I'll give him few more months.

If I'm still not back on track and if HE is not back on track by the first few months of this year,
then I have to end it.

And end 2013 without him and be reunited with God
and let God lead me to that man that loves HIM more than he loves me.

The man who would rather leave me crying and break me,
than risk our relationships with Christ.

I want a man that whenever I am around him I feel like I am with Him too,
not feeling all guilty and making me wanna choose between God or him.

I don't want a man that is working on his faith still, I want a man that is READY.

I want a man who is not going to call me a NUN or say that my life has no direction anymore because all I do is for the church. I don't want to balance my life and I want to give it ALL to Him and let HIM balance MY LIFE.

I don't want to be a man that makes me happy,
I want a man that just simply leads me towards my one true Love.

I'll give this man that I am with few more chances,
If there is still NO CHANGE by Winter Retreat, I'll start thinking on how to end it...
and pray REALLY HARD and never comeback and be with Jesus ALONE.

If he can't go then, it's a sign then... that there is no point.
If a man can't grow closer to Jesus with me, then we can never be together.

I miss You.

Hi God,

I think of where I am right now and I remember what You told me before it all happened.
I know... I should have trusted You, I should have OBEYED.

²⁰ For I am afraid that when I come I may not find you as I want you to be, and you may not find me as you want me to be. I fear that there may be discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, slander, gossip, arrogance and disorder. ²¹ I am afraid that when I come again my God will humble me before you, and I will be grieved over many who have sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual sin and debauchery in which they have indulged 

- 2 Corinthians 12:20-21

Your exact words, and it all came true...

discord
jealousy
fits of rage
selfish ambition
slander
gossip
arrogance
disorder
impurity
sexual sin
debauchery

and yes, in all I have indulged and drowned myself in ALL of these, when I am supposed to be drowned in Your presence.

I can't find You where I want You to be and I'm pretty sure this is not how You planned me to be right now. Yes, I still know what to do, I hear a little bit of You still... but not as loud...

I totally broke ALL of my lovely promises for You.

Sacrifice thank offerings to God,    fulfill your vows to the Most High,¹⁵  and call on me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you, and you will honor me. 

-Psalm 50:14-15

"..and call on Me in the day of trouble and I will deliver you and you will honor Me."

These two verses are what kept on going over and over in my head in this season.

Psalm 50:15, gives me hope that I can still run to You and fulfill my promises to You and fulfill yours in my life. My life is full of road blocks now... which of course I built around me, 'cuz I thought my ways are kinda right and maybe God is saying something else than what He is clearly telling me...

I love You God and I REALLY miss You.

I'm so far from You, it's hurting me.

I'm ready to face the consequences, I know You will be there to hold me anyways. God please take over Yell and I's relationship. Break us up again if You think thats what is best for us. For ALL of us. You, me and him.

I don't want to live another year without You God. I hope all of these would end next year, nothing more, nothing less. That's all I want. I don't want anything else for 2013, I just want YOU to take over my life again. Please God, never let me go...

I just want to be an artist that makes A LOT of money.

That's all I want in life.
I hate my major, period. I just want to be an art major to be honest.

Is there still hope for me?

Can I still be with Jesus in heaven?
I really feel that He is coming soon.

I don't know when but soon.
He said in His word that we would feel His coming but we would never know the exact time, it would just get us by surprise.

I was ready, I was even VERY excited to be with Jesus and READY to serve Him with my ALL.
But now, I am even afraid for that day to come.

I know all I have to do is to let go, but I can't even do that now. I know I can, but now...

I'm just numb, hardened, and lost.

I feel that the world got me back again and it got me really bad.
It brought me back and I embraced it.

I want to go back but I just kept on going back to the same old pit.

Can my desire to be with Jesus be just enough to be with Him?

I know it's not, I know how it all works.
It's like, I'll tell this boy that I love that I wanna be with Him but I still have these selfish desires I wanted to feed. Maybe when everything is easy to choose, I'll choose You.

My heart is not the same anymore.

I miss God too, I miss Him SO MUCH.
I miss my best friend.
I miss my everything.
I miss my perfect love.

I want to be with Jesus forever but hardened hearts and trapped souls don't belong where He's at.

Is it really God telling me to let Daryl go, or it's just my compulsive decisions and instincts.

I don't see what's wrong with Daryl. It's like, everything I prayed for is him.

I am very happy with Him, but I'm not gunna lie... my relationship with Jesus got bad when Daryl and I  got back together. My fire slowly died, ministries slowly disappeared, my godly friends disappeared.
I slowly got more and more worldly. My desire to please God slowly disappear and my desire to succeed for myself and please my worldly desires grew stronger and stronger.

True that I wanted to dream again and have my fighter spirit back and my drive to reach my impossible dreams, but to dream and know that I'm not walking hand in hand with God everyday is REALLY hurting me everyday. I want to fight with Jesus, I want to dream with Jesus, I want to succeed with Jesus, I want to live with my impossible dreams and fight for it all with Jesus.

I want to be with Yell too, 'cuz being with Yell is slowly living the life I wanted to live.
He is EVERYTHING I needed and prayed for my entire life. I can't let him go, not unless God took him away from me. I surrendered Yell before already, and God took him away. I prayed that God should only bring him back if I am ready. I don't know if I was ready when he came back. Maybe God got a plan, but even if everything is perfect between me and Yell. I never feel VERY complete 'cuz I feel that God is not COMPLETELY with me.

I want to be in this relationship feeling excited to be with Jesus and have a fire that burns more and more each day for Jesus. Not lukewarm... or even very dry...

In every season, You are STILL God.

I know it's weird to talk about God right after sex.

But, I just want to feed the part of me that wanted to stop and fall in love with Jesus again.
I don't know... how to pursue this...

I don't know how can I do this, but I know... God sees a repentant heart...
I'm just scared that maybe my heart is not repentant enough since there's always a part of me that doesn't want to stop.

But you know what, the more I write this, the more I just don't want to continue doing it anymore.

I know I still have A LOT of things to do to get back at it...

But, I'll try some new come back strategy this time.

I'll take it all slow.

I will start with doing my best not to look at Yell lustfully anymore, nor seduce him.
I will do my best to take out sexual immorality.
It just completely taken over us.

And, me...
My heart.

It's not a heart of a P31 no more.

I started to look at another man without feeling guilty.
I hated it. It's not right...

But that made me realize that...
maybe because I just left my One true Love so that a regular man can have me completely...

My heart started to be filled with worldy things.

Also, I realized that when I looked at my old photos.
Even if I am living the way I wanted, nothing can really beat the life walking hand in hand with Jesus.

Oh my gosh, JESUS.

I haven't said that AMAZING name for such a LONG TIME.
JESUS.

GOD I'M SO SORRY.

HELP ME NOT TO RUN AWAY ANYMORE.
HELP US.

HELP ME AND YELL GOD PLEASE.

I have sinned against You God, like CRAZY.
But, can I still come back in Your arms?

I'm so sorry God, I can't promise You that I'm NEVER EVER doing it again, but I will do my best to make that possible.

I still long to serve You God with ALL MY HEART.
I still long to serve and love YOU with EVERY SINGLE THING I HAVE.

Please God.

I know You're moving.

And God... if You have to break us, go ahead.

Do whatever it takes.

I can't promise that I wont whine when I get hurt but I will let it be if that's what needs to be done to restore the fire in Yell and I's hearts.

YOU AND I AGAIN.
FOREVER.

God, please don't let us go....
:'(

Was it because I become too dependent on God?

I gave everything up to Him.
My dreams, my life, my everything.

I lost it all and told myself that God is enough.

God you promised...
I'm 20, when?

My impossible dreams.
You said you make the impossible, possible.

I used to say that only I can do that, I trusted in You.

God, You said You would be there... I know You see me everyday dying to live with my impossible dreams.

I don't know anymore God.

Old Myspace & Music Page

So, I just saw my myspace again after a really long time.

Seeing what I am writing, seeing how MUCH of a FIGHTER I am.

I remember typing all of those things about NEVER giving up.

Then, seeing myself now...

I gave up in life.

I gave up on my WILDEST dreams...

I WAS so determined.

I'm such a fighter. I gave my all....

I don't know what made me stop and lose all of my strength.

You know what, I'm going to start fighting again.

I am going to fight again.

I will fight for my dreams. AGAIN.

I will do WHATEVER IT TAKES, AGAIN.

Just like before.

"I'm MaiQui

I'm an aspiring Singer & Designer.

I think I'm done disappointing myself
& it's time for me & the world to be amazed.
I promise myself that I'm going to practice till I get better and reach my dreams :) "

I wanted to reach my dreams too.

Ever since we met, I always see my dreams being chased by you. I've always been inspired that if you can then I can too.

I never thought anyone from my crowd can every achive their dreams, but when you came in to my life, I saw how much I REALLY can live with my impossible dreams.

I want to be fearless again, and take every chances.

I'm tired of being your fan and being in the crowd.

I've always wanted to be on stage and work hard for my dreams.

I just don't know how...
I mean, I know. I've always known. I know that I can.


I used to have all the help and motivation, I was almost there.
But not like you. You have everything you need right in front of you. Of course every single person have a lot of discouraging people around them.

But you always find yourself people helping you sooner than you think. You don't give up because you have a family that doesn't give up on you. They may not belive in you in the beginning but in the end they would no matter what.

Me, even if I worked my butt of no one will ever help me. All I will get is more and more and more discouraging events.

My family's comments, no place to sing, no enough equipment, NO CAR to use to go to places and perform. NOTHING.
I have no resources that can help me reach my goals.

IF ONLY I'M BACK IN THE PHILIPPINES.

Just let me go.

I know, it may sound stupid and unrealistic.

But I just really wish you have faith in everything that I do, and just let me live the way I wanted...

I don't want to marry you someday regretting every single chances that I didn't take.

If I fail, at least I could tell myself that I tried.

I miss the old me.

Just let me go.

PLEASE.

Let me chase after my dreams...

I miss Jesus.

I miss having Him in my life.
I miss having intimacy with Him.

I can't run away, I want to run away... but I can't.
Not because I feel guilty leaving or staying is the right thing to do.

It's just, Jesus became a huge part of me and He really is the Man I totally fell in love with.

God, I can't find my way back anymore....

I want to go back, I want to live how it used to be between You and I and more.

but God, I kept on failing You.
I constantly want to go back to who I used to be and feel free in a way that I am doing whatever I want without anyone telling me what to do. Not feeling judged, not feeling guilty, or feeling that I am doing something to please someone or anyone.

I know, it's bad. smite me nowww... I know....

But God, I just miss You. A LOT.

I'm just scared. I don't know... I've fallen. Everyone's judging me now.

I still love You and I still want to know You and do all those things for You.

But God, I'm confused.

I know, I promised You that I will only listen to Your one and only still voice.

There's so many voices God, SO MANY.

I'm sorry if I am hearing their voices and my voice! more than Your voice...
I want to be free from the chains that I put myself in God.

I want to walk hand in hand with You again and tell You everything and live as if I am married to You.

I am with someone else now...

I love him too God, A LOT and I know You know how much God.
But, I can't have you both...

God, why do you have to bring him back like this if he's not going to be the one.
It's so perfect, the only thing that is missing is You...

I want You here too God...
but the closer I am to him, the farther I am to You... :'(

and it hurts me so much how I always feel that I have to choose between you guys.

Isn't Your best guy going to make my relationship with You crazier than ever?
:"( God...

I prayed for Daryl SO MUCH God, WAY TOO MUCH.
I even asked You that if he's not the one just take him away from me and take every single feeling I have for him. I'm fine with every decision that You will make, if we're not meant to be just let every feeling fade but You brought him back...

not only that, you brought him back with all the love in the air for both of us.

I'm confused, I'm lost and I just want You back God.

Help me.

Hindi kita kailangan,

Kalimutan na kung kalimutan.
Kanya kanya na kung kanya kanya.
Konti na lang, pwedeng pwede na tayo magkalimutan na ng tuluyan.

Ni minsan naman nde kita nakita na kasama ko eh.
Nde ka din kawalan.

Jan ka na sa kabayo mo.

MY BABY POT HAVE A LOVE LIFE!! AHHHH!!

My Baby Pot's Favorite Song<3

So today Pot just shared a buncha things to me, and I have to study so I have to share abuncha things to you blogger when I'm done studying PEACE. HAHAHA

Artistic Realization

Before I blog anything I just want to say how much the Lord moved in my life for the past couple of months....

For the longest time, I've been whining about life and completely doubting everything.
If I would ever be employed, every have my dreams come true, live by myself asap, have Daryl back!

Oh my gosh....... it's just I want to say how REAL God is... nad how He really answers prayers...
and He never ever EVER fails...

Everything is coming to life...... but one thing I need..... I need my intimacy with Him back... and I really need help... :'( 'cuz I miss the love of my life... </3

ANYWAYS! HAHAHA My realization!! HAHHAHHAH

From this day forward, I have learned that the secret to everything as a servant for Christ is that I have to strive for excellence for HIM.

And also, without God... I don't think I can imagine anything artistic..... He just did it all His magic on meeeeee and because of that I know He have a great plan for me... something great that I have to do for His kingdom.........

and I've learned that..... I really shouldn't copy or try to be any artist because the more I reveal who I am on my pieces.... the more it gets better :)

So Praise God for everything and new motto in life:

AIM FOR EXCELLENCE FOR HIM.

DARYL AND MAIQUI SUMMER PLANS :)

well, it's just me, imma tell him this later hahaha

1. Go to the beach

• take sexy beach pictures
• play with the water and sand

    2. Camp

• Make a bonfire and eat smores!

    3. Star Gaze

    4. Watch Movies

• My Sassy Girl
• D.A.R.Y.L.

    5. Hike at Topanga Canyon, do devotionals and look at the view at night in his kotche after<3

    6. Take Zumba together

    7. Hang with YA, TOGETHER.

    8. Go on a Picknik

    9. Make videos together
                ya know, not like singing video ALTHOUGH that would be cool too!! but ya know, random videos of our daily lives so we can make a video later that has all of our memories together<33

  

See, I'm not asking for too much :) we shall make all these heffennnnnn!!

I've been posting a lot about Daryl now... and not God...

I wonder how He feels.... I'm so sorry God.... I go back and forth on you...
I'm tired of doing this to You and I know you feel worse than I...

But God...... I sure do miss You.
I really really really do.

God, I'm in this struggle God...

I know You're still working on me... but God... I'm hurting You in this process...
but I want to be with You.... I REALLY REALLY REALLY DO.

I love You God.
I really do... I know.... it's not as much.... as You love me... and my actions doesn't really show how much I love You... but I really do miss being Your girl...

This intimacy we have...

I miss it too God.
I REALLY DO.

I'm learning how I really do can't boast how much I love You, and how all I can boast about is how You love a failure like me......................................

I am seeing how MUCH I don't deserve YOU....
How MUCH unworthy I am for Your calling and for EVERY SINGLE THING YOU BLESS ME WITH.

I ask myself everyday WHY and HOW CAN YOU?!

I want to fall in love with You again God...
more than before......

I want to fall in love with You more than how I fell in love with You when I first saw who You really are and I can't see anything but YOU.

Help me God, wait for You and TRUST in You.
Help me God walk with You ALL OF MY DAYS.
Help me God to know You're God and let You be God.

I need help to show You... what You deserve....

I am so sorry God.

I am so sorry.

INSPIRED! :)

Every single moment I just want to crey lol :/

I want to tell him every single detail and how frustrated I am about today that I missed the bus this morning TWICE. the first one and the second one and how stressed I am because of all the midterms that coming up and that I feel so fat...

I want to tell him how I almost missed my bus again after I got out of school and miss work

I just want to call him so bad after tito called me when I was in the library and found out that Yell couldn't sleep.... 

I am doing my VERY VERY BEST not to let each tear fall.

I look around while I am working, hoping that he would show up and order a bunch of fat stuff... lol
or maybe sit by the window and watch me work...

whenever work would be a little slow, I would think of those times when he was in line ordering and say "Mahal naman, mahal na mahal kita" lol and watch me while he waits for his order and I would kind of see him smile while I mess up lol.......

I'm so cool about me going home alone without him...
but when I was looking for rides, there was no more bus available and Alexa's feeling lazy and Tita Fe's busy............ I just want to call him, and use that as an excuse to see him...... but I don't want him to feel like I am using him for rides..........................................................

I'm a mess.

Then, I look at the syllabus and saw how spring break is coming up...
I have so many plans! and there's SO MUCH time to be with him.......

It's fine, I can just clean and draw the entire week LOL...................................

I wish I could be there telling him it would be okay...
I wish I could be there encouraging him while he's stressin' with his exams.

I want to call and tell him if can he pray for us?
If God would give us an okay you can date now.
and ask him to ask for my leaders blessings?

He would pray but I don't think he would ask my leaders.

I'm asking for too much already and I already hurt Yell.... a lot, a lot, a lot........................................

God, can't we just grow together?
Please T____________________T

:'(

Ever second I miss you...
how am I going to live my life now without you T___________T

I'll just continue to pray for you.

Just like how it was before.
Because that is all I can do.

I will never stop.
Just like before.

The Lord can handle you better than I do.

I will forever pray for till we are ready.

I love you Yell...................

I really wish I could come to you right now...

and just hug you and tell you how much I want to stay.
I just want to hold your hand and let everything work between us...

I just want to tell you over and over how much I love you and how that would never ever change.
I still want to live forever with you....

and I'm really scared to know that I really did hurt you A LOT that you will never want me back and just forget everything.....hurting you is the last this I ever wanna do to you.......

You're the best man I ever had in my entire life and I never ever thought I could ever meet a man like you.....
I feel so foolish for letting go a perfect man like you.......

You're more than I could ever ask for.....

I really wish I could just live happily with you without feeling any heaviness in my heart.....

My first day without you is not even halfway done, and I am already dying....

I will forever pray for you Yell... I will never stop.

I pray that God would really move in your life in this season of waiting...
There's more space for Him now in your life now that I am gone.....................................................

I don't want to hope...
but my heart is forever yours...

and no matter what happens...
I know I will always hope that someday I would wake up seeing your face every morning.
I'll miss you :(

FACEBOOK: Favorite Quotations

I'm deleting that section, so... I'll just put few stuff there, but I still want to see the quotations that inspired me, so, I'll postededs them hurr


"Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: FORGETTING WHAT IS BEHIND AND STRAINING TOWARD WHAT IS AHEAD, I PRESS on TOWARDS the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus♥" (Philippians 3:13-14)

"I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

"NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER SURRENDER!! SPARTAHHHHH!!!!" - 300

"By perseverance the snail reached the ark" - Charles Spurgeon

"If God can forgive, why can't I?"

"Pag wala kang bilib sa sarili mo, sino pa mapapabilib mo?"

"With God, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE!" (Matthew 19:26)

Things I wanna do with Yell before I die

Since, I just wrote my own bucket list.
I just want to write own the things I wanna do with Yell before I die hehe

Go to a Hillsong Concert together

Have a Disneyland date<3

Take a picture by the Disneyland Castle

Watch the World of Colors together!

Have a beach picture

Take walks around the beach

Go to Hawaii

Have a piknik

Have God's confirmation and approval for both of us.
-I always wanted to hear a straightforward verse for Yell and I. I think I did, but I want to have that day that both of us are going to get the same verse or whatever that God would say that "This is the love story that I've been preparing for both of you to experience in this world. This is the relationship that would honor me and would show my glory to other people."

Go to a Museum
-Completed: Tim Burton!! YEEE

Have a show together
-As solo artists and as a duet couple heh

Have a Beach or Garden Wedding
-Oh diba, I'm going to marriage na agad! Haha!

Write a love song

Write a song for Jesus
-I think Yell and I already did, but I'm not sure if it's finished. I want us to actually finish writing a song for Him and record it. Not just any other song, but a STRONG LOVE FOR GOD kind of song.


Make a ScrapBook<3
-Where we can put our pictures together and our lives over the years and we're going to show it to our children in the future :)<3

Paint something together
-You know, like a picture, a wall or MY STORE :D<3
Our bizznizzzzzzezzz<333



Build something together
-Ya know, like a tree house or something or a bird house lol
- to build something that would last :)

Introduce him to my Lola PERSONALLY before she die


Introduce him to my family in the Philippines PERSONALLY before we get married
-'Cuz I don't want my relatives to know who he is on the day of my wedding. I want them to know him long before we get married. I want them to hang out and get along. I want Yell to come with us in our family outings and go to our family gatherings in the Philippines :)

Make him a cute breakfast<3
-Shame how Yell did this to me first and I am the woman lol,
-Next time, I want to make Yell breakfast and give it to him, as soon as he gets up in the morning and it would be fancier :)<3

Do a devotional hike
-Ya know, where we hike in a high place to spend time with God together :P


A day were we would switch
-I would be Yell and he would be MaiQui lol I always wondered how it would feel to see myself in other persons body and living in someone elses. I want to do that with Yell lol

Make our dreams come true :)<3

MaiQuiQui's Bucket List

*I was just looking at Sheena Sy's stuff and planning my life away AGAIN lol I was writing my plans in my life again it my little journal and I thought, why not put my Bucket list here:P



Be called as a REAL singer
- You know, it's okay if I'm not famous, I just want to have shows here and there and sing<3


Be a worship leader and a teacher
-When I was figuring out what I can do for Christ, since in HS I love being infront of the class and teach them with the stuff that I researched and do reports and everything why can't I do that to give greater information for other people.
-Also, I wanted to be used as a way for other people to experience God for who He is. The first time that I actually worship was AMAZING. Music makes a HUGE impact and I wanted to be used in that amazing experience. 


Give my momma and siblings the life they deserve 


Take Mama, Pot and Jed to Disneyland, California Adventures and Sea World
- I so wanted to let them see the World of Colors!! The first time I saw it, I cried because it was so beautiful and Pot can't get to see it. Before I die, I want them to see and experience the happiest place on earth!!
-Sea World! 'cuz I remember Pot always wanted to see a Tiger Shark, Whale Shark (I'm not sure if it's there hahahah just in case) and SHAMUMU!!!!! When he was a little boy. The first time I visited Sea World, I know Pot would love the place. I want to feel that he can have still live his amazing childhood no matter what age he is. I just want him to see him happy again.


Take Mama, Pot, Jed and Nikki to a Hillsong Concert
- All of us to worship and experience God together in that in that kind of level. OHMYGYASHHH



Open my own store
- I really REALLY want to open a store and sell merchandise with my art
- Since I was a little kid, I've always been making money by illustrating for my teachers or others. I just want it to be really official now and actually make money out of it and make a name out of it and be known all over the world!!! HAHA


Paint a Mural
- Since I was a little girl, I love love loveeee!!! seeing those murals posted on College and High School walls or streets while I am going to school. Sometimes, I would rather just walk everyday to see all of the murals and observe them everyday. Those murals inspired me so much! Their styles, the colors, everything! When I was in elementary, I told myself that I can't wait to go to High School and paint a mural, but then my HS have nothing, I got to design all of their bulletin and rooms and other stuff tho! hahaha but no mural... and HS in Cali, ain't like that too... so is college... lol SOMEDAY!! 

Learn how to play the Piano and sing with it!

Learn how to make AMAZING PHOTOGRAPHY and VIDEOS
-  So when I have capture every moment's beauty.


Spend a vacay at Boracay
- As a woman that is born, raised and errthang in Philippines, I have NEVER EVER been to Bora. It's my disneyland and I ALWAYS wanted to go.


Learn how to cook
- I can't cook to save my life!

Sponsor someone's Mission Trip ticket
- Ya know, not just to pay for them, but pay for someone who wants to go but can't go 'cuz of money. Mission Trips are so expensive and I pray that I can help for others to go and serve God wherever they want.



Sponsor someone's Retreat
- 'Cuz change happens in these events



Donate money in a foundation


Go to a Mission Trip

Share my testimony

Go hunting

See the northern lights
- I SO WANT TO SEEE!!!!!
 
To have an exhibit of my art
- You know where they're all posted in this place and there would be an event saying that it's my art and people would look around and some would buy heh

Ride a camel

Apply for Walt Disney Pictures, Cartoon Network and/or Nickelodeon.
- Just so I can tell myself that at least I tried :)
- It doesn't matter if I get accepted
- Though of course, it would really be a dream come true if I did!
 
Have a REALLY nice house.

- When I have my own house, I don't want it to look like a normal house. You know with normal white or brown paint and normal wooden furnitures and soft couches.
 -If I'm going to have a house, I wanted my house to have a sense of creativity whenever people see them.
I want colors, and vibrant detailed things. I would also wanted to have a pool and a jacuzzi! with waterfalls!! :D
-There would also be a penthouse where you can open the roof and stargaze at night until you fall asleep<3

Have my own beach house
- You know, I always wanted to wake up with the sound of the waves and sleep with the view of the stars.
But, not really everyday, I want to go to my beach house whenever I just want to stay there and relax and have my vacay.
   
Make and fly an ACTUAL kite
- I always wanted to fly a kite. When I was a kid, I always try to make my own kites using our trash bags and sit on our window and let the wind carry it. Sometimes, I put ribbons on them to make them fancy lol!

Sleep under the stars
 Completed: When Pot and I were little kids :)<3
  
Roast marshmallows in an open fire
 Completed: Ate Colleen's beach party! :D<333


Fly first class/ business class
- I always wondered how would it be like to fly while being in that side of the plane. lol
 
Illustrate a children's book.
- Mr. Xiong made it come true when I was in 10th grade :)
 
Design completely my own room

- I never really had a room for myself, but once I moved to my own room in the near future, I wanted to completely see the things I like and make it COMPLETELY MINE. :)


Wish on a shooting star
Completed: Rob's goodbye party at Malibu :)<3

Impossible Dreams.

Can I still live with you guys?
You guys are still within me...
But are you REALLY just meant to be dreams...

I used to always, ALWAYS tell myself that...

Someday, I will live with my impossible dreams.
Because, dreams are meant to be lived in reality.

I will be a very VERY great performer.
I will have shows left and right.
I will be a SUPER LEGIT ARTIST
I will have my own store and everyone will want a piece of my creations.
and I will give my mom and siblings the life they deserve and I will spoil them for the rest of my days!

I am so determined to get there...
I sing everyday, I draw everyday and that's all I do.

I have everything planned out.
I thought I have, but I am not going anywhere.

I thought my determination can take me ANYWHERE.
But, I got nowhere...


I told myself, I will get a job,
save money for Art School
buy a scanner and art tablet
Draw, draw, draw
Post them online
Look for a publishing place and print my stuff all over and sell them......

but I can't even get to step one.
Now, step two got pushed back cuz... now, I need to find a place for myself and get myself a car and a license first before I can start...

I thought I ALWAYS knew what I wanted to be.
I just want to be the greatest performer and artist ya know.

I want to go REALLY far as an artist.

Well, yeah I'm juggling between a Science or Math Major.
'cuz, I know that being an artist is not going to be enough to feed my family AND spoil my momma and siblings in the future. I need a foundation.

I stopped it all before 'cuz I said I wanted to be a Dentist, 'cuz aside from REALLY good money, I always wanted to be one since I was a kid. I'm just not as passionate about it compared to my music and arts.
I tried to focus on academics and give it all up... but seems like I'm not going anywhere...

I'm scared to tell Yell that I am struggling with these 'cuz...
I'm struggling with everything already.
I'm too ugly....... :/

You know, without the money issues, job opportunity issues, time issues...
I will go all the way to be a REALLY great artist and a performer.

I wouldn't want to be called Dra. MaiQui Layaoen
Would be legit for sure! HAHA

But I would be VERY VERY VERY HAPPY and feel VERY ACCOMPLISHED.


When then world know me as MaiQui Layaoen
The singer and artist.
'cuz I know that's what I am really made for...

I know it's not some childish dream or whatever... 'cuz I've been doing it eversince.
It's just I want to be practical....
The only problem is... I don't know...
how can I be practical without giving up this dream or living my dream as a sideline....

This is me now...
Hi, I am MaiQui and I am a dreamer with broken dreams...

Jk, I still want that dreamer MaiQui that is not afraid to go out of her way to make it all happen.
It's just I don't know anymore............................
Are my dreams REALLY enough? :(

For me you were never an option.

Today we had a YA reunion at Kuya Marks house and talked about godly relationships.
I was asked about Daryl and of course I said that we are just friends and that's how the conversation started... or preaching hahah since we have 2 pastors in the house to tell us wassap heh :)

They said that a boy and a girl can never have this deep friendship without having the other one falling with the other in some time or whatever.
They also said that happens because no matter what you say that you will never get at it with your bestfriend or whatever there will always be this time that you will think of them as an option for a spouse.

Some a day, a week, a month or even a year.

But, idk, Yell...
Well, the Lord only told me to WAIT since the VERY beginning and never said that He was the one, like CRYSTAL CLEAR.
Yes, the heart is deceitful above all things, who can understand it.

But, idk....
I do pray he is the one that the Lord have for me.
'Cuz if he ain't, well God's best must be blazin'! DEYUM!

I just thank God that I have a glimpse of the best through him.

It's like how we were before.

This is how we started before.
Letting go of each other even if we both know it kills us to have each other apart.

It's like how we were before.
I thought we passed this.

Here we are again, pretending that we don't care as much about each other.
Pretending that we're not special in each others' lives.

Whatever, I'll never talk to you till you talk to me.
Or just in case, I need to tell you something important.

I'll limit the smiley faces.
I'll limit the facebook page visits.

The more I give, the more I surrender, the faster everything would be...

I love you Daryl Ogalino.

It's just been a day...

And I miss you already... :(

And darn it, I'm re-doing my vow last year and making sure I would do it right this time.
To be single for the entire year and really let God be the love of my life.

It's so hard.
Sosososososoo hard.

When he said "Having so close and so intimate and to just let it go like that, is so hard to take in"
while him and Bin were talking still resonates in my head.

I'm sorry if I'm letting you go through this.
I'm sorry for the pain.
I'm sorry for the stress.
I'm sorry and know that I am hurting too as you hurt.

But I have to do this.
Whatever happens, we need to know how it is to trust God.

I love you Daryl, and I hope that you can really do wait for me.
Because, you know that I am no matter what.
I love you.

Here's to us being bestfriends.

Waiting.

You know, I'll do the steps myself.

I have to be hard on you if I have to.
I just pray that you can really understand and comprehend what I am trying to do.
What He is trying to do.

TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART. - Proverbs 3:5

He didn't say, trust the Lord with a little part of your heart, or
Trust the Lord with what is all within me except what is in front of me or what is in my reality, or
Trust the Lord with what only I think is going to work well for me or what makes sense for me.

That is not what faith is all about.

Hebrews 11:1 faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

I understand the struggle.
Believe me, I completely do.

I know how much it hurts.
I know how frustrating everything is.

I completely understand where you are right now.

I just pray that you would understand.
I pray that God will continue to reveal everything to you.

I know He is moving in your life.

No matter how difficult everything would be.
As long as we do it all for Him.

All we have in store is good.
We can trust that everything will work according to His plans.

Stop calculating.
Stop counting.

Just TRUST that His timing is ALWAYS.
ALWAYS PERFECT.

God, ano na?

Saan na ko pupunta
God saan ako titira
God, alam mo un feeling ko, nagiging okay na ulit eh...

God....
I know You provide and all...
But God... please.... I pray that you would provide a shelter for me please....
Please God.......

You told me I am worth than those birds and such...
Please God... Please....
Kahit saan okay lang ako, basta may matitirahan ako...
God please, please, please...

If ayaw mo, trabaho lang please God.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEEEE

Hiyang hiya na ko ng magkaron ng ganitong buhay.

God pleaseeeee, hear my cry God please...
Grant my request God.... please................

Please, please, please....
Trabaho at bahay po God...

PLEASE NAGMAMAKAAWA AKO GOD PLEASEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pag send ko ng mga applications ko, mabibigyan mo na ba ko ng trabaho?!
This month? or next month?!

Okay, I hear you.
"Am I not God of all? Am I not able to give you everything?!"

Okay, then, why God!?

Lord, si Daryl na nga lang natitira saken eh....
Kukunin mo pa....

Binibigay ko naman siya sayo ah,
Inuunti unti ko naman ah

We are trying God.
I know You know that.
I know You can see.

Okay, fine I'm not trying enough.
I know.

God, do you really want me to let this man go?
Hiniwalayan ko na nga diba....

Wala na, nde na kme.

God, would I be able to do what Junn did to Kimmy?

Is that really what you want me to do?
Iwan si Daryl ng ganun?

It doesn't make sense.
Nothing makes sense.

Ayaw ko na God.
Ayaw ko na.

You know,

I will study hard VERY HARD to be able to excel at school,
'cuz I want Yell and Tito Romi to be proud of me.

I will now fight the discouragements, because there's finally people who truly believes in me.

I will be better at singing
I will be a better artist
I will paint and draw more
I will continue learning dress making and design beautiful clothes

I will relive the most determined dreamer in me that's been lost.

I don't want stay as a wreak anymore.
I will move forward and not let anything step on me again.

I have people who believes and invests in me now.
I am worth something now.

God's always been here
He truly never ever left my side, no matter how far I tried to run away form Him.

I will also, come back to God now.
Go back in that heart of worship grind.
Back in that too lost in His love woman of God.

I want everything to be right.

I want to have the desires that God have for me.
I want to desire those things He desires for my dreams.
I want His plans in my plans.

I need to gather myself together.

I don't want to be a wreck anymore.
I hate being the helpless little girl.

With God's strength within me, it will ALL happen.

4 years without Yell.

Baka umuwi na nga ako.

4 years.
Mabilis lang yun :)

4 years...
Mamimiss kita.
I love you Yell.

Yell :'(...

Ayaw ko na.

I wanna dieeeeeeeeeeeee

Nde ko na alam gagawin sa buhay ko
Nde ko na alam kung saan ako pupunta

Ayaw ko na
Sumusuko na ko
Ayaw ko na
Ayaw ko na
Ayaw ko na
Ayaw ko na

Weak na kung weak
Pero, sumusuko na ko.
Sukong suko na ko...
Ayaw ko na

Nde ko na alam gagawin ko
Nde ko na alam

Ayaw ko na

I need to get back on my game.

If I fall, we fall together.

What I noticed, is that... in this relationship, we are REALLY a team.
Both of us is accountable of each other.

If one is not close to God, the other could pull the other one down with them or help the other to get them back up.
Or, if the other one is not willing to obey or surrender, the other half will be affected and could be pulled down.

I thought I was strong, enough.
I though I can face the battles with a sword from Christ BUT used with my OWN strength.

I need to put my armor down.
I need to surrender and stop taking over and think that I can do everything on my own.

I should always remember that this is His fight not mine.

I need to come back and come to Him again, if FULL surrender.

God...
I don't know where to start but this is the only thing that I can think of that I can do.

This decision and commitment AGAIN to You...
That I will surrender, everything.

My future
My dreams
Rj, Mama, Jed, Papa...
My heart...

and Yell...
especially Yell...

I thought I was there,
I thought I surrendered everything that is needed to be surrendered...

but God...
take it again God...

I do want to have Your plan to take place in my life.
I want everything that is Yours.
I want everything that is about You.
I still want You God to consume me...

Empty me, O God...
So I can be filled by You.

I am ready for the pain.
Yes, there is some doubts and all in my heart.
I know You can see that and I'm not very proud of it.

but God...
Who am I to let someone like You go?
Who am I to ignore Your call...

I'm sorry God for how I've been...
I'm sorry God for where I've been...

I am ready for the pain from EACH surrender...
I am ready for the pain from Your discipline...

Do whatever it takes God...
So, I can be like You... more and more and more and more everyday.

I still love You and I don't want to cheat on You anymore.
I am getting weaker everyday... and  I am sorry for taking advantage of You...
I'm sorry...

I know I am not worthy to be Your servant...
but God, that's all I can be to be close to You.

I hope You can still forgive me and welcome me with Your warm embrace...
I'm so sorry God.................

Please forgive me :'(
I love You.

I love Yell :)

I pray that I would be more in love with Jesus than Yell.
I'm falling in love with Yell again, more than ever.

I pray that my love for God would grow stronger.