Hi God

Yah, I know, I know...
I messed up and I know I expected this to happen...

I tried to put value in it
I am sorry God, I am so sorry.

I know that I can over analyze things and try to make things work and at the end of the day I am just continuously going to make a fool out of myself.

He seemed so closed

I am too but I am trying to take the risk
And I thought he was willing to take the risk with me too

I know...
What is more to expect from a very worldly relationship

God thank You for listening...



I’m sorry that I am hurting You.

I saw some good stuff in his heart too God
I wanted it to work
I thought he wanted the same too
He was making it work
I wanted it to work

But I know God that I am only hurting myself
I am aware of what I am doing

Its just before I go
Before we end
I wanted to put value in it
I wanted to make something good out of it

I don’t want to be just another body Lord
I know that I am different






It sucks.
I’m sorry God.








I still want to make it work.

Dear Lord,

I don’t know why but the pain feels great, I crave for the pain. It feels like I need it. It soothes me.

God.

I don’t know Lord.

God.

I don’t even know if I wanna say that I want help

I want to keep drowning, I want to keep sinking.

I am embracing all the consumption just like a dying lamb that was getting eaten alive and torn apart by the pack of wolves.

God I have given up and letting them devour me.

I want to say help, but I don’t.

The pain feels nice now.

I want them to consume me and devour every bone.

I don’t know, do I scream and call for help?

Every will in me is dying.

I am surrounded by you, I am surrounded by Your love. Yes I get it.

But God,Ithink I am giving uo.

Iamgetting tired.

Sorry I am not strong enough. 

I am not wise enough.

I don’t stand firm.

I gave up in the race.

I might be giving up the race.

I feel like dying God.

I know that there is more tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be better, I’ll be there.

Its just I don’t know if I wanna push through.

I can swim yah.

I am a good swimmer.

But I am letting myself drown.

Help is on its way and idk I wanna avoid it and I wanna pushi it away. I don’t want it.

I want to die.

Alex Karev 2.0

Yah, I shouldn’t even date. Here I am again.

Ruining a good relationship.

Yah.

Bravo Qui.

You have ruined yourself again and another person.

BRAVO.

Sometimes I just wanna evaporate and die

Hi God.

I don’t know what to say.

One month in and I feel like I ruined everything. I should stop soon... this is not what you want me to do.

I am sorry, I have given up.

I gave up.

Its an excuse I know.

I am surrounded by people that loves me. They accept me for who I am. They love me... I am included...

So this is how living in fear looks like...

I am being Esau.

I am being Abraham deng. during those ratchet times he had.

Omg.

I am being Moses, during ratchet times.

Oh my LORD.

Esau, rid of his birthright 

Abraham divided the nations

Moses didn’t get to the promised land.

Deng I screwed up.

Okay bbwelo na ko crap.

Kelangan ko na bumwelo crap.

What have I done.

Sh**********************************sjhwjwjkasnnaialab

I know you do

I know that you cared
I know that sometimes you think of us
I know that there are times that you still miss me

I don’t want to be back but I guess after all these years I learned to deal with it
I learned that this is part of me
That every now and then I will miss you and remember everything

The blow is just harder for me because I don’t have what you have
Nothing came to me in a silver platter
Unlike you

Fight me on this I can 100% prove this right to you

Anyways lol

I’m still thankful that it all happened
I don’t want to change anything
I like where I am now
I wouldn’t trade it for anything

It’s just today, I miss you. again.
It’s been 5 years.
I am still here.

Just fyi, I am trying to explore TRUST
Its just, tbh I kept comparing it to what we had
How I felt with you, how everything was between us

It was so natural
It was so effortless
We just happened

You felt like home

It just works

I’m thankful that I knew how that felt, that I have a standard because of that

I never wanna get back
I am happy where I am at

It’s just today is one of those days
That I miss you

Dear Lord

If its not meant to ever happen please make a way out
Don’t make it painful lol please just show me a way out and I’ll take it

BUT LORD NOTE PLEASE
Don’t hurt me please lol

I am just asking for a door to open where I can walk out




I’ll be sad if I saw a door out lol but let the door not be another woman or whatever
Maybe a way out of CA where I can’t see him anymore so I can move on idk


I am sorry that I kept trying to see if it can work out
I am sorry God I just thought that we deserved more than what we had
Its like everything just came down to that
I honestly felt like there was more into our story
I felt like there could have been more that is good


I am tired of the games and I am not in it for games
I never wanna play games, lagi naman ako straight forward at minsan ako pa manliligaw
I’ve been through enough in life to waste it on a maybe
Malapit na kme naging isang taon na naghahabulan
Jusko if work out tong habol na toh ANG SEKSI KO NA SANA

I am walking out now
Just open the door and I will take it














Good luck na lang sa exam nya sana huling beses na nya to itake.







Also, parang hanggang landi lang balak nun wala ng iba.
The way I hear it from people nagagandahan lang sya saken, yun lang.
Over all na ako, wala patapon at iflush na sa lang sa toilet.
Kaya tama na siguro Lord.







Please offer a way out God, I am going to move on na...

You know what I miss?

I miss those days where I can just do anything I want for you ng walang malisya
I miss those days that I can say how much I looooove you (platonic) lol ng walang malisya

Sometimes I regret telling that I am interested in you

I regret that everyone knows na that I had a thing for you

I miss those days na ako lang nakakaalam
Ako lang nakakaramdam

Safe na safe

Sana wala na lang ako nasabi

I miss those days na nakakausap kita and say whatever ng  walang malisya
I miss those days that I can hug you and hold you ng walang malisya

Sana wala na lang ako sinabi
Sana wala na lang ako ginawa
Sana nanahimik na lang ako
Sana wala akong inamin

If ganun, sana pwede pa kita ipagluto LOL ng walang magjjudge
Pwede kita ithrow ng party ng walang malisya
Pwede kita yakapin ng matagal ng walang keme keme parang nuon

I miss those days na ako lang nakakaalam

Brother

I mean, I want you too much to the point that you could be an idol for me

God will tell us anyways if we are supposed to be
God will tell us when and will make way

I know that I kept saying this lol but man I have to legitimately let you go

Man.

I have to do this.

HOLY SPIRIT BE HELLA TELLIN ME AND I DONT WANNA LISTEN IF I WILL BE COMPLETELY HONEST

I don’t wanna let you go and I still believe that we deserve a better story than that

One month lang tas un na

I mean like the message today omg napaisip ako sobra lol

They only dated for 2 months tapos separated sila and whatever for 5 FREAKIN YEARS
tas GOD HIMSELF brought them together. There is no way, tas God made a way.

I mean

If J and I will end up together

At the right time, at the right moment
God will make a way

I don't have to





I need to build the kingdom and focus on what I am supposed to do for God




I have to really see you as a brother in Christ and that's it.
I think I am almost there


I am not hoping anymore


It's been a year. Well it will be a year soon.
SOON.

So, I am moving on.






It's good that I am moving on now bago pa ma-inlove all sayo ng sobra sobra lol

Kuya.

I am not an option

There is nothing special about you

I am to be pursued

I am not an option, the search ends when I come along

I am not around anymore, I am sorry.

You can think about it, but I am not here anymore.

I’ve been through enough in life to waste it on you.

Goodbye.

June

I remember that I gave myself a deadline
After graduation, I'll stop hoping and start letting go 100% if he didn't do anything

Maybe it was all in my head

I don't know

We are not even talking or whatever

One last extension maybe...

THE LAST DAY OF JUNE.

If nothing happens till then
If it's all still a blur till then

I am not playing any games anymore
I am leaving

I don't want to waste my time anymore

I am tired of looking like an idiot

One last push and I am walking away forever
















Idk I don't want it to end, I just feel like I need an ultimatum


I still believe that we deserved a better story than that



Idk man.





I'll fight for you if you stay
I'll choose you over and over and fight for you




If you let me






I hope you let me.

Am I being delusional?

Maybe I should trust what she's saying, I mean for sure he is not talking to her about it.

Should I even trust her?

It could have been that she say things unknowingly that it sounds horrible

She doesn't know how we are now

I tell her nothing but me trying to hold back and that's it

She speaks as if he doesn't care and that he is not around anymore

I am in it

I am experiencing it

Or was it all in my head.

I know that he knows that I am still here

I know that 100% and he is still here

Or was he just stringing me along to boost his self esteem

But he is not like that and I am the one that's in it. Whatever happens, I know what I am getting into and I hate people telling me how I should feel.

I see it in him

The way he looks at me

The way he talks to me

She just doesn't understand.

Or I don't understand.

Either way

I don't tell her anything

I know he doesn't either

She knows little about the new things thats happening

I'll enjoy what we have right now and I have no intention of moving forward with it, but I know that I am getting to know him and things are getting back to where we were

If it works out it works out

If it doesn't then it's gonna be redirected to the right one

Maybe I’ll guard my heart until you are sure

yah of course till God says so but I won’t even pray about it not unless you are certain.
I can feel that you are still here, its just idk...

I mean, I am still here too obviously its just I am not 100% in it too lol
I need to figure out what I wanted as well

Well 95% I am still here. That’s a huge percentage

After so many years you’re the only one that I am willing to take a risk for again
I’ve been hurt too many times but for you I am not afraid to try again

You made me hear the good in love songs again after being so scared for too long

THERE ARE THINGS THO THAT ANNOYS ME LOL

-like you like to go “(insert reputable jesus loving persons name here) says this”
Idk, I mean it coo they are your guide its just idk Holy Spirit and Jesus is the main guide tho
It don’t matter who interpreted it and what not
-exclusivity is a big thing for you

Here I am hating exclusivity all my life and here you are!

But whateva
Like I said I am still willing ahhhahahhhhah still willing to dive into it, fight for it, brave through it

But anyways,
I guess I’ll enjoy my friendship with you ng walang malixa.
I will just guard my heart until I am sure too 100% and if you are sure 100%
I’ve been though enough.
I don’t want to waste my time anymore

I still stand by what I said last year

If I would date you, I want you to be the one
If not, I’d rather just let it fade




I still hope its you tho but idk we’ll see

Honestly Speaking

If I would be very honest and transparent to myself.

I would say that I am still hoping and I still want to try. I am still wondering what could have been or if it could have been. I am still wondering if you are around.

Maybe its just all in my head but I think that you are still there, nde ka lang sigurado or walang plano na umabante. Pero you are still there.

I mean, I am still here too...

And I am in the same boat. Nde din ako sigurado and walang plano umabante pero conflicted.

Pag nakikita kita, you still make me melt LOL

Your smile (haaaaaaaaaaay)

I mean there are days that I wanna murder you kasi para kang tanga. Nde ako kakausapin parang inis na inis ka sakin, ISA AKONG NAKAKAINIS NA ORGANISM.

Tas mai mga moments na parang anjan ka pa, nagpapahiwatig.

Pero like I said, maybe its all in my head.

And if anything, ayaw ko xa maxado isipin. Andami ko pa gagawin shoes ko Lord.

I mean if it happens it happens if it doesn’t it doesn’t.

I am just saying, I’m still here and deep inside I am still hoping for the what might have been.

Well.

I want it to die.

I must let it die.

It will die.

I’ve been though enough.

I don’t want to waste my time anymore to someone that is not sure of me.

This is not the focus of my life right now.

YOU HAVE NO EFFECT ON MY HEART BOI BAI

its over.

Its been over.

It ended too soon

But the point is, it ended.

You are my forever KUYA.

More or less 480 days

In my 27 years of existence. I have seen my dad probably 480 days maybe 600 days.
I met him when I was 16 and have seen him once a year before that then lived with him for a year then saw him rarely after that so, in my 27 years of existence which gave me 9,855 days in life.

Out of that 9,855 days I saw him for about 600x tops.
Just 600 days. That’s 2 years worth.




















that’s 6% of my life.












nice

I wonder if he ever miss me

I wonder if he still thinks he has a daughter

Do I still exist in his world?

I bet if anything crappy happens to him they will ALL turn it all on me. Since everything is always my fault and he is never the victim because he is SUCH a “great” guy.

They will FOR SURE say

“Ikaw anak, ikaw lumapit”

“Ikaw lumayo, nasasayo yan”

“Ganyan napapala ng mga suwail”

F you all.

I did my best.

I tried very hard.

I tried SO HARD.

I tried to set up some meetings with him.

I tried to get dinners

I ALWAYS do my best to give him gifts even if he returns them or throw them away most of the time

I tried to talk to him tell him what I think

BUT THERE GOES HIS BITTERNESS POURING DOWN ON ME

Ikaw na niloko ni mama

Ikaw na mai anak na disappointment

News flash I excelled in EVERYTHING when you didn’t exist in my life and everything went downhill when you butt in and try to boost your ego with your attempts to lord over me with you insecurities.

I know why you like to call me a failure 

Because you can’t accept that I am doing way better than you even if I grew up alone and without you and with Mama’s screw ups.

I was so proud to be a daddys girl

You know what stay invisible.

Bye pops.

Maybe you will exist someday

I bet you are SO PROUD of your incredible life decisions

I bet you are so full of dignity and everything just kept taking advantage your golden heart

What a perfect life you are living with your current wife without your rebellious daughter.

SUCH PEACE YOU HAVE

I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU

Y

I guess I am still looking for what we had

I was looking for something that would replicate it, if not would exceed it.

I was looking for the same magic
I was looking for the same sense of home and safety
I was looking for the same feeling that makes me feel like I found something so rare

4 years.

I’m still at it.
I’m still here.

Still hoping to be okay
Still waiting for the day that no memory would ever affect me negatively




What if there is really just that one
What if you can never really love that much again

What if thats it
I had it and now its gone...








Well, I thought the same with Vin until Yell came...







This is stupid I am getting too old for this.











I’m tired of feeling crappy about this from time to time STILL.
Every now and then I just get a SWOOOOOSH of these







I don’t want this to haunt me anymore
I don’t want anything from my past to ever haunt me anymore


From Lola & Auntie
From the bullies at school
From my dad
From my maid
From VIN
From freakin YELL


Stupid Yell.



AND EVERY DARK AREA!





BUT ESPECIALLY YELL
THIS IS SO DUMB







4 freakin years of trying to be okay
I even wanna be single that didn’t work
I forced myself to date that didn’t work








I just want this to end








I just want to be okay whenever a memory resurface




I don’t want to carry this to my next relationship
If I would even get a next one -_____-











The one I really wanted dipped










My stuff freaked him out fa sho




Well! There goes a good guy passin me by cuz I was the way I am













kill me now #foreverdogmom

Costs

Let us just list the costs of this if ever it happened

1. He is selfish
2. He is hella bunso
3. Tbh he sees the flaws of everyone and it takes time to see that he have so much craaaap too
4. He complains a lot (I mean thats okay, if he needs to vent then let it be, at the end of the day he wants to do what is right)
5. HE A KID

I mean before in MMM I thought of this haha and I decided na wag na lang lol kasi bunsong bunso xa and we are so parallel. I see myself in him and ang hirap magprosseso kasama nia kasi PAREHO KAME HAHA. Mga iyak nia pareho ng iyak ko. Mga reklamo nia pareho ng reklamo ko. Kelangan ko ng tao na mapapaisip ako ng nde ko pa naiisip haha

Uo nga ano, buti na lang nde kme natuloy lol

Pareho kme ng sides ng magnet lol naisip ko na to nuon kaya ako napunta kay Brian lol kasi si Brian at least nde kme parallel.

Jayro parallel na parallel. Lol

Aight! Good thing I did this haha lagi ko na lang isipin na parallel kme at maiinis lang ako magisip kasama nya haha

Is it over or is it still just a pause?

I don’t know, if I would be really honest well... you already know. I want to start over again and try again...

Well, I guess I wasn’t really “magic” to him

And I know that he is not thinking of me at all

I know that he probably have thought of all of the possible reasons and concluded how we are not going to work out and how I am not who he wants and how much he doesn’t know how to handle me and my crap and my crazy self and all

I mean I still want to try...

Lets see...

Why do I want him? Lol

(Here we go childish lalaland thoughts lol, whatever)

1. After a long time of being scared, I felt brave when he came around
2. I thought a lot of things in me died and when he came, most of the things that are good that I thought died came back to life.
3. After Yell I never wanted to risk again, I wanted to be sure. But when he came, I am willing to risk it all again. I am not afraid to get hurt again.
4. Aaaaand all the obvious things, like he cute and handsome and smart and Jesus loving and people loving and determined and ambitious and committed to people and funny and caring and whatevaaaa

Why do I want him back?

Actually hm lol thinking about it, I do want him back because I want to feel everything he made me feel and the security and whatever lol but hahaha I want my alone time right now I’ve been wanting this. So so wanted this, I just think that he is gone now and that makes me sad...

I rememeber even with Yell, I felt so stuck since I felt that I have to marry him now and I will never be single again! Then when I was with B, I thought that it sucks lol cuz I don’t even wanna be in a relationship BUT HERE I AM. And I guess THIS IS “what God wants” therefore I will just pretend that I am single in my mind since this is frustrating me.

Then now I am finally single!

It may or may not be Jay, but who carezzzzz (I care but lol whatever)

I know God have something great in store for him and I. It may be each other, it may be someone else but either way it will be great.

I needed this time and I longed for this.

So yah! Open ended it is with no period.

Jesus take tha wheeeeel