Okay, let's process this...

If we get back together...

What I need to change from him:

-make me as one of his priorities
-be capable of seeing me
-lean how to love and accept me unconditionally
-learn how to manage his life and not take it out on me
-understand that relationships needs equal amount of support and that there will be moments that we have to give way too much to the other person and not get anything back
-understand that people will hurt and fail him in relationships and he needs to endlessly forgive and accept. BECAUSE THATS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE.
If not, then its just infatuation.
-him to see the realities of a relationship
-he needs to learn how to communicate his needs

What I need to feel in the new relationship:

-accepted
-seen
-treated as a team player and not as a support system
-I want to feel that I am part of his life & not just a person on the side that he goes to

----------

If I don't get any of those, and I get the Jayro that I left before this break.
I can't continue and move forward with this relationship and I need to accept that he just doesn't love me the same way that I love him.

----------

What do I need to change for us or the future relationship:

-not let them carry the sins of my past relationships; I need to see the relationship as is and expect it to be good as is.
-allow myself to be vulnerable and be seen
-allow myself to believe that I am loved
-know my worth

----------

Lord, nde ko alam kung ano dapat ko maramdaman.

Pag naiisip ko siya, parang... nde ko alam...
miss ko siya, pero parang tbh ayaw ko na balikan. 

Okay isa pa,
let's count the cost.

CON's of being with Anjero:

-It's hard for him to take responsibility of his actions. Lahat may dahilan. But I mean he gets there tho eventually... minsan
-Dapat SIYA ang dapat intindihin, MAS iintindihin siya
-When he fight, he fights to hurt and not to understand. He fights to be heard and not to solve. Akala niya ganun ginagawa niya pero nde. The way he fights is not mature
-His priority is himself. Well feeling ko, kasi wala ako sa ni isa sa mga priorities niya. He puts everyone first ako, jan lang
-When life becomes too much he takes it out on me
-He expects too much from me
-His threshold for stress is at 1%
-Party boy life
-It's hard for him to truly forgive me and he chooses himself instead of the relationship
-He wants me to be this perfect girl even if he doesn't want to admit it, he does
-He thinks he is mature but he still have man child tendencies
-He is TOO nit picky with me
-He is pessimistic
-His EQ is weak af
-We are very different, kailangan ng madaming communication at since comfort niya ay importante at communication sa kanya ay "struggle" edi wow. Okay ako dun, siya hirap kasi mahina nga si Kuya.

PRO's of being with Anjero:

-He usually tries to come up with solutions to fix the problem
-Before anything, he was my friend first
-I learn from him; may laman ang mga paguusap namin
-Malalim siya kausap
-He is constantly changing and growing
-He tries to listen and self evaluate
-Araw-araw masaya, pag magkasama kami wala kaming ginawa kundi tumawa
-I can be myself around him, I can be a kid around him
-He makes me feel that I can share anything with him & not judge me for it
(except for the last one I shared)
-Pareho kami ng mundo
-Pareho kami na may mga ambisyon sa buhay
-Same level sa spiritual maturity & sa level ng love & pursuit for God (which is hard to find!)
-We are very different, which helps me see things in different a perspective and be a better person

Things that will be super hard to find again from our relationship:

-our friendship
-level of spiritual maturity, level of love & pursuit for God
-laughter, walang katapusan na tawa, tawang walang pilit
-ung feeling na ako na ako yung sarili ko pag kasama ko siya
-feeling na pareho kami ng mundo na ginagalawan

Things I am willing to compromise (he needs to meet me AT LEAST almost halfway with these):

-His weak af EQ
-His stress threshold of 1%
-Party boy life
-dapat siya ang MAS iintindihin, OKAY FINE. Cost yan ng magmahal ng may mababa na EQ at stress threshold. TANGGAPIN.
-Pessimistic tendencies in super bad situations. TANGGAPIN DIN YAN. Kasama yan ulit sa umbrella ng low EQ at stress threshold.

Things I am NOT willing to compromise:

-Him having a hard time taking responsibility of his actions pag may super bad na consequence
-Me not being a priority
-Him not praying for me or us, and only pray for us in passing...
-Him not being able to accept me for who I am & not knowing how to forgive fast
-Him taking things out on me
-His immature way of fighting
-His inability to see me in difficult situations; not seeing me as a partner but an opponent

----------

idk Lord, obviously may problema kaya andito tayo ngayon. May problema na kailangan ayusin.
Jayro needs to have some realizations to do & growing up to do. Lol ako din, I mean I know you are changing me and I felt the change and the growth na ngyayari saken & healing. So there is that for me.

Lord syempre I want us to work kasi I found a lot of things in our relationship na matagal ko hinanap na akala ko madali hanapin, pero andito na. Kaya lumalaban parin ako...

There are some things na I don't think is worth compromising, well thats why we are doing this break.

I guess we will just see pag nagkita na kami ulit.

1 month pa lang naman eh.

Sana nde pa kami magkita ng matagal LOL

Miss ko sya sobra pero I feel like its best kung matagal tagal kami nde magusap para bago lahat.

I guess ang tamang approach dito ay ahhahahaha
YES.

TRUST IN YOU.

okay LOL.

I saw you work and move in our relationship & I know that You can and will do it again if its all according to Your plan.

If us marrying each other will give you glory you will honor our desires.

You will do what you think is best.

Mejo, impatient lang ako.

Gusto ko malaman na ano meron sa susunod na chapter ng buhay namin.
Would we make it or no?!?!?

SUSPENSSSS.

I mean I should be focusing on myself, it's just syempre I can't help it.

Ganito na lang.

Sige...

simula ngayon.

I should stop figuring things out, pinapagod ko lang sarili ko.

kaw na bahala Lord.

as usual.

pipigilan ko na sarili ko gumawa ng mga chart na ganito
nakailang chart na ko ng kung ano ano

Sana okay lang sya ngayon & mejo natututo na sya magmanage ng stress niya sa buhay
Sana bahay nila maayos na ngayon na patapos na
Sana okay na siya at masaya

God bakit ganun...

I try not to think about it naman eh.

I try to give myself grace kasi 1 month pa lang since napagdesisyonan namin na gawin toh.

Pero since kahapon napapaisip ako.

I am going back and forth.

I mean pointless thinking siguro kasi may missing variable.

Yung decision niya and mga realizations niya.

Kasi para saken,

Lahat madali lang ayusin.

Lahat kaya ko tanggapin.

Lahat kaya ko patawarin ng paulit-ulit ng mabilis.

Kasi ganun talaga pag mahal mo ng totoo...

Kasi normal naman na ganun ang proseso pag mahal mo ang isang tao.

Quick to forgive and acceptance.

Alam ko yun naman ang kailangan lang para sa masayang samahan.

Tapos pag nde nagkakaintindiahan.

Willing mo intindihin habang buhay kasi mahal mo...

At feeling ko nde niya alam yun.

Hindi niya gets yun.

Or baka nde... No, I am going to try to not entertain that thought.

Mahal ako nun.

Mahal na mahal.

Kaya ngayon.

Hanggang ngayon,

alam ko in his own way pinaglalaban parin niya kami at nde niya pa sinusukuan ng tuluyan.

Alam ko andito na andito pa siya...

Mahal ako nun.

Pinaglalaban din ako nun...

Pero ano lang...

Real talk.

Naiisip ko Lord.

Naiisip ko lang, na baka yes, tama. Mahal niya ko pero nde ung level na kung gano ko siya kamahal.

Mahal niya ko, pero nde unconditional.

Hindi yung... ugh, no nde ko eentertain ang thought na yan.

Like, lets just say that his love is not mature.

Lord, iniisip ko parin kung gusto ko parin ba balikan.

Gusto ko parin ba ipagpatuloy.

I have so many fears and alam ko siya din.

Gusto ko tumakbo pero nde.

Gusto ko lumaban pero nde.

ang gulo, ayaw ko isipin na may mga moment na parang wag na nga lang.

pero kung wag na lang parang ayaw ko naman sumuko.

bwiset.

Like I am scared na,

baka eto nanaman tayo...

Ako, na laban ng laban.

Ako na binibigay lahat.

Pero sila, instead of choosing me and thinking na worth it ako.

Iisipin nila na mas mabuti na umalis sila.

Nde ng kasi siguro nde ako worth it kasi narealize nila na nde pala nila ko ganun kamahal.

Kasi nakakapagod ako mahalin.

Mahirap lang talaga ako tanggapin.

Samantalang ako tanggap na tanggap ko sila at lagi ko binibigay lahat....

God, I just want to be loved for who I am and accepted for who I am.

Lalo na sa mga moment na super nakakainis na ko.

Just like what I do for them.

Like nakakapanghinayang na mgbbreak kami kasi ang weak weak niya.

EQ niya grabe. patawa.

Kasi wala siyang nakikita kundi sarili niya.

Pag nde niya nadadama wala siyang gagawin.

Ang tanga tanga niya Lord.

Cop out ung nde nagkakaintindihan.

God naiinis ako sa kanya.

Nde ko nga binubulyaw sa kanya kung gaano nila ko nasaktan noon nung mga magkakaibigan pa kami kasi sobrang clique-y sila and reaction niya "ehh kasi u were so closed, so why would we be friends with you".

I should have taken that as a red flag.

He struggles with owning up to his mistakes and taking responsibility of his big mistakes.

I mean, kung hindi niya narealize siguro mga yan at nde siya nagmature after ng break namin.

Siguro tama naman na iwanan ko siya na.

I need a strong man who can lead me and my household.

I need someone who is capable of seeing me and putting me first.

Nde na lang puro siya.

Good luck na lang sa "easy" niya sa edad na to.

Kung nde niya marealize na siya ang isa sa malaking problema, tama na ako umalis.

I need to love myself more kung gayon.

I need to keep telling myself na kung ganon ang mangyari.

I am not losing anything.

I am gaining everything and he is definitely losing me.

Baka nga we are forcing it...

 Am I giving up?

Idk, tama ba na pagpatuloy pa napaglaban.

I mean, maybe I am overthinking or am I fighting what makes sense?

I mean he is right, if its really God's will its going to make sense in the end.
It's going to work out.

Is love & commitment really enough?

Pag natino na ko.
Pag I learned all the tools to cope na, I healed...
Tama ba na bumalik at ayusin lahat samin.


May point nga, nde kami nagkakaintindihan.
He doesn't feel encouraged or supported by me.

Nde fair sa kanya, ako I felt that with him... hanggang ngayon.
It makes sense why he got very tired...
Panay lang ako kuha... nde ko namamalayan.

It's nice to know that someone loves me that selflessly... :/

Pero would it be good for me to stay and keep him?
Would it be good for us?
Could we create a great future together?
Could we be a great life partner for each other?

We want each other to be good and to have the best... are we that for each other?

Ugh, why does everything have to be SO CALCULATED.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.


Love okay andun madami yun.
Fun times din madami din yun.
Values namin pareho naman.
Commitment andun for sure.

Do we compliment each other?
I think so?

Madami naman tama.

Nde lang kami magkaintindihan.
Pero malaking bagay yun.

Yung pag ano-ano ko sa character niya at pagkausap ko sa kanya ng pabalang maayos ko yun.
Yung perception ko at pagiisip ko maayos ko yun.


Pero personality wise, okay ba kami.

hmmm, kmi naman ni Nikki ni isang common or whatever wala.
Magkaiba pa nga kami ng mundo, as in WALA pareho.
Pero bestfriend ko siya.
So, nde sa personality yun.

Naging magbestfriend kami ni Nikki kasi paulit-ulit namin pinili isa't isa.
Madali na ngayon kasi natutunan namin iforgive isa't isa ng mabilis.

Pero what lead to that choice?
Hmm sa una, wala lang nakikinig lang kami sa isa't isa.
Wala kami expectation sa isa't isa.
We just accepted each other as is.
Pareho lang namin tanggap isa't isa.

Siguro yun yun, mataas expectations namin sa spouse, sa buhay.
May expectation na napakataas.



I mean, is that bad?
Forever yun, dapat mataas standard.
Msyado ba kami naging idealistic sa pag-ibig.



Siguro.

Pero nde ba dapat natural lang ung connection.
Nde pinipilit.




Meron ba kami nun?
Feeling ko.
Pag kausap ko siya, pag nagkkwentuhan kami I feel connected to him.



Pero ung intindi.

kininginang intindi yan, pilit ko iniintindi.



Maybe we just need to spend more time together para masanay kami sa isa't isa.



Nde ko alam.

Sabi ni Nikki, matagal bago si Juju naging bestfriend niya.
Pati si Anna, si Carlos matagal din.


Lahat sila sinasabi na commitment lang talaga un.

Feeling ko naman may paraan.
Ayaw ko lang ipilit pag nde pwede.
Gusto ko din siya sumaya.
I want him to get what he needs in a relationship.
Ako din.

I mean tama naman na nasa season kami na ganito eh.
Kailangan ko to & kailangan din niya to.

Sana pag naayos ko na sarili ko, okay na.
Sana it makes sense in the end.
I mean it will pero sana andun siya sa huli pag nahanap ko na sarili ko.

God… :(

Feeling ko sinusukuan niya ko pero hindi.

God.

I mean tama naman madami din aayusin saken.

God… sabi mo.

Paulit-ulit.

Nu yun, ilusyonada nanaman ako ng paulit-ulit.

I mean may choice naman kami lagi.

God… isa nanaman ba na lesson si Anjero Lord… God andami namin pinagdadaanan ngayon.

God gusto ko lumaban.

Gusto ko maayos.

Feeling ko naman maayos namin to.

I mean I can’t control what he feels and his decisions.

God…

Normal ba to…

God, sabi mo…

Sabi mo…….

I trusted you.

Well I should always do.

I still do…

God kelangan ko kay Anjero magmature siya para maayos kami…

God I feel so HARD TO LOVE…

So HARD to choose…

All because of all the cards that life gave me.

Like its my fault na I lived in survival mode all my life.

Alam ko na nde nya intension na saktan ako ng ganun… lord…

Gusto ko din ng tahimik.

Gusto ko din ng masaya.

I feel like Jayro needs someone na perfect.

Someone na just the right amount of spice sa buhay. Someone na wala masyado napagdaanan. Someone na sheltered. Someone who have a normal life…

Choosing the one u marry is choosing who you want to do the hard times with and… I am just a hard thing to have… and… I might be too hard for him. For anyone…

Its easy for me to choose and love who I want…

I know naman na its hard to choose and stay with me…

God its just so heartbreaking to see na finally nagmahal na ko ulit… tas eto nanaman tayo…

Nakakalungkot Lord.

Sumuko na ko nuon.

Then Jayro came.

God I don’t know what would happen to me after this… kung maghihiwalay kami forever… pag nde kami magkatuluyan.

I don’t want to close my heart again.

I don’t want to put the walls again.

I don’t want to be taken over by fear again.

God…

God I want this to work out…

God I am in a place that I am most terrified to be in…

God tama lahat…

Tama lahat ng hinala ko.

Tama lahat ng naiisip ko.

God andito ako ung pinagkakatakutan ko.

Yung makahanap ng magmamahal sayo tapos grabe ang saya saya to the point of marriage tapos bigla bigla ka iiwan kasi nalaman nila kung gano kadami mo pinagdaanan.

Eto nanaman ako sa akala.

Humawak nanaman ako sa mga pangako.

I knew that we would get to this point and I was just hoping na ipaglalaban din niya kmi…

Sabi niya…

Ugh….

Okay this is what you said and I am holding on to that.

You said:

Psalm 56:3-4 & 9-13

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise— in God I trust and am not afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56:3-4‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“I am under vows to you, my God; I will present my thank offerings to you. For you have delivered me from death and my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before God in the light of life.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭56:12-13‬ ‭NIV‬‬

You reminded me of the last part last night…

“Make vows to the Lord your God and fulfill them; let all the neighboring lands bring gifts to the One to be feared. He breaks the spirit of rulers; he is feared by the kings of the earth.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭76:11-12‬ ‭NIV‬‬

My vow to him:

I will find everything I have in me. Good or bad & give it to him. Every single day. The worst and the best. Until all I am is His.

We we’re missing the fear of the Lord in our relationship. We we’re building without giving everything to Him.

As for me, I need to focus on myself to help build our foundation.

God never failed.

God keeps his word.

Let go of everything and He will make things work all for His glory.

God, I am randomly feeling terrified of everything…

I am so scared of everything.

I want to run away.

God I don’t know if I can do this forever thing with Anjero when I feel like I am just going to be this huge burden to him.

He doesn’t even care or respect the things that I care about the most and thinks its stupid.

He says he accepts me for who I am but real talk I think he is annoyed of me and thinks that I am a childish menace.

He is one of those people who thinks they know me and live to correct me "for my own good"

God am I making a mistake again…

I don’t know, am I even safe to feel these things?

I feel like I shouldn’t.

When I have episodes like this its like a huge burden to him.

Maybe he needs someone who wont be a burden. Someone who won’t ask or need anything from him and just give him whatever he wants and needs.

I feel like I will always be "too much" for his wonderful life he just wont admit it.

Can I even say these?

These will be too much for him because he said he is going through a lot so must not be bothered.

God I don’t feel safe all of a sudden.

God I am so scared.

God I am terrified that it cripples me.

So much…

I know he will help me carry things but I know he will complain about it.

For now he is okay, I guess.

When this happens forever he will be tired.

Then I will be blamed.

He is cool now but he doesn’t know yet.

God I am scared that one day he will realize that this is too much. I mean I already am.

And I am not even in my full form of crazy to him yet.

I don’t feel so safe all of a sudden.

Its not like I like feeling that way.

I just do & I am not going to apologize for that.

Let him continue live his normal life that makes sense. He needs to find another one that have a life that makes sense.

I don’t know God I don’t think I can do this.

This whole silent treatment too.

If this will happen each time, its not working.

I try to say "oh he really is just processing everything is gunna be fine"

I find more things that I have issues with then I wanna leave and get so mad and I feel paralyzed.

Literally I can’t function.

This is so stupid.

Please don’t give up ever

Jay, I love you with everything that I have.

I am willing to fight for us with everything I have. Even if I run out, I wanna keep going.

I know it’s been very hard but please, don’t give up on us.

I wanna keep you not because of desperation but because I have looked everywhere and tried with everyone. No one compares to you.

You’re something that is hard to find.

Someone that comes very rarely in life.

I love you with all that I am and I want to keep showing you how that looks like the best way I can for the rest of my life.

I know its hard, but please don’t ever give up on us.

I love you with all that I am.

Hi Lord :/

Well may pinagdadaanan ulit, mejo siguro malaki na issue baka nde.
Actually maybe, kasi mejo pinagiisipan ko to reconsider.

Or am I just running away again pag may mali?

But like is this really running away or choosing what I think is right.

Kasi yes, there is plenty of fishes in the sea, I can get any fish I want.
On top of that, I am okay being single forever too.

I can take care of myself.

I am not afraid of being alone forever.

But Jay is not like anything I have come across with.

Pati ung thought na yan Lord, yung thought na yan scares me.

This is like Daryl all over.


Yung the "and then he came..." guy.
Yung paniwala ulit saken na kaya ko ulit magmahal ng ganito.
Yung sabi ko na isang mahirap hanapin, someone rare.
Yung meron kami, mahirap hanapin, tas nahanap ko. Nasakin na.


Ewan, nde ko alam kung ganun din ba naiisip niya.

God, natatakot ulit ako, pero I want this to work so bad.
Pano pag eto ulit tayo. Pano pag nagpapakatanga nanaman ako.

God yung, bubuhos mo lahat, paglalaban mo, uulit ulitin mo na pipiliin tapos mawawala ulit.
God kahit ang saya saya ko sa kanya Lord.
God sa sobra ulit ng mga nararamdaman ko ulit, grabe ulit takot ko as in sobra.
Sobrang takot ko na parang mas mabuti na umalis na lang.

Pano pag makita ko nanaman ang araw na sasabihin saken na
"Sorry, narealize ko na ni minsan nde kita minahal."
or "Sorry Maiqui, I just woke up one day and I just don't love you anymore"


It's not like ung feelings ang main na problema...

Pero idk if I can be with someone na may bisyo.

Parang struggle ba talaga, parang nde siya humahanap ng paraan para tumigil, hinahanap niya ways para sabihin na tama ginagawa niya.

I feel like everything pwede namin maayos.

Pero maliban dun.



Actually pati yung, ewan feeling ko nde niya ko tanggap.

Akala ko tanggap niya ko, yung pagiging magulo ko pero nde pala.
Tas ako pa sinisisi na nagiba ko nung we were dating to now.


Do I even still feel safe around him?
idk..