super close and hand in hand. A life where the Lords presence is all over it.

It's amazing.

I hope you are not investing as much in your life here. Like how you look, how you can excel in your career. Its good to do that but I hope that is not the main focus on your life and I hope you would notice if it is taking over you.

I am enjoying my single life Yell.

I am scared to be in a relationship of course. My trust for that is completely gone.

Oh, don't give me that "it's because you ain't ready" BS

Of all people you are the one who knows nothing about being ready and have no right to say if I am ready or not. And what it is to wait or not. You know nothing because right now you are living a life from opposite of that.

But you know Yell, all I am praying for is that... I can have peace soon because I have no peace...

It's true when they said that once we were betrayed/cheated on, it will ruin the way you view relationships, you view yourself and the peace within yourself.

But the Lord is much more greater I trust Him.

But, you know this season gave me a chance to pour out everything I got to Him.

It made me see that I deserve so much better than a boy.

I deserve a true, strong man.

& not just any other man, but a true genuine man of God.

A man of integrity.
A man full of wisdom.
A man that is full of humility.
A man who will avoid recognition at all cost and never ever ask for a single thank you.
A man who will not be mad if they don't recieve that thank you.
A man who will always put others above themselves.
A man who knows His voice and follows it.
A man who loves to intercede.
A man who loves to intercede for others.
A man who will choose what will hurt and ruin them for the sake of Christ and not for any other person or themselves but God alone.

I saw a lot of men like this and I thought my standards were too high, but I actually met these men.

And what I learned is that, it doesn't mean that I like a person a lot and he likes me back a lot, is that we have to date and be together till idk.

That's just stupid because there is a lot of great men out there but not all of them is yours.

I realized that, that mentality is very High School.

I learned to value myself that I am not just any other women that I will just let every guy that I like have me. The Lord did not die for me and do all of these for me, just so I can date a bunch of random guys before I marry.

I know my King is preserving me and I want to be that woman that my husband will be proud to have because a woman is her husbands crown.

I don't know when will everything make sense but I trust my God's GREAT love for me that He will make it all good for me. Since I carry His name.

Lord

Are you singing me a lullaby right now Lord?

Lord you are here...
I can feel you here...

"I will mend your heart. I will mend all the pieces. I will make you whole. Let it all out, you can be real with me, you can be honest with me. Am I not your Father? Let it all out and let me empty it all out. Empty your heart out with all the things you bottled up inside, let it all out. Its okay to be real with me, its okay to be honest with me. I am here to restore you, I am here to make you new. Am I your Father or am I not? Hear me daughter, I am here for you. Let it all out and I will fill you with life."

In the fields of white, with a wind so calm and strong. Your presence soothes me.

Closer than the skin on my bones.
Closer than the song on my tongue.

I lay here with You Lord, in the fields of purity and love.

"Stop working for it. Stop working for me. Let me move in your life and I don't need your help. Stop figuring it all out. Stop putting it all together. Your life is mine now and it is mine to fix, it is mine to use. Stop doing and moving for a second my child and let me move. Let me move this time. Let me shift things around, let me be the King of your life. Just lay down with me, just have a rest with me. Let us just stay together and enjoy each other in the fields. This huge field is all for us to lay on, rest with me child, lay with me. Stop it, stop moving, just lay here with me for a little longer. I wanna tell you more things, I wanna show you more things that I've been dying to show and tell you. That's all I wanna do with you child. Stop making it harder than it is. The hard part is mine to handle, just stay close and let us just love each other all of our days. Is that okay?"

Yes Lord. Sorry.
I love You too God.

Hi blogger.

Got them strong emotions again.
So I come to you again.

Oh you know its all about dem boys again.
Cuz I am thirsty.

I just wanna let it all out...

This one is for Yell...
_________________________________________

Hi Yell...
Miss na kita... its been a year...
Honestly I am still mad at you...
I still don't know how to really end it all...
I still don't know how to completely forgive, cuz Yell... till today I cry because it still hurts a lot...

I just want to remember all of you and not hurt... to remember Tita, Tito, Bin, Tux, Diva & you without hurting...

I am hurt because I have to cut them off too because I am so mad at you...

I've been trying to let it go and show the same grace that the Lord gave me but I just can't cuz I can't accept how much BOTH OF YOU disrespected me. ESPECIALLY HER.

Its been a year and it still hurts like hell...

I even let go of baby boy... just so I won't have any connections with you anymore...

Not even friends, not even Mitzi, not even your mom, your dad, Karen, anyone that tries to reach out to me that reminds me of you and the old us.

Not even Ate Annie, Jona, Erika, Emily, Tito Eric, Tita Loyola...

Everyone. I don't wanna face it...
I don't want to see anything...

I did my best... I am doing my best to forgive every single day...

I am doing my best to be healed...

I moved on and all but the damage is still here... I just wanna be completely restored Lord :"((

The Lord promised complete restoration and I trust Him with that.

Its been a year and I am sure better but I miss your family, I miss our dogs and I hate how you know what you did and how stupid you are and still you do what you do.

The Lord did told me that I need to always remember grace and not what is right or wrong. I don't know Yell...

I miss you and I am hella mad at you still especially with your easy to get lady.

I can hear you right now justifying yourself and how "but everything turned out to be good for you" "you are just like that because you are not ready" "you cant always have what you want MaiQui"

I can hear you saying things to make yourself feel better.

I hate it when I hear you say I always get what I want when I was the one who was left with nothing.

And speaking of ready, I guess you are ready when you betrayed me.

I just want to be okay when I remember you. I just want everything to be a faint memory...

Lord You promised freedom, please set me free... hear my cry Lord...

I responded with a dot.

Great job MaiQui -______-
You are now the pathetic queen.

I was just thinking about you B...
I was just ranting about you lol...

I was just rereading my blogs about you...

I SO WANNA SAY I MISS YOU TOO.

You have no idea how much I miss you too B
I miss you B so much.....................................

I so wanna respond and tell you how much I miss you and how it all hurts me rn :'((

But no...

I am already pushing it when I responded with a dot. Lol

I miss you too Brian Claros.
I miss you so much...

I wanna tell you everything I have inside...
But I will stay quiet...

I will just let it all out in here...

I miss you too B... So much.
I miss you too :'(

It's been a month now.

I bet you are over me.

You just unblocked me on IG & I don't think you know that I unblocked you on groupme few days ago.

Sundays are hard because just when I thought I was better I would see you and I would miss you.

You said bye to me today and looked at my eyes.
(LOL.... 💔 Ako na ang parang tanga LOL)

Namimiss na kita Brian but praise God that you moved on now. I promised not to ever let myself be an instrument for you to be distracted anymore. Tita Melba said SBS is growing big na, so it just shows that everything is going great :)

I just miss you, but that doesn't mean I would wanna be all over you again.

Well yeah, but that is just not right.

I am just pouring out what I have inside.
I miss you Brian.

B.

If you're him.
I am totally not ready for you.

Sabi na ngang I was not ready for you pa eh.
I prayed that if the Lord could never show his face to me till I am ready... Or maybe never 'cuz I don't think a man like you deserves a mess like me.

So sorry Lord.
So sorry B.

Lord please claim victory over my life Lord.
I am tired of getting defeated.

Help me Lord how to serve you right and live for you as you want me to Lord.

Help me hear your voice...ugh and obey it.

Lord...
So sorry...

I pray Lord that B is staying strong and na move on na xa...

Ako din...

Kasi as for now...
Miss na miss ko na xa.

Wala pang isang bwan Lord.

Pero mag-iisang taon na kme ni Brian Lord.
Tapos na kme eh.
Enough na...

Ayaw na nia saken.
I bet Brian is better now.

At peace na xa with the Lord.

Ugh.........
I will be better.

I depended on his constant reminders to do QT. To do OSL, to be on point on my Jesus game....

I depended on him on how he keeps me on check and on how he rebukes me and snaps me back to reality when I am frustrated.

I am so sorry Lord, all that belongs to you.

Lord.
I miss Brian.

But I will continue to let go...
I am sorry Lord.

I am sorry if I am hurting you rn.
Eto lang honest feels ko.

I need you Lord.
I need your help...

Lord...

Please help me Lord.

Miss na kita.

Pero lalabanan ko, ang gaganda na ng ngyayari sa buhay mo :)

Masaya na akong nanunod sa malayo.

I will always pray for you B & I am glad na umaayos na ang lahat.

Goodnight Brian.

:)

I am glad to see that Mama Claros is finally teaching! :')

I wish I can tell you how happy I am to see but I did messaged Mama Claros lol

I wish I had some of the posole.

But I am not gunna do it. I'll continue to stay away.

I am just glad to see good fruits from what happened. Tama na siguro na ginagawa natin na patay ka na sa mundo ko at patay na ko sa mundo mo. Patay patay lang lol

Okay lang na masakit na I feel na I am super condemned at church because of what happened. Okay lang na super na frustrate ako.

Andami nieo today sa SBS din :') praise God.

Masakit pero since nakikita ko ung fruits okay lang. Kitang-kita na worth ng pain.

Okay lang ako.

Nde naman ako affected.
Bakit ako affected, naging kme ba?

Minahal ko ba?
Nde naman.

Nde, I don't think na dun galing frustrations ko.

Siguro eto dahilan kea ako nahihirapan xang pakawalan...

Naging outlet ko ng mga bagay bagay si Brian. Pag nalulungkot ako, naiinis.

Nde na kailangan pa na magsabi ako magtatanobg na lang xa pag mai bumabagabag saken... Tas pagdadasal pa ko, sasabihan pa ko ng godly encouragement.

Right now, wala...

Naghahanap ako ng makakausap... Wala...

Napupuno sa loob ko...

Lord nahihirapan ako.
Lord ayaw ko malayo sayo ulit.

Lord, I need you.

I wanna obey you kea ko to ginagawa...

& enough na damage nagawa ko kai Brian.

Ginagawa ko to para sayo Lord
Para sa kanya...
Para sa family ko...

Pero Lord...
Hinihingi ko lang sa point na to...

Tulong mo...
Kasi mejo bumibigay na ko...

"Promise me when you miss me, soak in His presence"

I am guessing you hate me now.

But I hope you had a great time at PN & crunch today :)

I miss you...
But missing you is just part of moving on.

I think we are both more tired than how much we like each other.

I guess you and I will be just a memory na...
This is it.

The end of Brian Claros and MaiQui Layaoen.

:(

Oh man... You are not doing OSL now too... :/

Well I hope you have a great soaking sesh today :)) I really pray you would feel His amazing presence! Like a huge wave :)

KP said this happened, just think of this... As the way the enemy attacking us because there really is something really great that the Lord have in store for both of us.

Something really big is happening and that's why it is fighting us like this.

You said I can still pray for you & I am...

Thank you for thinking of my walk first before yours... Thank you for caring...

I hope you love God more through this discipline.

Brian.

Sorry.

Sorry we got to this point.
Sorry I completely ignored you Friday.
I saw you getting food, I saw you get water, I saw you with the youth...
You were alone when everything was done.
I am sorry.

I am so sorry.

I am sorry SBS got cancelled.
I am sorry for being too stubborn.

I am sorry for making everyone tired.

When I saw you Friday I just wanna say hi but I was fighting it.
Its better this way, you can move on better if I treat you like this.

I am so sorry for being rude.

It's great that Bao and Gerardo and baby Eli made it to church today!
I wish I can talk to them.
Oh man, how I wish I can carry and play with Eli.

I am sorry I have to move seats.
I promised to stay as far as I can to you.

It sucks that I have to be this way.

I am so sorry.

I really pray you are holding on and fighting for our God.

Its been a week since we stumbled again and that better be that very last time.

This discipline can get frustrating and discouraging, but I am praying that the Lord will show you mercy and give you strength to fight for Him.

No judgment matters but the Lord's.

I hope you never forget how dearly loved are we by our God and this is just a season of discipline and it will not last very long.

Maybe even after our discipline, I will never talk to you again... Idk

But I am surrendering our friendship too...
Everything that you and I had...

Well every memory and feelings I have for you... I am all letting it go and surrendering it to our God.

I am sick and tired of stumbling and making you stumble. I don't want to ever be in the way of the Lords plan in our lives ever again.

We are just a distraction for each other and I am so sorry..........

We were both lead by emotions...
Yes, we did focus on the Lord and such but we both know this is not what the Lord wants for both of us right now.

Obviously we still can't control ourselves lol

WE ARE NOT EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP & WE MADE OUT TWICE, and kissed idk how many times. Held hands when we got the chance and everything!

How I wish to just stay with you and just have it be you and I....

But we haaaave to be servants with this huge calling for His kingdom.

(Lol, jk Lord. You know how much we love you and how we think of this privilege as a HUGE HONOR. I am just purely venting lol)

But what I am saying is that... If only we are still worldly then we can have each other, but we are celled for a higher purpose and we deserve so much better... Than who we are right now...

His kingdom first.

It is always better to fight for the King than for each other.

We are both warriors for the King.

Our King will let us be together if He wants to. It is all in His hands....

I am surrendering you completely B.
I am so sorry for being a Bathsheba.

I will forever fight for my Kings place in my heart even if it tortures me inside.

& I always pray you will do the same.

I don't wanna say I miss you but I do.

& Cho's right, I think I kinda did fell for you.
But that doesn't matter now.

Sorry Brian, I hope you are doing well.
I will always pray for you.

I wanna say it to you...

But I promised myself that I will not say it not unless I am 100% sure you are GB.

"Just promise me, when you miss me, soak in His presence."

"Delete all of our messages, delete all of our pictures. When it is time and the Lord allows, this is only a season and we can make more memories together. These won't mean anything"

I am going to miss you so much.

I love our companion.
But we are not ready that is why we get tempted and stumble.

Anything for Jesus.

Say something.

But I guess I understand.

Namimiss na kita, sasandali pa lang kita nde nakikita at nakakausap.

Sa totoo lang feeling ko nde tayo eh.

Gusto lang kita
Gustong-gusto.

Mejo napapamahal na din.

Pero feeling ko nde tayo sa huli.

So tama naman na siguro to, bago pa magkasakitan.

Actually, nasasaktan na nga kita eh.
Sorry ah
Sorry talaga.

Mapagsasawaan mo din ako, makikita mo.
Tulad nilang lahat, mapapagod ka din.

Friends.

Let us analyze the problem.

Omg, I feel like a high schooler thinking of relationships. I am freakin 23. Whatever, my blog, my life, my thoughts, dont judge me.

Anyways.

LOL.

We are friends yeah, 'cuz we are not together.

We are def not even friends with benefits, 'cuz there is zero benefit on this. Physically LOL.

We kissed once in our life LOL.
Just once.

Wait Christmas too, but for like 2 or 3 seconds. Real quick.

Okay fine we kissed 2x in our life.

Then whenever we are alone, we hug a lot.
Like hug. And kiss on the cheek only. Maybe neck LOL and he will bite me. LOLOLOL

OKAYOKAYOKAY

It may not look AS BAD as what the world would perceive it but our hearts are attached now................. in some way...

Yes we do fight it sometimes but we are super close now.

We even hold hands when we can.

Friends don't do that.

Friends don't say goodnight and good morning to each other everyday and tell them about their day.

How can Brian and I be PLAIN FRIENDS.

What are we rn then.

Dating? Nah.

Well maybe ://

Patay.

2015 JUST JESUS!!
The Lord have great plans for both of us this year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Solo flight na xa sa SBS, KP is leaving it to him na.

Worship leading na ang peg ko.
Leading group D.
Leading Multimedia.

Leading life na ang peg namin dalawa ni Pastor Brian.

Brian have a piece of my heart now...
& I have a piece of his now too...

Okay, let go let go let go.

Friends.

Let us start with no more holdhands ever.
No more kisses EVEN CHEEEKS!

Oh man.
I want one on ones.

Okay okay.
No more of that. Friend.

STOP BEING STUBBORN MAIQUI.

Stop with the goodnight.

TONIGHT IS THE LAST GOODNIGHT!!!!!!!!

LORDDD😭😭😭😭😭😭

Good morning too...

Meaning I will be mean to him again then he will get over me then bam! Friends na kme!

I don't know I don't know I don't know.

😭

Patay tayo jan.

Mejo, nahuhulog na ko sayo.
Patay.

You're wise.
You're honest.
You have this genuine heart.
You have this servant heart.
You have this heart that LOVES Jesus!
You're confident in God's Word
You're bold
You're strong
You love to pray and your prayers are always on point.

Oh man.

You struggle but fight to please the Lord at all cost.

You help me understand when I am deceived by my own desires.

You know how to snap me back to where His voice is calling me into.

Brian Claros, patay. Lol

I need to learn how to be just PLAIN FRIENDS with you. Ugh Lord!!!!!

HOW CAN WE FRIENDZONE IT ALL.

You care for people way more than yourself.
You care way too much and hates recognition. You give and never ask for anything in return.

HUMILITY ON POINT.

I am blessed to have a friend that hits my head when I need to because I am fishing for answers in God's word lol I am blessed o have someone who can help me hear His voice clearer.

I am blessed to have a friend who loves to pray & cares for me a lot and asks nothing in return.

One day.
Maybe.
In Gods time

Brian. Brian. Brian.

I don't know what to do with you.

I really hope you don't think that I am just stringing you along and you are not just a guy that I let to buy me things and say nice things to me.

I don't want to say it, I don't want to claim anything but I hope you know who you are to me.

No, I don't want to hold you dear because that is what I want for God and I to have and such.

But I hope you know that you are special to me. No, it is not because you buy me things. I will pay and force you to not pay for me to show you that it is totally not about that.

You are for sure one of the most special friends that I have at church.

I sure do have a lot of fear in me but I hope you know you are not like the others in my eyes.

I wish I can tell you how special you are to me, I wish I can do anything and everything with you.

But I really hope you know.
I hope I am showing enough.....

I hope I can surrender now.

I love talking to you
I love having you around

I wanna tell you about my day
I wanna hear about yours

I don't know what to do.

But I will continue to pray that we won't completely give in till the Lord says we are ready.

OKAY FINE.

BUT I WONT BE AS FRIENDLY.
WORK FOR IT.
YOU DIDNT SAY GOODNIGHT.
YOU SUFFER.

Ministries.

I forgot I need to talk to you for ministries.
Bshsjsbsbsjsjabbsbsnsnsnsnnakakkansbsbkakabvgrrrrrrrr

OH STOP.

I am mad. Feel my wrath.
Even if you got me a guitar, strap, pick and capo. NO.

Good Morning mo mukha mo

Nde kita kakausapin buong araw kala mo.
& if nde mo parin ako pinansin.
Hanggang bukas.
Pakasaya ka sa off mo.

OH WOW.

You didn't hug me when you left the car.
You didn't even freakin' say goodnight.
You didn't even ask if I was home.

You also yelled at me at SBS because I whisper loud.

You are unbelievable.

Watch me ignore you.
Good.
Night.
Pastor.
Brian.

Some guys call their bae's baby, babe etc.

My bae calls me PRINCESS.

Just like Jesus :')

He calls me beautiful, just like my Jesus.

A heart like Jesus.
Wise like Jesus.
Compassionate like Jesus.
Filled with grace like Jesus.
Strong and gentle at the same time like Jesus.